Changes
by gromittd
Summary: Ranma discovered education, Akane played golf, Neolithic Martial Artist have attacked. What next?
1. Default Chapter

Changes  
  
Disclaimer: All characters contained in this fiction are the copyright/trademark/creation of Rumiko Takahashi and Viz Video. I am just playing intheir sandbox and have no ownership of these characters, or names.  
  
Prologue  
  
It had been a strange couple of months in Nerima.  
  
For almost anywhere else in the world it would have been almost normal. Except for the various martial artists still who bounded across rooftops and the shrivelled gnome that still stole ladies underwear. But this was Nerima and without some form of craziness it just wouldn't be Nerima. For Nerima was the nexus of all craziness in Japan, if not the world.  
  
Through the streets of Nerima strode or more to the point swaggered Ranma Saotome. If craziness was viewed like a an enormous cloud of astonomical phenomenom through Hubble or some other suitably impressive telescope you would note the constant swirl as craziness ebbed, flowed, rippled around and gravitated around the eccentric orbit of Ranma.  
  
But lately something unforeseen had happened the craziness about Ranma had lessened. Strange creatures no longer appeared, masters and students of evermore esoteric and downright strange martial arts just didn't show up.  
  
This made some people very nervous.  
  
Some blamed it on the last Master to challenge Ranma, the Master of Martial Arts Didgeridoo Playing. Now by Nerima standards this wasn't all that strange but the fact the Master was a Scotsman from Venezuala named Giorgio Finkelman was just a bit too much. This, some thought was enough to suck all of the craziness out of Nerima like it had disappeared down a black hole and that craziness would eventually creep back out of whatever nook, cranny or box it had been hiding in and again make life 'interesting'.  
  
Some thought that the craziness had achieved sentience and like some jungle cat was just waiting to pounce out and grab them when their guard was down.  
  
Property values in Nerima were usually lower than any comparable neighbourhood and few were willing to invest money in a place where their investments could disappear in a massive burst of ki, flame, ice or simply shake itself to bits after an assault from a Martial Arts Marching Band attack. But now some investors were (very) cautiously starting to buy up properties in the hope that maybe the craziness had moved, maybe to Hinata, where craziness had seemed to be on the rise of late.  
  
Whatever the cause collectively the good people and few not so good, and a couple of people who never had and never would make a Christmas Card list (and if they did it would only be so they could be struck of it) waited with baited breath.  
  
The cause of this downturn in craziness if you had not guessed by now was Ranma Saotome and in fact the craziness had achieved sentience, of a sort, and was mildy displeased with Ranma, after all Ranma was it's avatar, it's chief employee (albeit unpaid) and favourite playmate.  
  
Two and one half months ago Ranma was watching television, nothing startling in that to be sure but the attention he was applying to act was disconcerting to someone who only ever saw Ranma concentrating on one of two things, eating and martial arts. But this show fascinated him, here on the television screen were martial arts masters talking about running their own schools and training their students.  
  
At the end of the show Ranma had gleaned a vast amount of information, more than most would have credited, after all if it wasn't food or martial arts he usually wasn't interested. But just now on the television masters of arts had been talking about running their dojos and their training, very interesting indeed.  
  
Now some people thought Ranma wasn't very bright, some had even been unkind enough to suggest that he would struggle in a battle of wits with a village idiot. The truth was that Ranma was very bright it's just that he could see no reason for the study of anything other than the martial arts or any thinking deeper than where is my next meal coming from, what will be in my next meal and please don't let Akane cook.  
  
But now here were people he respected, people who had achieved what he had been told all his life was to be his goal and they were telling everyone why they were successful and the one common denominator was (shudder) education. Ranma wasn't opposed to learning, it was just that he was very selective about what he learnt, if it he couldn't eat it or hit someone with it (maybe a little simplistic) he didn't want to know about it.  
  
Ranma was very competitive, to the point of obsession and it now seemed to him that if he was going to be the best martial arts sensei in the Japan, which in Ranma's mind meant the world he would have to get a proper education. It wasn't just that he needed to know martial arts, he needed to know how to teach and for this he needed education and not just that he needed those diplomas to hang on the wall to show to everyone that he was the premier martial art sensei.  
  
He needed to improve at school, he needed to go university, he needed to study, he needed peace and quiet, he needed to maintain his martial arts training, he needed to learn. He needed a plan.  
  
Ranma went to the room he shared with his father, pulled out his journal and opened it to the first page, the first thing Ranma said to himself was to use this journal, draw up a plan, treat this whole thing like another duel, Ranma versus the school system, or rather Ranma versus every other student in the school.  
  
Yes that was it he thought, a new technique -The Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts Learning technique!  
  
That evening Akane had to climb the stairs and knock on Ranma's door before he would acknowledge the call to the evening meal, Akane actually nudged Ranma in the side with her foot to see if he was still awake. After all he couldn't be studying, her world view just couldn't handle that, after all there had been no word of any flying saucers and didn't the pod people always start their invasions in the middle of nowhere America, but this was Ranma studying that just didn't happen.  
  
Ranma was quiet through the meal, not rising to any baits thrown his way by Nabiki, deftly avoiding his fathers attempts to steal some of the tastier morsels from his plate and most disquieting of all chewing his food in a quiet manner that appeared strangely thoughtful.  
  
Strangeness, like craziness was expected in Nerima and nowhere more so than in the Tendo Dojo so no-one started to worry until Ranma finished his meal, asked Kasumi for a small pot of tea, which she happily supplied and told the assembled household that he was going upstairs to study.  
  
No-one moved, no-one spoke five pairs of eyes silently followed him up the stairs and out of sight before looking about at the other occupants of the room. As they heard the door to Ranma and his father's room shut a couple of them even pinched themselves to see if they were dreaming, Nabiki even pinched Akane and satisfied with the response, though Akane wasn't they settled, once more into stunned silence.  
  
Soun Tendo, patriarch of Clan Tendo broke the silence "The boys lost his mind, now our schools will never be joined." He then started raining down tears in a torrential downpour.  
  
The rest of the night passed quietly, even if all but one of the occupants of the house expected the apocalypse to start at any moment, Soun Tendo and Ganma Saotome moved to the verandah where they passed a few hours playing shogi and drinking sake. Kasumi sat quietly stitching Ranma and Akane's clothes that had been damaged in the neverending combat that was life as a martial artist in Nerima.  
  
Nabiki balanced her books calculating the odds for tomorrows fights, checking her video feeds from around the house and reviewing the photos taken by her assistants during the past weeks events. Something mused Nabiki was happening and if I keep my eyes open I could make a bit of money on this.  
  
Akane spent the night worrying that maybe this morning when she clubbed Ranma with her mallet she finally knocked something loose, or something back into place. I can't worry about this anyway she decided after all Ranma never changes yesterday, today and tomorrow he will always be the same perverted, egotistical,, maddeningly wonderful.......and she was asleep.  
  
Ranma woke early the next morning and by the time Akane and Nabiki had finished breakfast was already waiting for them at the front gate. Akane and Nabiki pulled up short of Ranma and turned to each other and whispered in unison.  
  
"What is he doing?"  
  
"I'm reading."  
  
"I didn't know you could." Smirked Nabiki making a silent note to remember in future how good Ranma's ears were.  
  
"The martial artist must know more than the art" Ranma said "If I'm going to teach the art I must be able to adapt it to society, he must understand and learn more about ...."  
  
"OK. OK. This is now officially weird" Nabiki interrupted and glanced sideways at Akane "Make sure he gets to school, I don't know who this is, so I'm not sure he knows his way to school."  
  
"Me?" Akane looked worried "What if he's dangerous?"  
  
"Do what you normally do" Nabiki called over her shoulder as she ran off "Mallet him!"  
  
The walk to school did nothing to quiet Akane's nerves, on the surface things looked fine. Akane walked on the path, Ranma along the top of the fence. However today Ranma was walking along the fence reading.  
  
It's just not right Akane thought. It's just not right.  
  
He has hardly spoken, he dodged the lady with the bucket of water. I'm really starting to worry.  
  
What happened next confirmed Akane's suspicions that something was just not right Shampoo appeared.  
  
Somehow Ranma grabbed Akane and shifted her from the path of the bicycling amazon, dodged bike and Shampoo, plucked Shampoo from the bike deposited her in a garbage bin and kicked the bin in a off-handed manner down the hill. Akane was stunned as she watched the cartwheeling bin gather speed down the hill with a despaining cry of "Airen date Shampooooo" towards one of the busier streets in Nerima landing in the middle of the southbound lane. It was at this point that Akane realised that the light rain overnight has been sufficient to trigger Shampoos changed as a obviously shaken cat was drunkenly staggering from the mouth of the garbage bin. What Shampoo failed to see and Akane did not see until too late to warn Shampoo was an eighteen wheel semi trailer travelling south, at approximately 60 kilometres per hour. The semi struck the bin and by some outrageous and highly improbable, one could say crazy twist of fate the bin once again collected Shampoo hurtling the bin and her towards the north bound lane of traffic.  
  
Now this alone was not a major cause for alarm, amazons and in particular Shampoo are tough by nature, cats always land on their feet, have nine lives and even though currently a cat retained her impressive array of martial arts skills. Midway through the graceful arc the bin scribed through the air Shampoo closed her eyes and bailed out from the garbage can she hoping to reach some form of safety, or maybe at least gain some knowledge of where she was headed. Prepared to land and run Shampoo was pleasantly surprised when she landed on something soft and warm and if cats could smile this one would have.  
  
The local council for Nerima was always looking to cut costs. With the many repairs required to the cities infrastructure from amazons, monsters and martial arts mayhem any cost savings were appreciated. This was especially true when the matter of purchasing work vehicles for the many different departments of the Nerima Municipal Council. Generally this meant that vehicles were purchase based on price over any other considerations, including practicality. The mayors vehicle as a case in point was a Suzuki Mighty Boy, little more than a motorised wheelbarrow making it difficult, if not impossible for the mayor to show any visiting dignitaries around his fair city. This probably would have been an issue but with Nerima's reputation few dignitaries were willing to risk their lives for a free meal and a couple of days away from their constituents.  
  
But in the case of Shampoo's journey through the air above and through the early morning traffic her journey terminated in the back of a reconditioned Toyota Dyna truck with 2 metre tall mesh sides and no top that happened to belong to animal control.  
  
So it should come as no surprise that when Shampoo in her cat form walked stiff legged and shaking into the Nekohanten to be sprayed with hot water to resume her normal, if naked form, her now human form continued walking stiff legged towards the rear of the restaurant still shaking wide eyed and muttering "Dogs. Big dogs. Lots of BIG dogs."  
  
Relief flooded through Akane when she sighted Furinkan High for there waiting within the gates of the school was someone she thought she would never be glad to see. Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High stood posed waiting to harangue and then do battle with Ranma.  
  
But this morning Ranma was ready, today he would seize the intiative, today he would institute a new plan, radical, untried and unconventional but appealing in an 'if nothing else it'll liven up the day' kind of way.  
  
Holding back Akane Ranma stepped forward and struck a pose only slightly less silly than the ones with which Kuno usually favoured the school when making one of his many speeches.  
  
Then in rounded tones used only by the best of Shakesperean actors declaimed "Hold varlet, press not thy suit on the fair Akane Tendo. Thy words do thee no honour, foul child, for child thou art pressing suit upon a fair maid who hast no affection for thee. Craven too, thou art with sword threaten those with honour would defend. Speak to me not of honour for thou hast not a shred of honour. Get thee from my sight thou visage doth offend and thy words sicken me." Turning to Akane Ranma dropped to one knee and taking Akane's hands in his own Ranma spoke softly but with volume enough to reach those surrounding them. "Forgive me my bethrothed that thy fair presence should be blighted by such as this poltroon. Come let me lead you hither where we may sit quietly in the shade where the gentle breezes will clear thy head and with feather soft touches awake you to the pleasures of the day."  
  
As he led a stunned and speechless Akane past an even more stunned and speechless Kuno Ranma was more than pleased with his efforts so far this morning.  
  
To say that the Furinkan High was stunned was like saying that water was wet. It was a good fifteen minutes before anyone spoke and in fact the only sound was Nabiki howling with laughter.  
  
School was almost cancelled, first period was a write-off as teachers struggled to restore order.  
  
Kuno was reduced to a single work vocabulary for the next three days and while some have philosophised that men only need to grunt to communicate the word "Ghaah" spoken without tone or inflection does not enable anything resembling communication. Unfortunately for Kuno there is a small village named Ghaah that no-one including those that make maps had heard of and when the school called a for a taxi to take Kuno home the taxi driver happened to be a native of Ghaah and while there were only fifty people in Ghaah and while the taxi driver was certain that he didn't recognise his current fare after asking Kuno five times where he wanted to go and after being answered "Ghaah" five times he began to get the message.  
  
Also unfortunately for Kuno the main product Ghaah is the aptly named Ghaah fish, named after the sound people generally made after accidently ingesting Ghaah fish and while the natives of Ghaah could not understand why anyone would want Ghaah fish for breakfast, dinner and tea they were more than happy to serve Kuno up as much Ghaah fish as they could.  
  
The trip home from Ghaah was no less exhausting, unpleasant or troublesome as the the trip to Ghaah. Because Ghaah did not make it's presence felt on any map of note Kuno had no idea of the direction he should head to travel home. Fortunately or unfortunately as Kuno would soon realise he found a fellow traveller who as chance would have it was travelling to Nerima. So it was 9 days later Kuno found himself approaching an untidy man clad in dirty shorts, blue singlet and work boots mustering sheep and asking where he was.  
  
"Excuse me fellow, perhaps you can assist myself and my companion" taking the fellows puzzled look as permission to continue Kuno continued "Perhaps you can tell me where we are?"  
  
"Currawarna mate." Neither of the strangely dressed, at least to his eyes, people showed anything resembling comprehension "New South Wales............ Australia."  
  
"Ah." Kuno responded a little confused "Not Japan?"  
  
"Not last time I looked no mate. How'd you blokes get here anyway." He glanced away to watch the sheep in a virtuoso display of sheep headedness ran past the open gate and disappeared into the distance to the accompaniment of barking dogs and huge cloud of dust.  
  
"We walked."  
  
"From Japan."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"What about the ocean?" the stranger smiled pleased to have caught this strange pair out.  
  
"Obviously" Kuno replied with as much dignity as he could muster " We didn't come that way."  
  
"Aah."  
  
So it was that after explaining their predicament Kuno and his erstwhile companion were loaned money to travel to the Japanese Embassy in Canberra where Kuno was transported home with the assistance of the Nerima and Hinata Sub-Orbital Passenger Relief Fund. Kuno's travelling companion arrived in Nerima 3 hours ahead of Kuno despite getting lost between the gate of the embassy and the door of the car that would take them to the airport and un-scheuled stops in Alaska, the Bahamas and Crete.  
  
On a side note Ghaah fish is the main export from Ghaah, it's not than anyone wants Ghaah fish it's just that no-one in Ghaah wants them either, the Nerima Culinary Laboratories have proved conclusively that Ghaah fish is quite likely the only substance, including toxic waste, that Akane's cooking cannot make taste worse., Actually if someone could be found to taste toxic waste after it had been prepared by Akane they would find that the taste had been substantially improved.  
  
Nabiki laughed so hard and long that as a precautionary measure she was taken to Nerima General Hospital where she was sedated and kept under observation. Late that afternoon when she was finally able to focus on the morning events without worrying the doctors or causing herself more pain from her overstressed muscles (after all laughing that much is hard work).  
  
The faculty of Furinkan High realisation that this was no ordinary day was compounded by the fact that when the school calmed down enough for classes to commence the most attentive student in school was Ranma Saotome. Not only attentive but asking and answering questions, one teacher passed out when Ranma handed in homework and then later in the day the same teacher applied for early retirement when after marking the tests found Ranma had completed all questions correctly.  
  
At approximately 10:30 that night in a stunning vocalisation of her thoughts on the incident that morning Akane proved that the regardless of the comparative intelligence of the parties directly involved in the mornings incident some responses are near universal. Akane who had not spoken since arriving at school that morning said "Ghaah."  
  
The first week passed quickly enough, people tended to tread quietly around Ranma for fear that he would explode into some form of berserk Ranma-ness to make up for the tranquility of the past seven days. But through it all Ranma remain oblivious to the concerns of those around him.  
  
Now this wasn't quite true. Ranma knew very well indeed how his behaviour was affecting those around him and some small part of him actually enjoyed the confusion and trepidation with which people approached him. He was very pleased with his progress not only had he proved to himself that he was capable of learning at school he found that if he approached school and his lessons as he would learning a new martial arts technique he actually quite enjoyed it. What had also surprised him was the amount of information which his brain had tucked away in some dark, dank and cobweb encrusted corner of itself from all the lessons he had attended before his awakening to the joys of learning. The outcome of this was that a number of tests that he had hoped to pass, just barely, had been remarkably easy.  
  
This did not mean that he could slacken off, after all his goal was to be the best martial arts sensei and to do that he had to be the best student. That meant study, study for school and study of the art.  
  
So weeks passed Ranma continued with his studies, when not studying for school he studied and practised the art, the 2 studies he found complimented each other. Whether it was maths, science, history or even grammar he found what he learnt from one complimented the other. He found it amusing that he could use mathematics to describe the arc he cut through the air when malleted into near orbit or than he could use simple examples of throws to describe leverage, simple things maybe but they reinforced his decision.  
  
Kasumi more than anyone else was delighted with the changes in Ranma. She had long ago started to see Ranma as her little brother and now with Ranma rising early every morning to study he often joined her in the kitchen to discuss his school work and enjoy an early cup of tea. This had soon became Ranma's favourite time, safely ensconced in Kasumi's kitchen Ranma was safe from his father's sparring bouts and this became his safe and quiet time. After a couple of weeks Kasumi had asked Ranma about the sudden change in his behaviour. Ranma was more than happy to tell her about his plans and use her as a sounding board for his ideas on resolving some of his problems. Ranma was Kasumi decided finally starting to show signs of maturity and this could only be good.  
  
Nabiki was more uncertain about these changes, sure he was still Ranma and that certain Ranma-ness was still bubbling away beneath the surface. But now he was starting to think and financially this did not bode well. An ignorant and unthinking Ranma was a steady source of income and while Ranma behaviour that provoked incidents were on the decline damages were still a constant fact of life. If Ranma woke up and stopped submitting to blackmail and extortion or stopped paying for information the dojo finances were going to quickly go into a decline. Nabiki had been very careful with the dojo finances over the years and had been salting a little away each month for her and Akane's university education. If income dropped the university fund could suffer and that wasn't something she cared to contemplate. It was all very confusing, something else Nabiki didn't like, other people were confused not Nabiki.  
  
On the other hand the while Nabiki always considered Ranma cute in a dumb jock kind of way, this new Ranma was proving a little distracting. Nabiki lay back on the clean grass beside the river, closed her eyes and let her thoughts roam where they would, smiled, purred just a little and breathed "Ranma."  
  
The fathers, who some have said put four things ahead of all others, namely a love of saki, a love of shogi, a love of hare-brained schemes to joins their two clans and a desire to see their two clans joined.  
  
Genma, Ranma's father could see no reason for the changes in Ranma's behaviour, after all what else did the boy need to know but the art. School was something to bring Akane and Ranma together. There was Genma thought something intrinsically wrong with wanting book learning, it was somehow unmanly and if one thing concerned Ranma more than anything else it was Ranma being judged unmanly. Bad enough he has this curse that changed him into a girl with the application of cold water, but this change in Ranma's behaviour mused Genma could be some terrible side effect of Ranma's curse. Next thing, he shuddered, Ranma could be wearing frilly lace underwear, a bra even dresses even in his male (uncursed) form. This wouldn't do and in fact there is only one thing to do, the boy must get married sooner rather than later before the worst can happen – if it wasn't too late already!  
  
Soun shared similar thoughts to Genma, without the dresses and frilly underwear. He had noted that since the changes in Ranma that his little girl had grown more distrustful, abusive and violent. He had no doubt that this was Ranma's fault. The boy must be made to understand his responsibilities before he alienated his little girl completely. Yes, Ranma must admit his feelings immediately and they must be married by............next Friday at the latest.  
  
Akane was under no illusions, Ranma was running around with one or both of his other fiances, the fact that he denied it so strenuously was only a cover for his indiscretions. She could see right through this whole new tactic of his trying to pretend to be interested in school. Hiding in his room pretending to study and he had obviously found a new way to cheat at tests that the teachers haven't figured out as yet. I've seen, Akane thought the way Nabiki's been looking at him and Kasumi's been soooo nice to him lately he's not satisfied with that chinese bimbo and that cross- dressing cook but nooo he's got to start chasing my sisters to, that freak! Akane's thoughts bubbled on quite happily simmering in a congealed mess of jealousy and bile on a stove powered by pure rage.  
  
While Akane teetered on the brink of complete psychosis brought on by the infidelities of her fiance Ranma continued with his walk through the streets of Nerima and pondered his situation.  
  
The main problem he felt was his fiances and solving this problem was going to be difficult. He couldn't hurt Shampoo, he had being trying for the last six weeks to ignore her. He had refused any and all invitations to the Nekohanten and had managed with varying degrees of success avoid her glomping of him. The only change he had noticed in her behaviour was an aversion to dogs which he had never noticed before. Shampoo he had decided was going to be the most difficult to deal with. Uchan and Akane they were going to be the most painful and he didn't know who was going to be most hurt. Uchan, Akane or himself.  
  
Uchan he knew he loved, but unfortunately for Uchan not in the way Uchan wanted to be loved. Simply put he loved her as he would a sister or a best friend which he felt she was. The painful thing was Ranma saw was that Uchan did not love him the same way and expected something more, marriage, children, years of blissful domesticity and okonomiyaki. Though Ranma had no aversion to okonomiyaki, marriage to ones sister wasn't something that was done and to even consider it made Ranma a little queasy. Ranma had even stopped going to Uchans unless Akane was with him so Uchan could not mistake his intentions. He had, and he very upset about this even stopped accepting lunch break okonmiyakis from Uchan at school.  
  
Ranma had done a lot of thinking of late about the whole fiance fiasco and one of the things he had come to realise was quite painful.  
  
He didn't love Akane.  
  
For a long time this was a given. He had been told he did, it was expected of him, she was his fiance, the schools must be joined ergo by their father's logic they must love each other. When they first met and she said she wanted to be friends and he had fallen in love with her on the spot, though he couldn't admit it. But the constant abuse between them had soured his feelings, though he didn't really realise this until his latest exercise in education and learning. One of the side effects of thinking he had discovered was that once you started it was hard to stop and he had discovered a capacity for introspection that had previously eluded him.  
  
This had led to a continuous review of his actions and a concerted effort on his part to improve himself and his interactions with others. To whit, no insulting Akane. But somehow it didn't work the way he thought. Instead of a stop to the insults and malletings, they actually increased. Ranma's change in behaviour was taken as a personal insult or as if he was trying to hide some guilty secret from her and Ranma's failure to respond to Akane's insults drove her even further into her rage.  
  
Ranma didn't care anymore about whether Akane loved him, in fact he was certain she didn't. He was just another object to her, in fact just a punching bag.  
  
So two and a half months passed, Ranma steadily improved at school, kept up his studies, endeavoured to resolve the many personal issues which made his life chaotic. Studies which Ranma was unaware of carried out by a reputable university characterised Ranma's life as being a living example of the principles of chaos and entropy. Studies, papers and many a symposium were held as learned scholars discussed the so-called Ranma Effect.  
  
But unaware of all of the theorising being carried out about his life and still ruminating on thoughts of fiances, school exams, homework and panda avoidance strategies Ranma turned in at the gate to the Tendo dojo for a quick snack and some training before the evening meal.  
  
The sight that greeted Ranma as he walked through the gate was one that would strike fear into even the hardiest of souls. There to greet Ranma was Akane, her battle aura flaring into existence as he stepped into her view, her mallet poised and ready to strike.  
  
"Where have you been?" Akane growled.  
  
"Walking" Ranma eeped.  
  
"Don't lie to me! I know you've been of with Shampoo and Ukyou." Akane's aura flared incandescent as her voice rose in pitch and volume as the insults started flying out in a staccato rhythm. "You lying. Hentai. Pervert. Baka. Jerk. Triple timing cross-dressing freak of nature!"  
  
Before he had a chance to react the mallet was swung, Ranma had only time to focus his ki in a defensive shield to cushion him from the worst of the mallets effects before he was sent soaring high above the rooftops towards the distant horizon.  
  
Notes: Out of character definitely. Timeline somewhere thereabouts. I'm just playing in someone else's sandbox, don't mean any harm, just having fun. Not particularly happy with the way this turned out. Need I say to be continued. Sorry for the blatant self-insert, but I couldn't help it. 


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter One  
  
Chapter One - Twenty Questions  
  
Tak Fujimoto had for thirty-five years worked for the Parks and Gardens department of the Nerima council. Rising early each day he would take his packed lunch, always with a short sweet note from his wife letting him know how much he meant to her.  
  
Today was no different, after a delicious lunch he had read her note for the third time before folding it carefully and placing it back in his lunch box. It still surprised him that after so many years of marriage, four children, eight grandchildren that so simple a gesture as the note could warm his heart so.  
  
Smiling to himself Tak walked back to the cherry-picker he was using to trim the trees around the hospital grounds, making sure his hard hat was firmly seated on his head, he stepped into the basket. Once inside he secured to door making certain that the latch was locked in the closed position, he then clipped his safety harness to the ring in the cherry- picker.  
  
Five minutes later with his earplugs firmly seated in his ears, Tak was happily lopping trees, waving occasionally to the pedestrians passing by. Of course all pedestrians were safely outside of the area marked with the traffic cones he had drawn from the stores for just this purpose. Working in Nerima was dangerous enough without taking additional risks.  
  
One particular branch Tak was trimming was on a tree many hundreds of years old, unfortunately the tree was also encroaching over the car park and there was concern that the branch could fall and damage cars and possibly injure either staff, patients or visitors to the hospital. So Tak started with his chainsaw cutting through the branch.  
  
When he had completely sawn through the branch instead of falling to the ground the branch instead fell and balanced on the basket of the cherry picker. Not being as young and strong as he once was Tak could not dislodge the branch.  
  
'Ah well' he thought as he fired the chainsaw up again and commenced cutting the branch in two so the two halves would fall away..  
  
Cherry-pickers of the type Tak was using were hydraulic and for those unfamiliar with this type of machinery it means they work by oil pressure. Oil is pumped into hydraulic rams pushing out an arm to raise the basket, pressure is released and the basket is lowered.  
  
What Tak did not realise until it was too late was that the weight of the branch also had effect on the operation of the hydraulics, that is they compressed the rams.  
  
As the two halves of the branch fell away the basket shot upwards, then stopping at the arms limit shot Tak further into the air whereupon the safety harness clip, which Tak was so particular about ensuring was correctly attached with snapped.  
  
Soaring even further into the air Tak had a panoramic view of Nerima. At the apex of his flight he could almost see his wife and his apartment. It was also at this point that Tak spotted Ranma. As Tak reached the high point of his flight Ranma passed by still rising.  
  
Waving and exchanging greetings the two parted company and Tak headed once more for the hospital car park.  
  
'Ah well' Tak thought as the car park grew closer 'four days without an accident, I still think that's a record for Nerima council.'  
  
As Ranma soared high above the streets of Nerima he noted the many building projects being carried out in the Nerima district. Nerima he decided would be a nice place if they ever got it finished. Of course the constant martial arts battles did nothing to improve the rate of progress in Nerima and as has been previously noted people were generally reluctant to invest money in Nerima.  
  
But from up here Nerima looked peaceful, a few structures displayed the distinctive scars of ki blasts or the imprinted outline of someone's flying body. Ranma had noticed of late that the builders had been gaining on the damage caused and if the quiet times continued should be nearly caught up by the end of next week.  
  
It wasn't unusual to spot members of the Nerima council's work teams on his flights and it was like running into old friends as Ranma often passed council workers in flight. Though he didn't know what had caused Mr Fujimoto's flight, though he was certain to ask him next time he saw him or any of the other council workers he was friendly with, Ranma was familiar with the aerobatic exploits of the Nerima council.  
  
Some were launched by simply being too close to one of the many fights that broke out between the many martial artists that either lived or passed through Nerima. Mr Fukubi, one of the council's truck drivers was launched when a building fell on the other end of a plank he was sitting on while having lunch catapulting him into the air. Another incident involving a Nissan Cedric, a ninth grade science experiment and a blocked sewer drain had passed into legend and quite frankly did not bear thinking about.  
  
Ranma was originally surprised that any of the council workers survived a week. It was only after stopping, talking to them and sharing a little lunch with them that he discovered Council Worker Martial Arts. Not really so much a martial art as a meditation technique used for focussing ki and using ki to provide protection from the many dangers Nerima posed.  
  
Ranma decided to learn and practise some of their techniques. As usual this caused some minor consternation within the Tendo compound. Akane couldn't understand why Ranma was leaning on a shovel, one of the basic forms of Council Worker Martial Arts meditation, thought, of course, that this was some perverted plan of his, took the shovel and launched Ranma once again into the air.  
  
One of the things that Ranma wondered about when he first started paying attention in physics was how did he and other martial artists survive some of the falls, pummelings and malletings that they were frequently subjected to. The answer he arrived at surprised him. Instinctively it seemed all martial artists, once they had reached a certain level started to produce and subconsciously focus their ki. Producing both a shield and a cushion to protect themselves, this allowed them to survive blows, falls, heat (from re-entry to atmosphere) and brief visits into airless space.  
  
This was the basis of the Council Worker Martial Arts, although Council Worker Martial Arts was very limited in it's focus. Ranma had come up with some very interesting ideas in the last few weeks and while he had been practising them, it remained to be seen if any of them were of practical use in battle remained to be seen, though he was extremely confident.  
  
He had even been experimenting with using his ki field to protect himself from the shape changing affects of cold water and he had found that if he was aware of the upcoming contact with water he was able to reflect the water away from his body. However to completely protect himself from the shape-changing effects of water the protection would need to become instinctual and this raised the questions of how would I drink, how would I bathe and wouldn't swimming become an exercise if futility?  
  
As he reached the apex of his trajectory Ranma turned his attention to where he would be landing and noted that today at least, it would not be in water. He smiled briefly at this and as he started to descend began to prepare himself for the landing.  
  
But with the ground rapidly approaching Ranma decided it was time to concentrate on landing with some dignity. Employing tiny ki blasts in much the same way as a rocket would employ retro thrusters Ranma aligned himself correctly, reduced his velocity and landed on the grass no harder than if he had jumped from a low hanging branch. Having landed in Nerima Ranma was saved having to explain which aircraft he had fallen from and where his parachute was, instead he waved at a few of the locals he recognised and checked his bearings for the walk home.  
  
It was when he looked about that he spotted a familiar form lying back on the grass, Ranma shrugged to himself and strolled over and lay down on his side beside Nabiki.  
  
Nabiki didn't notice him at first, she was Ranma noted smiling like the cat that got the cream. Someone Ranma decided was going to be paying Nabiki a lot of money in the next few days.  
  
"Ranma." Nabiki spoke so softly that he hadn't realised she'd spoken for a moment. He was a little surprised as well for her eyes hadn't opened since he had arrived.  
  
"Uh.... Hi Nabiki."  
  
Nabiki sat up straight staring at Ranma "What?..... When did you get here?'  
  
"Coupla minutes ago. I though you knew I was here, after all you said my name."  
  
"Oh yeah" she blushed, quite attractively thought Ranma who had been thinking about girls and what made them attractive a lot more lately. "What are you doing here?" she asked.  
  
"Air mallet. You?" Ranma asked lying back with his hands behind his head.  
  
"I like it here. So what was it this time?"  
  
"Looking to make a little money?"  
  
"Can't I be a little concerned about my sister's fiance?" responded Nabiki in her best hurt little girl voice.  
  
"I don't know. Can you?"  
  
"Now I'm hurt" laughed Nabiki "I think we can come to an arrangement."  
  
Ranma was a little wary of Nabiki's arrangements so responded cautiously "Such as?"  
  
Nabiki smiled what could be called an evil smile, but which seemed to Ranma not to carry the avaricious malice he normally associated with Nabiki "Trade. Talk to you, you talk to me. You think I don't need someone to talk to occassionally?"  
  
"You got friends at school, don't you talk to them?"  
  
"Business associates Ranma, not friends."  
  
"Yeah, I ain't, I haven't got that many people I can talk to either. This is just between you and me, it goes no further, right?"  
  
"No further. Just you and me talking."  
  
Ranma thought a moment "OK. I think I'd like that."  
  
"So what was it this time?"  
  
"I don't know. I was out for a walk, I walked through the gate. Bam. See Nerima by air."  
  
"Ouch."  
  
"Yeah. So, why do you like it here?"  
  
"When mother was still alive, we used to come here for picnics. Dad was different. Not like he is now, crying, drinking, playing shogi." Nabiki sighed "The best times we spent as a family spent here. Kasumi was going to be a nurse and was studying hard at school. I was still practicing the Tendo school's art. Akane she was still little. I miss it."  
  
"I don't remember much before pops took me away on our training trip." Ranma paused and lay back on the ground staring at the sky. "Images mostly you know, mum, pops not much else."  
  
Nabiki looked across at Ranma as he continued. He talked for a while on the early days of travelling with his father, Nabiki knew he skipped quite a bit, the Neko-ken training for one thing. He concentrated on the good times, surprisingly he told a good story and Nabiki found herself laughing at times at the spin Ranma put on some of the trials his father had him through.  
  
How Ranma had managed to turn out as the honourable young man he was surprised her as well, with Genma as a father Ranma becoming a thug and petty thief would have seemed the most likely outcome.  
  
Early during the Saotome's stay Nabiki had been uncertain whether Genma Saotome was evil or just incredibly stupid. On one of the nights when her father and Genma were out drinking and the rest of the house deserted Nabiki had searched the Saotome's room. It was here that Nabiki found what she considered proof that Genma was dangerous, dangerously stupid.  
  
The proof was the guidebook that Genma had used to train Ranma in the Neko- ken, that described the training grounds of Jusenkyo and other techniques and training grounds. When Nabiki picked up the book she started scanning the pages, noting the terrible translations that Genma had scrawled in the margins. Nabiki's chinese was excellent, as she suspected was Ranma's though he didn't let on.  
  
It was when she got halfway through the book that thing's got interesting. The characters were no longer Chinese and for a moment Nabiki was puzzled. Genma's notes indicated that Genma was also confused. Nabiki's puzzlement was only momentary as she flipped the book upside down to reveal the Japanese translation of the front half of the book.  
  
Closing the book and looking at the front and rear covers Nabiki discovered that from one end the book was in Chinese and from the other in Japanese. Genma, from his notes had revealed himself to be barely literate in Japanese. But how could he have not realised?  
  
Obviously the man was cunning beyond anything Nabiki could imagine or completely stupid.  
  
After further observation of Genma, stupid won.  
  
"You ever talk to any of your friends like this Ranma?" Nabiki asked when Ranma paused in his  
  
"Come on Nabiki, ya know there ain't that many people I can trust. I'd don't even know if I got real friends."  
  
Nabiki looked at Ranma the question written in her eyes.  
  
"OK. There's mum of course, though I'm still a little wary of the whole seppuku thing. I guess I trust her but I'm still not all that comfortable around her 'specially if I get splashed with water, ya know. I know, she knows but, I feel like I disappoint her."  
  
Nabiki nodded in agreement and sympathy.  
  
"There's Kasumi. Kasumi's probably been, well until mum came back, the only mother I could really remember. She's like a big sister someone I can talk to and stuff." Ranma sighed "Only trouble is your father and mine can influence her, but I know she wouldn't do anything to hurt me."  
  
"Yeah, Kasumi's a bit too much of the dutiful daughter sometimes." Nabiki nodded.  
  
They walked on a while neither saying anything.  
  
"I trust you." Ranma blurted out.  
  
Nabiki stopped walking. "You trust me?"  
  
Ranma stopped and looked back at Nabiki "Yeah, I mean you take all those photos and sell 'em and stuff."  
  
"You know about the photos?" Nabiki looked shocked.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"For how long?"  
  
"A while." He paused "I was really pissed off for a bit, but with all the damage and food and drink and medical bills and everything else I kinda figured I had to do somethin' to help out."  
  
Nabiki stared open mouthed "You know?'  
  
"Um yeah, like I said I had to do something. Ya know pops, he'd would never help, lazy panda."  
  
"I have thought about selling him to a zoo." Offered Nabiki.  
  
"Some days I've thought about spraying shaving foam in his mouth and calling animal control." Ranma smirked.  
  
"Good idea. I'll remember that one." Nabiki said making a note in her journal  
  
"Yeah well, I thought I get a bit of money from waitressing and stuff and you get that from blackmailing me and for selling me information, but it's not enough" Ranma hung his head and kicked a stone on the footpath towards the far horizon. "So I decided that, OK it causes a few problems but it helps, right?"  
  
"Yes it helps." Nabiki said guiltily.  
  
"Good. You know I like ya, don't ya." Ranma smiled shyly.  
  
"You like me?"  
  
"Yeah, I mean I trust you, you don't mallet me, you pay the bills, you don't mallet me, you can be nice when ya wanta and you don't hit me."  
  
"You said I don't mallet you three times."  
  
"I really like that you don't mallet me."  
  
Nabiki smiled "Yes, well. I like you too Ranma, you're okay for a dumb jock."  
  
'And probably like you more than I should.' Nabiki thought.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
They walked on for a while in companionable silence.  
  
"You don't seem to be asking your father for training anymore."  
  
"No I've decided there's nothing that he can teach me I can't learn myself."  
  
"Really?"  
  
Ranma smiled broadly "Oh yeah, I realised something recently about ki and I've been practicing a few things and I think I'm starting to get somewhere."  
  
Nabiki looked across at Ranma "What are you up to Ranma?"  
  
Ranma just smiled.  
  
"Training from the old ghoul?"  
  
"Well, since I started this whole learning bit, I've been thinking."  
  
Nabiki arched an eyebrow at Ranma.  
  
"I'm not dumb ya know!" he paused "You know. I'm trying' to speak better too."  
  
"Thinking?"  
  
"Oh yeah. Well, what I do, I've always just done stuff."  
  
"The Nike poster boy." Nabiki chuckled.  
  
"That's me. But you see everything I do has consequences. I eat at the Nekohanten, consequence: I get drugged. I never thought about that before, I just did it."  
  
"So?"  
  
"I don't wanta be drugged, trussed up and carried off to China."  
  
"Good point. Even though I always thought you might enjoy being carried off by Shampoo."  
  
Ranma looked about nervously "No way am I marrying Shampoo."  
  
Nabiki looked curiously at Ranma.  
  
"What would happen if I married to me if I married Shampoo, leave out your family, my family, Ukyou and everyone else, just me."  
  
Nabiki thought for a moment "Honoured husband to a beautiful Chinese amazon, idyllic life in a remote Chinese village."  
  
Ranma shook his head "There are no honoured husbands in an amazon marriage. I'd only be kept as breedin' stock. They don't want me just my kids. "Do want to be just a housewife?"  
  
"I get your point. Why don't you just break it off somehow with Shampoo then?"  
  
"How, declare that I'm marrying one of my other fiances and tell Shampoo to go home? What do you think would happen to my bride?"  
  
"You don't think?"  
  
"Obstacle is for killing." Ranma said in a passable imitation of Shampoo, he shrugged "If she got desperate, who knows?"  
  
Nabiki nodded "OK, so no more lessons from Cologne. What about Happosai? Hasn't he taught you anything?"  
  
"Well...."  
  
"Well?"  
  
"Yes, but I don't think you really want to..."  
  
'Oh this has to be good' thought Nabiki "Come on Saotome show me."  
  
"You really don't."  
  
"Come on Saotome, show me" Nabiki teased "I insist."  
  
Ranma swallowed, looked nervous and kept walking.  
  
"Well?"  
  
"Feelin' the breeze a little are we?"  
  
"The breeze?" Nabiki said puzzled. She then noticed the small piece of cloth Ranma was holding out bundled up in his hand. The colour drained from Nabiki's face as she felt the breeze "Are they?"  
  
Ranma looked nervously left and right "Um, yeah. You did insist, remember? I told you."  
  
"Gimme." Nabiki said snatching her panties from Ranma. "Oh no, I can't move, I can't move."  
  
"I told you. I told you. You can't move?" said a panicked Ranma.  
  
"Of course I can't move, if I move my skirt might flip up and........Ranma?" Nabiki glared at Ranma who seemed frozen.  
  
Ranma's mind was either working overtime or had frozen completely, imagining the wind lifting Nabiki's skirt exposing her, no wait her panties were in scrunched up in her hand she had no..... it was at this point that Ranma's mind truly froze. Nabiki was naked under her skirt, this was both exciting and terrifying.  
  
'Oh no' he thought 'I am so dead.'  
  
Nabiki still frozen to the spot held the small bundle of cloth in her hand out to Ranma "Put them back on!" she hissed.  
  
"What?" Ranma said snapping out of his daze.  
  
"Put.. them... back.... on...." Enunciated carefully,  
  
Ranma's eyes assumed the size of dinner plates "Here?" he squeaked.  
  
"Like you took them off!" Nabiki explained.  
  
"I can't do that."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Well, you know Happosai, why would he teach a technique for putting panties back on?"  
  
"You're right. Aaaargh." Nabiki ground her teeth.  
  
"I mean" Ranma was now twitching and shaking his head "I never even practised this, I.... How could I? What sort of techniques is this I thought, how could I, it's wrong. I'm bad, so bad " the rest was lost in an unintelligible mumble.  
  
Ranma dropped to his knees with head bowed "I'M NOT A PERVERT!" he screamed.  
  
Nabiki smiled nervously at the other pedestrians now gawking at her and Ranma. "Pre-exam nerves" she explained.  
  
Blushing furiously Nabiki looked down where Ranma was kneeling at her feet "Don't look up." She whispered down at him.  
  
"Huh?" Ranma said looking up, straight up, straight up Nabiki's skirt. "Aaargh, I'm so sorry, so sorry."  
  
Ranma threw his hands up pressing Nabiki's skirt back against Nabiki's..."Aaaargh" he screamed throwing himself backwards covering his eyes with his hands.  
  
If Nabiki was game to move she would have stalked over and slapped Ranma silly.  
  
'Which probably is too long a trip at the moment' she thought 'his brains are probably dribbling out his nose in a fountain of blood right now.'  
  
"Ranma" she hissed "Ranma!"  
  
Ranma peered between his fingers at her.  
  
"Stand up and get over here."  
  
Ranma stood up head bowed and moved over next to Nabiki.  
  
"OK" Nabiki said "Here is what we do. I am going to clasp my hands together at the front of my skirt and hold the front of my skirt and you put you hand on my..."  
  
"No no no no no no." Ranma said shaking his head looking at the people passing by looking curiously at the couple.  
  
"Ranma!" Nabiki growled.  
  
Ranma swallowed and reached over placing his hand lightly on the Nabiki's bottom while Nabiki clasped her hands at her front.  
  
"OK, now we are going to move to that alley over there, we will move to the back of the alley, You will turn and provide me cover while I replace my undergarments. Do you understand?"  
  
Ranma nodded.  
  
Nabiki was beginning to recover from the initial shock of having her panties removed in public now and looking across at Ranma was beginning to see potential for fun or a little profit from this situation. 'No' she thought 'no profit Ranma trusts me and I did ask him to show me.' Nabiki smiled 'Oh but I can get a little fun out of this.'  
  
"Ranma!" Nabiki hissed out of the side of her mouth "We're supposed to be pretending to be girlfriend/boyfriend so try and act natural."  
  
Ranma looked at Nabiki with large puppy dog eyes and swallowed.  
  
Nabiki almost smiled at the terror in Ranma eyes when.......  
  
"Eeeep?"  
  
Ranma squeezed.  
  
Nabiki's eyes widened. "This way.... now!"  
  
"You know I'm going to have to get you back for that, don't you Ranma."  
  
"You asked, you asked, didn't you ask?"  
  
Nabiki looked at Ranma walking beside her and had to laugh at the panicked guilty expression on his face and decided to let him off the hook, for now.  
  
"So why have you never practised that technique?"  
  
"What? How? When? With who?" Ranma was obviously still on edge.  
  
"Surely a martial artist like yourself would come up with other ways to use that technique. I thought you would take it as a challenge."  
  
"A challenge!" Ranma's eyes lit up. "Hmmmm."  
  
They walked in silence for a few minutes.  
  
"Nabiki?"  
  
"Yes Ranma."  
  
"Here's your watch." Ranma said holding out a watch.  
  
"My watch?"Nabiki said checking her wrist, it was empty and snatched the watched from Ranma's hand. "Hey my watch!"  
  
"Oh and here's you diary." Ranma started handing Nabiki items which she though she was carrying. "Your purse, your locket, your watch, your hankie, your watch."  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"Your socks."  
  
"Enough already."  
  
Ranma had his familiar superior grin back.  
  
"Hey Ranma" Nabiki smiled broadly "How much not to tell Akane about all of this?"  
  
Ranma pulled out his wallet, which Nabiki gratefully received.  
  
"I thought I could trust you." Said Ranma putting on his best puppy eyes, which was defeated by the wide grin on his face.  
  
"You can" Nabiki replied grinning up at him "but I was thinking if I changed, it would just confuse you. Besides someone's got to pay the bills and for the moment I think it's us."  
  
A few blocks from the dojo Nabiki got a phone call. One of Nabiki's associates had a new business opportunity to discuss and as Ranma had discovered listening to Nabiki on the walk an opportunity to make a little money either for repairs or the university funds could not be passed up.  
  
Ranma had a smile on his face as he walked up to the dojo gates. His walk with Nabiki had been the highlight of his week and was well worth being malleted from one end of Nerima to the other for.  
  
Akane was waiting for him as he reached the gate, Kasumi she explained had an errand for them to run and what took him so long.  
  
Ranma employed his Ultimate Saotome Anything Goes Conversation technique, that is think before saying anything too stupid decided all he could safely say was "Where do we need to go Akane?" and off they went.  
  
As they passed one of the many parks in Nerima they were greeted by a sight that was unusual enough that even natives of Nerima were casting the occasional curious glance. Near the centre of the park was Cologne tossing a short stick which was being chased by a cat that looked suspiciously like Shampoo.  
  
'This' thought Akane 'bears investigation.'  
  
Ranma resisted, Ranma pleaded, but Akane fuelled by curiosity that could not be contained drug Ranma towards the Chinese amazon.  
  
"Son-in-law."  
  
Ranma peered at Cologne from where he was hiding behind Akane. "Cologne."  
  
Akane watched Shampoo caper wildly in front of Cologne eyes fixed firmly on the stick Cologne held in her hands. "What is going on?" she eventually managed to gasp out as she watched wide-eyed as Shampoo galloped wildly after the stick jumping in the air to catch it in her mouth before trotting back.  
  
"Dogs."  
  
"Dogs?"  
  
"Yes. In the way you are scared of cats. My granddaughter is scared of dogs."  
  
Ranma mulled this over for a while from where he stood behind Akane, trying not to let the fear that was beginning to gnaw at him take control.  
  
"So let me get this straight. Shampoo has learnt the Dog-Fist?" Ranma asked looking nervously at where Shampoo sat wagging her tail in front of Cologne.  
  
"Yes." Cologne hissed throwing the stick she was holding across the park.  
  
"But only as a cat?" Ranma mused watching Shampoo bound across the grass after the stick.  
  
"Yes." Cologne said flatly.  
  
"So Shampoo is cat that thinks she's a dog."  
  
Shampoo had now retrieved the stick and head high displaying the retrieved stick trotting proudly back to Cologne. A squeak escaped Akane and Cologne glared at Akane who's eyes were wide and mouth was hidden behind her hands which were pressed tightly to her mouth.  
  
"You" Cologne grated out between clenched teeth staring at Akane "had better not be laughing and yes Ranma my granddaughter is a cat that thinks she's a dog."  
  
Akane snorted loudly into her hands shaking her head furiously and started edging away from a Cologne that was having difficulty maintaining control.  
  
"So.... What's with the stick?" asked a clearly puzzled Ranma as Cologne again threw the stick away and Shampoo bounded away after it.  
  
A few visitors to the area by this time were pointing and laughing, a few were even taking photographs.  
  
Cologne gave a weary sigh "Have you ever given a dog a bath?"  
  
"Ah... No."  
  
"Well, they don't like it. I have been throwing this damned stick now for an hour and a half trying to tire her out so I can grab her and change her back." Shampoo dropped the stick at Colognes feet and jumped backwards out of Cologne's reach, eyes wide and tongue lolling out the side of her mouth Shampoo was the perfect picture of a delusional cat. "Do you know the mailman won't deliver mail to the Nekohanten anymore. The only reason he escaped is because dogs don't climb trees."  
  
Akane's face had at this stage achieved a shade of crimson normally only achieved by pale skinned office workers after overdosing on sunshine on the first day of a tropical holiday.  
  
"This is serious." Ranma said straight-faced.  
  
Breath was now whistling through Akane's hands as she tried to contain the pressure from the laughter that had reached the point where it was looking to escape somehow. She was worried in fact that if the laughter did not escape by way of her mouth she would either break something or would create an incident she could never live down.  
  
"Do you know what sort of dog she is?"  
  
Cologne looked at Ranma with a look that could only be described as, exasperated beyond normal human endurance and in a tone as serious as Ranma's replied "Some sort of retriever. I believe."  
  
Akane's eyes darted left and right seeking an escape and somehow managed to squeeze out a cry out "Gotta go. Gotta go" between her fingers and ran for the safety and cover of the crowded streets beyond the park.  
  
Dog-Fist, Dog-Fu or Pluto-Ken was an ancient art first described in the writings of Herodatus. Originating among the barbarian tribes living in isolated areas deep in the wooded areas of what is now Germany. Herodatus learnt from the wise men of the barbarian tribes that travellers and traders brought news, gossip and this years flu from distant lands also traded in knowledge of the fighting arts and skills of other tribes.  
  
One obscure tribe (at least to the barbarians), called the Eygptians had developed a fighting technique that was taught by throwing the student into a pit of starving cats while covered in fish products. The tribes people of then modern Germania (now ancient Germany) were so amazed by the stories of the feats of those who had studied this technique decided that this technique was for them.  
  
Of course cats to a hulking fur covered barbarian were just a little too civilised, not to mention sissy girly, so the experimentation began.  
  
The experiment with Bear-fu lasted less than half an hour, after which the bears were no longer hungry and the trainees no longer trainees, just lunch. Boar-fu, was also quickly marked off the list as unsuitable, there was one success but that was only in finding truffles.  
  
There were experiments with cows, horses and chickens, the most difficult part was convincing cows, horses and chickens that fish products were suitable fodder for animals of their particular dining habits. After one wit commented that the experiment with chickens really laid an egg he was nominated for the next trial, dogs.  
  
It was at this point someone wised up to the fact that maybe fish products were not suitable for all animals it was decided that the first major decision of the dog experiment was to be what do dogs eat.  
  
Now as most people who come off the land will tell you dogs delight in eating just about anything. If it smells bad, looks like it tastes terrible and has been lying dead in a paddock for the past week and a half, to a dog at least it looks like it's going to taste good.  
  
So it was the that the unfortunate test subject was rolled in stuff that only a half blind dog with no sense of smell and iron constitution would roll in and was thrown into the pit.  
  
Failure No. 1: The dogs in the pit had good eyesight and a sense of smell. They left the pit, someone remarked that they climbed out on the smell. The experiment was postponed for a day until all the dogs could be caught and dropped into the now even deeper pit.  
  
After Failure No. 17 it was decided that dogs also liked food that people liked to eat.  
  
After tossing the test subject into pit thirty-seven times – SUCCESS!  
  
Except for one small detail.  
  
The world's first exponent of Dog-fu was channeling the spirit of a small terrier.  
  
Tenancious, fearless, loyal and vicious in battle these were the qualities they were looking for. What they got was yapping, dug up gardens and a variety of unsavory social habits of which a tendency to sniff other peoples bottoms was the least disturbing.  
  
It was decided afterwards that this wasn't really the thing for barbarians and they would just go back to the old favourites, hitting people over the head with large clubs, swords and axes and overpowering them with bad breath and really foul body odour.  
  
Herodatus as could be expected at his publisher's request edited all of this out of the published version of his histories and instead worked it into his stand up act.  
  
Having been abandoned by Akane, Ranma had no choice but to flee as well. He had no idea how he would cope when thinking he was a cat with a cat that thought it was a dog.  
  
This incident he hoped was sufficiently strange, odd or crazy enough to satisfy Nerima's thirst for such goings on for at least a week. After all how much crazier could things get.  
  
Kasumi was at war.  
  
It had started not as with some wars with one incident which ignited the flames of war into a destructive force that laid waste to the landscape or this case the Tendo dojo. No, this was a guerilla campaign. A low scale campaign where one side struck from hiding while the other flailed away ineffectively struggling to draw the other into battle.  
  
For nearly six weeks the war had been going on and Kasumi was losing.  
  
The enemy remained unseen.  
  
The enemy remained unknown.  
  
The enemy could and did strike at will.  
  
Without warning.  
  
Without it seemed any logic.  
  
But Kasumi could not and would not admit defeat. This house was her domain. She knew each corner of her domain, this arena of war.  
  
But so to did her enemy it seemed.  
  
It started quietly. When she was working about the house she heard noises, when she went to investigate there was nothing there. Then things went missing.  
  
Mice she decided, possibly rats, she shuddered.  
  
Now in the first breakthough of the campaign she had discovered her enemy's whereabouts.  
  
After weeks of laying traps (sprung – no result) and laying baits (gone – no results) Kasumi thought about bringing in professional help.  
  
Kasumi had debated whether bringing poison into the house was safe, after all when Akane was cooking who knows what could end up in the pot, wok or baking dish.  
  
Kasumi had also debated whether she should ask for help from the members of the household but quickly discarded that idea, after all they needed the house and she did not know if the help they would provide would leave a house at the end of it.  
  
There was one person she could turn to for help, it was just a matter of time before they showed up and then at last it would be her turn to go on the offensive.  
  
The time had arrived.  
  
"Oh my!" Kasumi cried clapping her hands together happily reaching down to pick up the small black pig wearing a bandana that had just appeared from underneath the lounge. "P-chan."  
  
The small pig "Bweeee'd" happily as Kasumi sat down and held P-chan up to her face.  
  
"Ryouga." Kasumi began, causing the little pigs face to fall. "We need to talk."  
  
The pig stared at her. His look reminded her of a rabbit in the headlights, though she had never seen this look she imagined this would be the look.  
  
"Ryouga, I am very unhappy with you." Kasumi frowned at the little pig "Now, I know your little secret and if Ranma hadn't sworn me to secrecy I would have told Akane by now."  
  
P-chan shuddered and filed this failure of Ranma's honour to be added to an already overlong list of wrongdoings by Ranma.  
  
"Now, I think it is about time you told Akane your little secret. I am sure that Ranma wants to have a word to you about this, after all he and I have talked about you and what he should do.' Kasumi looked sternly at P-chan. "This needs resolving don't you think?"  
  
P-chan nodded enthusiastically.  
  
"Good. So we won't need to talk about this again, will we?"  
  
P-chan shook his head.  
  
"Very good." Kasumi stood and carried P-chan over behind the stairs "Now Ryouga I have a little problem and I think you are just the one to help me. Do you see this hole here Ryouga?"  
  
P-chan nodded as Kasumi pointed his head towards a hole in the wall at the back of the stairs.  
  
"Something lives in there Ryouga. Something that I want to leave this house. It has been prowling about moving things, taking things and it must stop." She paused "Do you understand?" Kasumi placed P-chan on the floor in front of the hole.  
  
P-chan shook his head.  
  
Kasumi sighed "Somewhere in this hole something is living. I want it gone. You are going in after it."  
  
P-chan nodded and jumping up on his hind legs produced a fair approximation of an offensive stance.  
  
Kasumi clapped delightedly. "In you go then."  
  
After five false starts Kasumi pushed P-chan into the hole in the wall and P-chan stealthily trotted down the cavity in the wall.  
  
Ryouga seethed.  
  
'Ranma Saotome for your crimes against me and the lovely Akane Tendo you must die' thought the little pig. 'Obviously honour means nothing to Saotome.'  
  
He then began listing the many faults of Ranma 'He steals my bread, runs out on our duel like a coward, pushes me into the Pool of the Drowned Pig...'  
  
So engrossed in listing Ranma's many crimes against him Ryouga or P-chan as he currently was did not notice the shape looming before him in the darkness.  
  
Startled by the sudden stop as he walked straight into the looming figure P- chan rocked back on his haunches and looked up at the menacing figure above him.  
  
A shape, tall and solid seemed to tower over him, could it be his imagination or were red eyes glowering down at him from the darkness. Ill- defined in the darkness the shape of Kasumi's enemy took on ever more frightening dimensions and features.  
  
With a panicked "Bweeee!" P-chan bolted for the exit.  
  
With a surety of direction not usually associated with the little pig P- chan shot through the hole under the stairs as fast as his short legs could carry him. Losing his footing on the polished floor as he turned to avoid Kasumi who waiting anxiously at the opening P-chan slid and rolled between Kasumi's legs and underneath a cabinet where he disappeared through one of those portals that plagued his life.  
  
"Oh bother." Said Kasumi.  
  
On their return to the dojo Akane and Ranma had split up. Ranma to perform a kata in the fading light of the afternoon sun and Akane to finish some homework she had outstanding. After only a few minutes Ranma was surprised to see Akane reappear.  
  
"Oh Ranma."  
  
"Yuh." Ranma turned around to see Akane glowing with a battle aura brighter than he had ever seen.  
  
"Sayuri just rang me."  
  
'Oh no' Ranma thought 'this can't be good.'  
  
"Sayuri." He echoed.  
  
"On the phone."  
  
"Phone."  
  
"She was downtown earlier this afternoon."  
  
"Afternoon."  
  
"She said she saw you groping Nabiki." Akane snarled "You PERVERT!"  
  
Akane ran at Ranma her mallet flashing into existence as she swung her hands back and started her downswing.  
  
"I can explain." Ranma raised his hands as the mallet swung around towards him.  
  
Once again Ranma flew out of the Tendo compound heading, westward towards the setting sun.  
  
'Ah well, at least I won't have to listen to the pops telling me to apologise and Tendo-san crying for the next hour.'  
  
The stone that Ranma had kicked earlier was a little put out.  
  
He was a very special stone. He knew this because he told himself every day. To others he looked to be nothing more than just another stone, but many years ago he had been picked out of a mountain stream by a young boy.  
  
Yes him. Other stones had been passed over, he was the one picked out, him. He had always had an inkling he was different and wasn't that he was irregularly shaped when all the other stones were worn smooth by the water.  
  
No he was special.  
  
He was taken away from the clear mountain and brought here to the big city where there were many people who could admire him and bask in the glow of his magnificent presence.  
  
The boy had lost him. OK. He thought that was a set back but he had later realised that this was a part of his greater destiny. It was only here in this busy street that he would be found and his special nature would be recognised.  
  
As it was all he could do was sit and wait for someone to wander by.  
  
Wait here comes someone now.  
  
Oh, yes. It was him.  
  
The one who had defiled him. Kicked him. Exiled him to this barren corner of Nerima where no one would recognise the shining brilliance, the splendour of him.  
  
'Vengeance is mine' cried the stone radiating hatred.  
  
'Ranma Saotome' the stone thought 'Prepare to die!'  
  
Akane had hit him a long way this time. He had reached the outskirts of Nerima and it was going to take him about an hour walking to get back to the dojo.  
  
'Ah well' he thought 'I've a lot to think about.'  
  
One of things Ranma had discovered about education and thinking was that he couldn't stop thinking. He though about everything. Why, how, where, when. Things were starting to make sense to him. This was a problem, because he didn't really realise how many problems he had until he started thinking, before he had just accepted them. Now he had problems that needed solutions.  
  
One of the first solutions he had come up with was stop insulting Akane. This he had thought would stop the poundings by mallet. But no, they had continued, actually becoming more frequent as if it was worse to stop insulting her than continue insulting her as if stopping was just some plot.  
  
OK, it was a plot but not to get at Akane, ever since he had started his experiment with learning.  
  
'No that was wrong' he thought 'it was like waking up. It's not an experiment it's a change in the way I see the world, the way I live my life and if she can't accept that then....what?'  
  
'Maybe.... Maybe this is something I can discuss with mum? I mean the reason you get engaged is that you...... the consequence of engagement is .....marriage. What do I want in a wife?'  
  
'Consequences' Ranma thought his mind jumping from one thought to another 'That's the problem, I keep thinking about consequences, instead of dodging Akane I'm freezing, hello air travel. If I don't dodge wham! How dumb can I get? Of course if I don't dodge I only get hit once usually out of sight and by the time I get back she's calmed down.'  
  
'I've realised stuff about girls, fiances and stuff. I'm not acting like me. I suppose it's making her uncomfortable. I don't love Akane. Why do I have to be in love. Maybe I shouldn't even think about love. Maybe I should just think who would make me the best wife?'  
  
Suddenly Ranma dropped in a deceptively peaceful ready stance as he felt a .....threat? Turning around he felt something hostile, but saw no-one.  
  
'Funny there's no-one here. Ah well time to go.'  
  
As he stepped away Ranma trod on a small irregular shaped stone.  
  
"Ouch" said Ranma.  
  
'Revenge is sweet' thought the stone just before Ranma kicked it again sending it off towards the other end of Nerima.  
  
Ryouga awoke with a headache, when the wormhole spat him out he was still travelling at speed and while tough his little piggy form was not quite as tough as his uncursed form. How long he was unconscious he did not know, what he did know was that Ranma Saotome was to blame.  
  
Sometime ago Ryouga had started keeping a journal of the crimes Ranma Saotome had committed, now in it's third volume after today another two pages of offences at least would be added.  
  
'Is there no God?' wailed the little pig 'Why must I be tortured so?'  
  
Sighing deeply Ryouga struggled to his feet and poked his head out to try and discover where he had ended up this time.  
  
'This place' he thought 'is familiar. An incredible amount of pink, even the clock was pink,  
  
'Four hours, I've been out for four hours.......Saotome you will pay for this. Wait a minute......... Pink! Oh no!'  
  
"Charlotte!"  
  
'Ranma Saotome' the little pig cried as Asuza picked him up and hugged him to her breast 'because of you I've seen hell!'  
  
'You and me both brother' thought the irregularly shaped stone, now painted pink, resting on a low shelf. 'You and me both.'  
  
NOTES:  
  
Sorry for the long time between updates however I generally work a 12 on 2 off shift 11 plus hours a a day and away from home and with completing my new house, moving in fighting with contractors etc. life has been interesting.  
  
This is a little, ok a lot, unpolished but if I didn't post it now who knows when.  
  
Thanks to all who reviewed. This has been my first attempt at fanfic and I hope to wrap this up in about another 4 chapters.  
  
I can't remember who it was that mentioned Cat-fist in their review, yes I did think of it, discarded the idea, then you mentioned and I thought about it, had a bit of a laugh said to myself nope and then put it in anyway. If it works in the story the credits belongs to you, it's my fault if it doesn't.  
  
I hope you enjoy it. 


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter Two  
  
'This is not a good idea' Nabiki thought to herself as Akane, Ranma and herself stood in front of the Nerima Golf Driving Range.  
  
Ranma had suddenly announced at breakfast that he was going to start training Akane. After the tears of joy and the cries of 'now our schools will be joined' had died down Ranma continued that he was going to be training Akane in a new martial arts technique. Not only that, the training was to be undertaken at a yet to be diclosed location.  
  
Akane was dubious, after all Ranma wouldn't even spar with her how was he going to train her. With the strange way Ranma had been acting lately and the fact he had been caught red-handed groping her sister Nabiki had reduced his credibility to an all time low. Nabiki had insisted that Sayuri had misinterpreted what she had seen and it was all perfectly innocent, of course if offered enough money Akane reasoned Nabiki would say anything, even cover for Ranma's perversion.  
  
This sudden decision to train Akane had sparked Nabiki's interest and so as Ranma and Akane set off to the secret training location she advised them that she would be joining them, as a chaperone of course.  
  
The amused glint in Nabiki's eye and the knowing smirk on her face did nothing to alleviate Akane's concerns.  
  
"Golf? Akane muttered incredulously.  
  
"Yup!"  
  
"I don't know anything about golf."  
  
"But I do." Smiled Ranma "I got these books and...."  
  
"Books?!" Akane spluttered.  
  
"Yup. How to Play Golf, Golf for Dummies and World Conquest: A Golfers Guide."  
  
"World Conquest: A Golfers Guide?" asked Nabiki.  
  
"Mmmm yup. By some fella called Temujin."  
  
Akane leant across and whispered out of the side of her mouth at Nabiki "Temujin?"  
  
"Genghis Khan." Nabiki whispered back.  
  
"Oh. Genghis Khan ?!"  
  
"If you ignore all the bits about horses, the bits about beheading people and what they used for golf balls" Ranma looked a little pale "there's lotsa good stuff in it."  
  
Akane and Nabiki did not look convinced, Ranma could tell.  
  
"Look, what is the biggest problem between Akane and her improving her martial arts?"  
  
"Problem?!" Akane narrowed her eyes glaring at Ranma.  
  
"Her temper?" ventured Nabiki.  
  
"TEMPER?!" the glare shifted to Nabiki.  
  
"So" Ranma said nervously "welcome to The Saotome School of Anything Goes Golf!"  
  
"Anything Goes?" Nabiki said raining an eyebrow.  
  
"Well" Ranma smiled in embarrassment "within the rules anyway."  
  
The two girls just looked at him.  
  
"Rules?"  
  
"Doesn't that contradict anything goes?"  
  
"Look, I was thinking" Ranma ignored the snort from Akane and continued "what is golf."  
  
"An excuse to wear funny clothes?"  
  
Nabiki laughed "I think Winston Churchill said it was a good walk ruined."  
  
"No and well maybe. I meant from a martial arts point of view. What do golfers do?"  
  
"Hit a little white ball."  
  
"Yes, but how do they hit it? You see," Ranma smiled hugely "golf is like a kata!"  
  
"How many times have you hit him lately Akane?"  
  
"I'd say once too often."  
  
"Look why do you do katas?" Ranma asked Akane.  
  
"As a warm up before I break bricks."  
  
"OK. But what if I say that you are also warming up your mind, preparing yourself mentally, focusing your mind, the kata is warming up your body, but is also training in discipline. Practicing getting the forms correct, relaxing your mind while also focussing your thoughts."  
  
Akane and Nabiki blinked.  
  
"I think..."  
  
"There's that think word again" snickered Akane.  
  
"If I remember correctly Ranma has been consistently getting better grades than you in class lately Akane."  
  
Akane gave Nabiki a dirty look "Luck."  
  
Ranma ignored Akane and started explaining his thinking to Nabiki "I think that golf may help Akane in focusing better and what she learns here" Ranma gestured at the driving range "will help with her martial arts. In golf you don't just hit the ball as hard as you can there is finesse, judging how hard to hit the ball. Akane needs to learn to control her anger and learn that there is more to life than just hitting things as hard as she can."  
  
"Hey! I'm still here you know."  
  
Ranma continued as if he hadn't heard her "I've been watching Akane's katas and what they do is concentrate her mind on power, possibly this also explains her temper."  
  
"TEMPER!"  
  
Nabiki smiled at Akane's display and urged Ranma to continue.  
  
"Now I saw some golf on the TV the other week and the golf swing isn't all that different from your mallet swing. So with a little practice you should be able to transfer that mallet swing into a pretty good golf swing."  
  
"I don't think this is a good idea." Said Nabiki.  
  
"Do you know how much a professional golfer can make, not to mention a lot of business gets discussed on golf courses, after all most business people play golf, don't they?" Ranma said arching an eyebrow.  
  
"Good idea. Learn lots Akane. Oh, and Ranma, you are going to teach me too aren't you Ranma-baby? Nabiki cooed sweetly fluttering her eyes striking a coy pose.  
  
"Aah sure."  
  
"This is a wood" Ranma announced holding up a golf club.  
  
"But it's made of metal?" queried Akane.  
  
"Yes, but I think the old ones used to be made of wood."  
  
Well, if they're not made of wood anymore why not call them metals."  
  
"Because these are irons." Said Ranma holding up another stick "and it would just be confusing."  
  
"That's an iron? Why is the shaft plastic then?"  
  
"It's not plastic."  
  
"No?"  
  
"No. It's graphite."  
  
"So, that metal and graphite thing is an iron and that metal and graphite thing is a wood?"  
  
"Yes." Replied Ranma consulting his book. "This"he said waving the wood "is a driver and this" he waved the other club about "is a pitcher."  
  
"A picture?"  
  
"Yes a pitcher."  
  
"I think he means pitcher as in thrower, not picture as in hang on the wall Akane." Nabiki interjected.  
  
"I thought I was supposed to hit the ball not throw things."  
  
Ranma blinked, scratched the back of his head, flipped a couple of pages and read a little further. "It's called a pitcher because it pitches the ball up in the air."  
  
"I thought you were supposed to picture the ball up in the air before you hit it." Nabiki smirked to Akane.  
  
"I thought all the clubs were supposed to all hit the ball in the air?" asked Akane.  
  
"Well, yes."  
  
Akane narrowed her eyes and glared at Ranma.  
  
"Akane" Ranma sighed "you drive with this and you pitch with this. All the clubs.."  
  
Akane growled.  
  
Ranma swallowed and continued "All the clubs hit the ball off the ground except for the putter."  
  
"Putter." Akane snarled.  
  
"Uhh, yeah."  
  
"I think you're making this up."  
  
Akane glared across at Nabiki and the owner of the driving range daring them to laugh. Nabiki deciding that things could only get better adopted the policy of 'tar baby sit and don't say nothing' and kept a stone face. The driving range owner just moved to a safer distance.  
  
"The woods and some of the longer irons you use for driving, the shorter irons, hey some of them are called wedges!"  
  
"Really!" said Akane dangerously.  
  
"Uh yeah, you use them for pitching."  
  
"I see."  
  
"This is a mashie!"  
  
"A mashie, how wonderful."  
  
Nabiki by this time was backing away as Ranma continued showing clubs to Akane and reading from his book.  
  
"and this one....."  
  
"Let me have a look." Akane said smiling with an evil glint in her eye as she snatched the club from Ranma.  
  
"Oh no." whimpered Ranma his eyes wide.  
  
"Oh yes!" smiled Akane.  
  
"Nice distance" the proprietor of the driving range said to Nabiki as he watched Ranma fly down range.  
  
Nabiki sighed. "This is going to be a long day."  
  
Nabiki strolled over and picked up the book Ranma had dropped as he began his impromptu flight. Looking at the page Ranma had been reading and the club in Akane's hand Nabiki looked up at Akane.  
  
"Hey Akane, guess what?"  
  
"What?"  
  
Smiling at Akane Nabiki held the open book up for Akane to read "I think you just niblicked Ranma."  
  
One of the problems that face all golfers is the yips. The nerves that affect the golfer as they go to play a stroke.  
  
Akane was no exception.  
  
After Ranma had demonstrated the golf swing, perfect as always Akane growled to herself as Ranma's ball flew down the driving range landing within a few feet of the target Ranma had said he was aiming for.  
  
When it was her turn, Akane swung wildly. Though they were only practise swings Ranma could almost feel the terror radiating from the bucket of golf balls he had gotten for Akane.  
  
By the time Akane stepped up to actually drive one of the unfortunate golf balls Ranma, Nabiki and Mr Kirishima who ran the driving range could feel the heat radiating off Akane.  
  
Her first three swings passed inches over the top of the golf ball.  
  
Ranma in his best sensei mode stepped forward extolling the virtues of control and relaxation over pure power. The feral grin Akane gave him in return caused him to step back sharply and Nabiki and Mr Kirishima to cringe.  
  
Akane looked back at the golfball, focusing her mind on the task at hand. Her anger was eating her up, she took deep breaths, focusing her anger into the head of the golf club which started to glow red. In her minds eye Ranma's head replace the golf ball sitting up on the tee.  
  
"Kawaii kune uncute thick thighed tomboy can't cook' the golf ball chanted at her.  
  
Snarling she brought the club around.  
  
Ranma in spite of himself was impressed, though she had failed in the calm and finesse side of this exercise her swing was near perfect.  
  
The golf ball was less impressed.  
  
Sailing higher and further than any other golf ball before, the golf ball flew up and past the end of the driving range still climbing. Many miles passed before it began to descend.  
  
As it was only a new ball it was unaware that it was only a practise ball and so when it saw the water below it the golf ball thought 'perfect a water hazard, this'll teach her.'  
  
Unfortunately it was only a practise golf ball and this was Tokyo harbour.  
  
It was only as it settled into the mud at the bottom of the harbour that the golf ball realised that it was now flat on one side.  
  
Ranma found that teaching Akane the basics of the gold swing was remarkably easy, after all as he had noted her mallet swing and the golf swing had a lot in common. The only problem he really had was convincing Akane that there was more to golf than hitting the ball out of sight.  
  
Finesse and maintaining an even temper was the lesson and as he kept trying to tell her this was more important than power.  
  
'So how to demonstrate.' He thought.  
  
Then Ranma spotted Nabiki standing off to the side smirking.  
  
"Nabiki!" Ranma grabbed Nabiki and pulled her over to one of the bays placing a nine iron in her hands. "Help me here for a moment."  
  
Before she had a chance to protest Nabiki found herself standing with Ranma pressed behind her, his arms reaching around guiding her hands to hold the golf stick in the correct manner. Still reaching around Nabiki and holding her hands in his Ranma guided her through the golf swing and while softly speaking instructions in her ear.  
  
With the recent changes in way Nabiki had been thinking about Ranma this was all very distracting. His hands holding hers were hard and callused but surprisingly gentle, she could feel his body pressed firmly up against her back and his warm breath and his whispered instructions in her ear was making it hard to concentrate. Nabiki shook herself softly and trying to concentrate on Ranma's words.  
  
Ranma had quickly decided that this was a bad idea, but having started he couldn't very well stop. Since the other day in the park and the walk home Ranma had been thinking about Nabiki. Probably more than he should. Now he was finding it hard to concentrate and when Nabiki started to wriggle her behind into him in response to his request to get herself settled into her stance and relax, it was only by concentrating on his 'Soul of Ice' that he didn't pass out or die of terminal nosebleed.  
  
To Akane's eye there was something seriously perverted about what Ranma and Nabiki were up to. Not only did Ranma have his arms around Nabiki but he was whispering in her ear and now they were wiggling their behinds together. If this wasn't perverted Akane was no judge of perversion and having been around Ranma for quite some time she thought she knew all about perverts and what really steamed her was the fact that not only wasn't Nabiki protesting she actually seemed to be enjoying it.  
  
Akane growled dangerously and moved closer to where Ranma was instructing Nabiki.  
  
Ranma looked up at Akane and asked "You're going to hit me aren't you?"  
  
"Oh yes." Akane replied with a glint in her eye.  
  
"OK, can you wait just a moment" Ranma said calmly.  
  
Startled Akane just nodded.  
  
"OK" said Ranma backing away "Now just like I showed you, a nice gentle even swing and...."  
  
Nabiki swung the golf club and connected with golf ball with a sweet 'cleek' sound sending the ball into a graceful arc landing six feet from the small flag on the area marked off as a 'green' in the practice fairway.  
  
"Yessss.!" Ranma yelled stepping forward and patting Nabiki on the back. "You see Akane it's not all about...."  
  
Whatever Ranma was going to say was cut off as once again Ranma described a graceful arc towards the end of the driving range.  
  
Akane gave a satisfied "Hmmphh!" and turned back to driving her bucket of balls down range.  
  
"How does she do that?" the Mr Kirishima asked.  
  
"I have no idea." Nabiki replied.  
  
Soun Tendo had been troubled of late. Soun had been troubled of late by strange voices in his head, or so he though, these voices were in fact Teri practising his speech.  
  
At first Soun thought it was his dead wife returned to him, speaking from beyond the grave, urging him to buy brand X washing powder or take Shinji back 'you know he still loves you' or even stranger to 'Go Gekiganger 3'.  
  
Shopping for Kasumi became more of an adventure as her father insisted on selecting which brands she should buy and what she should buy. After one night restless sleep Soun had insisted that Kasumi buy biscuits of a type and variety that no-one in the house ate, after all with Kasumi's excellent cooking why would you buy biscuits. Two days were spent asking anyone who came to the dojo if they knew anyone called Shinji, those were a troubling two days for Soun and very worrying for everyone else.  
  
The clothing styles Soun wore followed the latest fashions, both men's and women's as the voice each night for a week extolled the virtues of all the latest styles and designs. As Souns behaviour swung wildly day to day and week to week dependent on what the voice told him, the others started to begin to wonder if the long anticipated breakdown was finally upon them.  
  
When Soun started daily replaying sporting events from around the world, Nabiki suggested calling in professional help.  
  
Soun never told anyone about the voice in his head, after all he didn't want them thinking he was crazy. What no-one noticed however was that Soun's abnormal behaviour seemed to follow what the household had watched on television the previous night.  
  
The week of the crime movie festival was extremely tense.  
  
Ryouga Hibiki wandered lost through the streets of Budapest.  
  
Not five minutes ago he had through a mixture of sign language, half understood words and overblown theatrics been able to discover that somehow he had managed to cross into Europe.  
  
The worst of it was he had urgent business in Nerima.  
  
Ranma Saotome must pay! He broken his word and divulged his secret and now if he didn't tell Akane Kasumi would. Ranma insisting that Ryouga tell Akane was unreasonable.  
  
'It's all Ranma's fault, he should tell her.' Ryouga thought 'How dare he tell someone about my curse, that honourless coward. If he tells her I'll kill him for breaking his word."  
  
For Ryouga as normal everything could make sense as long as Ranma was to blame. Still telling Akane about the curse still preyed on his mind.  
  
Ryouga was certain that Akane would understand and forgive him. 'After all' he thought 'she is the sweetest and gentlest soul I know.'  
  
Still mumbling, grumbling and blaming Ranma, Ryouga strolled down a Budapest street into the side streets of Nerima.  
  
It was on the walk back to the dojo that Ranma spotted Ryouga down one of the side streets.  
  
Thinking quickly Ranma turned to Akane and Nabiki and said "Just remembered something I gotta do. See ya." And disappeared quickly down the side street before Ryouga was lost to sight.  
  
Nabiki looked at Akane "Are you a little curious?"  
  
Akane nodded.  
  
Nabiki smiled "Well?' and the two girls took off at a run following Ranma.  
  
As they reached the corner they saw Ranma calling to Ryouga who with his usual cry of 'Ranma Saotome prepare to die!' launched himself at Ranma. This time however Ryouga's flight was intercepted by a stream of water fired from a water pistol Ranma had been concealing on his person for just this occasion.  
  
Nabiki and Akane were stunned as a little black pig they both knew well continued his flight only to have Ranma catch him by the neck. As they watched from their hiding spot they could see Ranma talking animatedly to the little pig.  
  
"That bastard" hissed Akane stepping forward only to be stopped by Nabiki.  
  
"Watch and listen."  
  
They could only make out the occasional word 'taking advantage', 'honour', 'no more' and 'understand' figured prominently. Ranma talked and an obviously distressed little pig nodded vigorously.  
  
While this one sided conversation continued Akane and Nabiki were arriving at similar conclusions about Ranma's behaviour towards a certain black piglet.  
  
"That bastard" Akane hissed again.  
  
"Which one?"  
  
"Both of them" Akane breathed heavily "Why didn't he tell me/us/anybody?"  
  
"I think we caught enough of all that to guess."  
  
"Mmhmm. Ranma gave his word. Baka!"  
  
"He did try to tell us though."  
  
"Mmhmm. Because of that I may just let him live." Akane frowned "Possibly."  
  
As they watched they could see things were winding down, Ryouga gave an exaggerated nod that seemed to signal the end of the conversation.  
  
Still holding Ryouga, Ranma, holding the water pistol in the same hand emptied the water pistol onto his other hand triggering the change to his femal form.  
  
"Why did he do that?" Akane asked puzzled.  
  
As they watched the water in Ranma's hand began to steam changing him back to his male form, he then poured the remaining water over the little pig's head.  
  
Dropping the naked Ryouga on his pile of clothes Ranma calmly said "Now, let's not have this conversation again. OK?"  
  
A stunned Ryouga could only nod.  
  
"I didn't know he could do that!" whispered Nabiki.  
  
"Yeah" Akane breathed "Wow!"  
  
Nabiki looked at Ranma walking away from Ryouga, back to Ryouga who was struggling into his clothes and then she spotted Shampoo walking up another of the side streets up towards the street where Ryouga was struggling into his clothes.  
  
"Want to have some fun with Ryouga?"  
  
"What? Fun? I want to cook pork spare ribs, pork rolls, sweet and sour pork I want him to suffer. Ohhhh he'll pay. A visit to the vet, heh heh heh. Piggy pinata, ho ho ho" Akane was getting immersed in her visions of vengeance, wringing her hands and chuckling maniacally, her eyes were taking on a glazed sheen.  
  
Nabiki could see dark shadows forming around Akane and was starting to become a little frightened.  
  
'This' Nabiki decided 'needs nipping in the bud before murder is committed.'  
  
"Look." Nabiki said grabbing Akane's hand and dragging forwards with her. "Just cry piteously and follow my lead."  
  
"OK." Akane started weeping theatrically and followed Nabiki out to where Ryouga was now standing fully dressed.  
  
"Ryouga! Thank goodness you're here!" Nabiki cried throwing herself on Ryouga as Akane continued weeping.  
  
"What?" Ryouga looked from the upset Nabiki to the weeping Akane and back, "What did Ranma do this time?"  
  
"It's Shampoo" Nabiki explained holding the back of her hand to her forehead almost swooning.  
  
Akane almost stopped weeping as she watched her sister's masterful performance.  
  
"Shampoo" continued Nabiki almost weeping now herself "Oh, she was so mean to Akane, oh the pain, the agony, whatever will we do...?"  
  
Akane resisted the urge to criticise Nabiki for laying it on a bit thick, but she noticed that Ryouga was lapping all of Nabiki's theatrics up wholesale.  
  
"That, that amazon...." Whatever Ryouga was going to say was lost as he spotted Shampoo rounding the corner  
  
"Shampoo prepare to die." Ryouga cried launching himself in the time honoured manner at Shampoo.  
  
"What? Silly lost boy challenge Shampoo?" Shampoo growled and launched herself forward at Ryouga where the two commenced a vicious battle in the middle of the street.  
  
"I really don't think we need to see this do you? said Nabiki proudly examining her handiwork.  
  
"Impressive!" said Akane linking arms with Nabiki they headed homeward.  
  
Ryouga had no idea what went wrong.  
  
He was winning, he was sure he was winning. In fact he'd thought he'd won. Then Shampoo had started calling him 'Airen' and drug him into one of the nearby buildings where she....she....... it was all a little too much for his mind to take.  
  
Fortunately he had somehow managed to break away eventually and make his escape. Unfortunately he could never go back to that shop again, which was a pity he really liked their bread rolls.  
  
Ryouga found himself wandering aimlessly, how this was different to his usual wanderings are really only a matter of perspective. His eyes were wild and haunted.  
  
"How, how will Akane ever accept me" he moaned "after what Shampoo and I did in the snack foods aisle."  
  
Ryouga looked a mess, his clothes were torn, his hair gave the impression he had stuck a fork into a power point and held it there and his eyes were wild making people cross the street to avoid him.  
  
He had to hide, he had to run away, he had to get shots Shampoo must be mad, she may have rabies. Ryouga started patting himself down to see if Shampoo had bitten him.  
  
In a rare moment of insight Ryouga decided running away was impossible because he had no idea where he would end up and in all possibility he would end up exactly where and with who he was running away from.  
  
Unsure of himself and what had really happened to him Ryouga continued walking.  
  
Akane's temper was shorter than usual with Ranma over the few days following finding out about Ryouga's curse. What made it worse was the fact that Nabiki seemed to understand Ranma's motives better than she did.  
  
That started alarm bells ringing.  
  
Akane made a mental note to keep a closer eye on Nabiki around Ranma. She had already noticed that Nabiki seemed to be paying more attention to Ranma lately, she had even caught them talking. But she didn't really think much more about it.  
  
This sudden interest in Ranma and Ranma's friendship with Nabiki.... What did it mean?  
  
Something was happening.  
  
Ever since Ranma started paying attention in school she had started to feel uncomfortable. She was always unsure about how she felt about Ranma and this sudden change had upset her. She was unsure how she felt about the old Ranma and now there was a new Ranma to deal with.  
  
One thing she knew however, he was her fiance and she wasn't giving him up.  
  
Not to that bimbo Shampoo.  
  
Not to the 'cute' Ukyou.  
  
Definitely not to the crazy Kodachi.  
  
And her sister wasn't getting him either.  
  
If only she knew what she wanted to do with him.  
  
Did she want to marry him?  
  
She looked up onto the fence where Ranma was walking on the fence.  
  
'He's cramming before that exam today.' She thought angrily. 'He's better than me at martial arts, he can cook better than me.'  
  
She winced 'ouch did that hurt to admit, and now he's doing better at school. It's not fair!'  
  
So intent on studying Ranma Akane didn't notice Ryouga until she walked into him.  
  
"Ryouga!" Akane looked at Ryouga suddenly concerned for his wellbeing.  
  
Ryouga, Akane noted looked terrible.  
  
"Akane." Ryouga said listlessly.  
  
"What did you do to him this time?" Akane screamed at Ranma who had jumped down from the fence and was also looking at Ryouga with concern.  
  
"Nothin." Ranma continued peering at Ryouga only to be caught unawares by Akane's three wood.  
  
Akane watched as Ranma sailed off towards Furinkan High.  
  
"Wait a minute aren't I angry with Ryouga." Akane whispered to herself as she continued watching Ranma disappear into the distance. "Damn."  
  
She sent Ryouga in the other direction.  
  



	4. Chapter 3

Chapter Three 

The golf experiment continued over the next few days. Akane seemed to have fallen in love with golf, surprising everyone including Ranma. The time Akane usually spent breaking bricks diminished as Akane spent time practising her swing or practising putting.

Akane had even started learning the lesson of keeping her temper, staying calm and using finesse over power. Unfortunately this did not spill over into the world outside of the golf driving range. The biggest change in Akane's behviour however was that now that instead of a mallet, Akane usually pulled a golf club out of, well wherever she pulled mallets from, and drove, pitched and on rare occasions putted Ranma towards the horizon.

The part that had Nabiki in stitches and possibly annoyed Akane the most was that when Ranma returned from his flight he gave a review of her swing, what was wrong, what was right and how to fix it. This often lead to a second and sometimes third flight.

Nabiki lay back on her bed staring at the ceiling, a small smile playing across her lips as she replayed the first visit to the driving range in her mind.

Only this time Akane wasn't there. Now when Ranma demonstrated the grip, instead of backing away he stayed close. He released his grip on her hands and ran his hands up her arms, his fingertips softly caressing her arms.

He breathed softly in her ear, nibbling softly on her earlobe as his hands moved up onto her shoulders and then down her sides sooooo slowly until his hands rested on her hips, pressing her back against his warmth. She sighed as his hands move upwards yet again feather-light teasing her as they crossed her stomach and still travelled upwards.

She turned her head, her lips parted as he lowered his mouth to hers and he called out in Kasumi's voice "Nabiki dinners on the table."

"Damn" Nabiki sighed "I've got to stop this or I'll end up falling for that dumb jock."

'The trouble is' some part of her thought 'it's already too late.'

Meal times at the Tendo residence had become a little strained of late.

Kasumi was finding that her on-going battle with her as yet unseen enemy was beginning to wear her out. Combat fatigue was starting to show and Kasumi had actually snapped at Genma for stealing from other peoples' plates.

Now while Genma was generally immune to all criticisms, Kasumi was the one person apart from his wife who could frighten him. While his wife hung the threat of seppuku over his head, Kasumi even more importantly controlled the food.

If someone had, and various people had thought about it, modifying Genma's behaviour or training Genma in good manners they would have found that he like a lot of animals was motivated almost entirely by food. Now if you consider the basic needs of all men, women and animals they all have basic needs. Food, shelter and clothing (if you're people, animals aren't much fussed on clothes).

Genma however could forego shelter and in his panda form clothes. Not requiring clothes as a panda was seen by Genma as a plus, the major downside for Genma in being a panda was being unable to order at the better restaurants. After he had visited some of the not so good restaurants he wasn't allowed order much less back through the front, side or back door. either.

But this was all neither here nor there.

Kasumi had snapped at him and threatened not to feed him for a week if he didn't stop trying to steal food from other peoples' plates.

It should also be noted at this point that Ranma had been doing his best to protect the plates of others around the table. But the sum effect of Genma's and Ranma's chopsticks flying willy nilly around the table in a mad mazurka of food redistribution and interdiction was that the process of eating for the Tendo household was becoming rather hazardous.

As Nabiki said "It's all good fun until someone loses an eye."

So mealtime, if you discounted the air of tension, was peaceful. Too peaceful as no-one was now game to speak other than to say 'please', 'thank you' or 'growlf'.

Ranma had started eating somewhat slower as for the first time in memory his food wasn't about to disappear onto someone else's plate. Some dim memory remained of his childhood where meal times were a pleasant experience where his mother presided over a peaceful table but years of speed training/food theft had all but driven these memories away.

Unfortunately for the peaceful mealtime, the one of the first since the arrival of the Saotomes, there was about to be an appearance that would make this mealtime........ memorable.

In the dark and dank recesses of the walls of the Tendo home Kasumi's enemy lived.

It cannot be said that Kasumi's enemy schemed and plotted because the thought of scheming and/or plotting had not troubled the mind of her adversary. The adversary, who would one day be called Teri, and for simplicities sake will henceforth be called Teri, did not until a few months ago have the capacity to either scheme or plot.

For until only a few months ago awareness had not yet dawned on Teri. That perhaps may not be quite correct, because until a couple of months ago Teri was aware in the same manner of a dog. But on that fateful day, a few months ago, on a Tuesday to be precise, Teri tried to be precise, the torch of true intelligence flickered on.

With intelligence came an immense curiosity about the world. So Teri began exploring the world when something caught Teri's eye it was drug back to his home where he could examine it more closely, of course not everything could be drug back home so some things had to be examined in-situ, moved, rotated, pushed and pulled.

The television was the most amazing thing and though Teri spoke softly, Teri learnt to speak from watching the television. Of course this explained the voices in Soun's head as the voice talking to Soun was actually practising his speech.

But now the time had come to venture forth.

Out there in what Teri knew to be the dining area, someone important sat with the rest of the people who shared the house.

It was time to say hello.

Akane had had an interesting day.

After school she had headed over to the golf driving range to practise her driving. She had to admit that Ranma's golfing idea was a good one. Though why he would think she had a bad temper was beyond her, there was nothing wrong with her temper if Ranma didn't provoke her.

Like today, Ranma had actually come out and said they should play around.

Akane felt she was fully justified in launching Ranma towards the far end of Furinkan High. When Sayuri had mentioned that maybe he had meant 'a round of golf' Akane angrily replied 'then why didn't he say so?'

Then a girl walking by who had overheard the conversation said 'He can play around with me anytime he wants!' Akane started to see red once again so that when Ranma returned he was again launched towards the outer reaches of Furinkan High.

She was still three blocks from the driving range when she ran into Ryouga. Pale and shivering he kept glancing over his shoulder nervously and muttering.

'She's going to kill me." Ryouga gasped as he clutched Akane by the shoulders and then clung to her like a drowning man.

"Who's going to kill you Ryouga?" Akane asked concerned.

"Shampoo!" Ryouga whimpered glancing about nervously.

"What? How? Why?" Akane gasped shocked.

Akane was very sorry she asked, as an obviously distraught Ryouga gave her an unexpurgated run down on exactly what Shampoo did to him and was doing to him every chance she got to drag him away into some bushes, a closet or just about anywhere slightly out of the way.

Akane went pale, red, pale red and then that colour red that's slightly redder than a firetruck as Ryouga's tale of woe went on. And on. And on.

Finally she could take no more, he mind awash with tortured visions of Ryouga and Shampoo writhing together performing acts that even she imagined that hentai's would draw the line at.

Pushing Ryouga away and drawing her three iron in one smooth motion and with a swing that would make even the most seasoned golf professional weep with envy Akane launched Ryouga skyward with a cry of "Ryouga no hentai!"

Akane stood unmoving, shudders wracked her body as she tried to purge her mind of pictures of Ryouga and Shampoo, her expression was still haunted as Shampoo came running up to her.

"You see Airen?" Shampoo asked grabbing Akane and looking intently at her.

Shampoo's expression decided Akane was somewhere between deliriously happy, concerned and 'Oh Kami-sama' thought Akane fearfully 'hungry.'

Akane was still partially frozen by Ryouga's tale of woe and debauchery. The fear that had begun to creep into Akane's mind was beginning to be replaced by terror.

'If she can't find Ryouga' Akane thought 'maybe she'll turn on the closest person to her and THAT'S ME!'

Akane swallowed and while backing up waved her hand vaguely in the direction she had driven Ryouga with a three iron only moments before and prayed that Shampoo would just go.

'In fact' thought Akane 'I'll help.'

Again drawing her three iron Akane sent Shampoo off in the same direction as Ryouga.

Shampoo was initially shocked by what had happened, in fact her first thought was 'when did stupid violent girl start using funny sticks instead of mallet?'

The second was 'How does she get such good distance? Must talk to mallet girl and use technique on Mousse.'

The third thought was 'there is Airen, if I twist just so I catch Airen!'

"Thank you kitchen destroyer girl!" cried Shampoo as she started her descent.

Akane shuddered as her mind was again tortured by visions of Shampoo and Ryouga, she had to get to the driving range. Ranma was right , the sweet purity of the golfing kata, a clear mind, peace, relaxation, calm, the perfect swing and sweet sound of a perfectly timed stroke.

"Stroke!" Akane screamed as further visions of Ryouga and Shampoo returned to haunt her.

'Why, oh why did he need to tell me all that?' Akane's mind was in turmoil. 'Boys they're all perverts

It was only after she had driven five buckets of practise balls out onto the practise fairway that Akane was able to get the visions of Ryouga and Shampoo in the park together out of her mind.

Calm was once again returning to her mind, her breathing eased as her mind was emptied and the peaceful calm of the golfing kata drove all extraneous thoughts from her mind.

'Didn't they know about the timed sprinkler system in the park." Akane wailed as she saw the sprinking system start to water the practise fairway..

As she returned to the pro shop, the other golfers cringed in fear from the troubled young woman.

Teri made his appearance. There was no fanfare Teri just walked out into the room and stood and waited for someone to notice.

Unfortunately Kasumi was the first to notice. It took her only a moment to realise who or more importantly what this was.

Kasumi ran for the kitchen screaming "It's it. It's it.!"

As one the rest of the table turned and watched Kasumi flee the room and then like a crowd at the tennis swivelled their heads back to the new arrival.

Nabiki gaped a the figure standing before them "What is that?"

Roughly eighteen inches tall and shaped like an adult male wearing casual clothes Teri stood casually looking at the Tendos and Saotomes. His skin was a dark brown colour, almost mahogany and shone like it was polished, a subtle grain could be observed through the sheen. His eyes were the same colour as the rest of him, in fact he looked just like an eighteen inch tall statue of a man.

Teri smiled showing his teeth, which were of the same colour as the rest of him and spoke in a clear soft voice, reminiscent of the well modulated tones of a newsreader.

"Hello."

"It's a demon from hell!" shrieked Soun "my poor daughters' soul's will be stripped from them by foul demons. Now our families will never be joined!"

Genma in his ultimate panda defense technique conjured a sign saying 'Pandas don't have soul's. Take my sons instead."

Akane pulled out her three iron, rapidly becoming her favourite club, figuring that the lower trajectory provided by the three iron would put either the strange figure or Genma through the doorway rather than the roof saving on repairs. The only problem was which one should she get rid of first.

Nabiki looked at Ranma.

'After all, all the craziness in Nerima usually has something to do with him.' Nabiki thought 'If anyone can figure out what this is about it will be Ranma.'

Ranma rolled his eyes as he spotted his father's sign and went back to studying the figure before him. He scratched the back of his head as he leant forward, the small figure smiled at him, he smiled back.

'Something about this little fellow is awfully familiar' Ranma thought. 'But what is it?'

Ranma stood up, still scratching the back of head.

"Wait a minute." Ranma finally spoke, his face suddenly alight with comprehension "that's Akane's chicken teriyaki!"

"What?! How dare you pick on my cooking." Akane snarled forgetting their visitor for a moment.

Genma too leant forward for a closer look at the small figure.

"Growlf" said Genma holding a sign that read 'The boy's right!"

Akane's eyes narrowed "You too eh?"

'They're probably right Akane" Nabiki smirked "Nobody knows food like those two."

Akane turned on Nabiki just in time to catch the sight of dishevelled Kasumi running from kitchen with a large chef's knife raised above her head. Her eyes were wild, her hair had seemly been rearranged by Mad Woman of the Woods: Hairdressers to the Possessed and Evil Witches, all that was missing was the obligatory twigs and perhaps a small bird or two. In a magical transformation worthy of any number of magical girls, Kasumi's dress had in a matter of moments been transformed into a grey featureless sack adding to the otherworldly image.

Soun, weakened by the shock of their visitor fainted at the sight of the madwoman who had taken the place of his eldest daughter.

Genma fled through the side wall leaving a panda shaped hole, throwing signs behind him as he ran.

'She's possessed.'

'I'm an escaped panda, lock me up someplace safe.'

and even.

'I'll never steal food again.'

Akane stood stunned as Ranma and Nabiki threw themselves at Kasumi and wrestled her to the ground,. Some small part of her mind, running on automatic catalogued each time Ranma's hands appeared to roam or rest anywhere on Kasumi's body that could be considered inappropriate for later use. Her gaze roamed from her father, passed out on the floor, Kasum, Nabiki and Ranma rolling wildly on the floor the knife gleaming as it caught the light and their newest visitor who had quietly moved over to stand directly in front of her.

Akane looked down at the small figure who looked calmly back up at her.

And then it spoke again "Momma."

If life was a movie, this would have been the time for one of those John Woo shots where time stops and the camera whirls around the frozen scene.

Life in this case imitated art, as all of the inhabitants of the room froze in place.

Kasumi had eventually been calmed down and went upstairs to change and do her hair.

Ranma and Nabiki sat down with Teri and decided, along with Teri that they couldn't very well call him 'Akane's chicken teriyaki' and decided to call him Teri.

Though Ranma didn't know it, he was quite popular with Teri, OK Ranma was fighting with Teri's mother all the time, but he hadn't eaten him and that counted for a lot. Of course his mother, he really liked her, had tried to feed him to Ranma, but everyone was allowed one mistake.

So Teri was quite comfortable sitting talking to Ranma and Nabiki until Kasumi returned and joined in the conversation, though Kasumi was still a little nervous.

Soun lay passed out on the floor for a good fifteen minutes before he came to, he took his usual spot at the table and sat stunned.

Akane they left standing where she was.

Genma Saotome wasn't having a good night.

On the plus side he had escaped having his soul sucked out my Akane's cooking, managed to evade death from the demon Kasumi that had emerged from the kitchen and had eaten a good meal.

On the down side, he had nearly had his soul sucked out by Akane's cooking, nearly been made into a panda rug by a demon Kasumi and was currently locked in the back of a truck taking him to London to be part of a panda breeding programme.

Genma looked sadly across at the other panda sitting in a similarly dejected state in the other cage.

The other panda who liked to be called Frank but was called Gin Gin by the zoo staff held up a sign 'Curse?'

'Yes' Genma replied via sign 'You?'

'No I'm a panda.'

"Growlf?"

'Gotta use signs, no proper vocal chords.'

Genma nodded numbly.

They travelled for a while, without exchanging any signs.

Boredom started to set in so Genma in the hope of starting a little conversation held up another sign 'Breeding programme eh? Could be a good life for a panda.'

'I'm gay' was the reply.

Genma swallowed and backed himself up against his cage facing the other panda wide-eyed.

They travelled in silence, Genma trying to back himself through his cage while Frank watched him in amusement. After they had travelled several more city blocks, Frank pulled out a harmonica that he had tied to a string looped around his neck and began to softly play.

Genma watched, listened and then held up another sign.

'Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.................'

The rest of the evening passed in relative calm.

Kasumi found as the night wore on that Teri was both charming and polite.

'Ranma' she thought 'could take lessons, in fact I think I will suggest it.'

Nabiki liked Teri from the start. It was just more proof that weirdness and craziness followed Ranma like night followed day. It didn't appear that Teri brought any additional trouble with him and he didn't seem to need to eat or drink, so no increase in costs.

'Even if he did cause an increase in costs' Nabiki thought watching Teri, Ranma and Kasumi talking 'I think he could be worth it. For novelty value if nothing else.'

Nabiki glanced across at Akane still standing stunned in the middle of the room. 'She' Nabiki thought has been very unsettled since Ranma started paying attention in school and this won't help either. I think I'll have to get Kasumi to talk to her before too long or she's goning to go right off the deep end.'

Soun Tendo hovered between joy at having a grandchild, horror at it being an ambulent chicken teriyaki and worry that a child born out of wedlock would damage the prospects of his daughter.

Ranma found that this was the first time he actually liked Akane's cooking.

Akane never moved from where Teri first spoke to her, Kasumi came back down at two in the morning and helped her to bed.

Chicken teiryaki no matter how cultured and well spoken is not something that should be let roam the streets by itself and after much persuasion Teri was convinced that school might not be the right place for him.

As they walked off to school Akane, Nabiki and Ranma talked about the latest resident at the Tendo dojo Akane commented that "At least some people know how to behave."

Ranma leant across and whispered into Nabiki's ear.

"What was that?" Akane yelled as Nabiki started laughing.

"Nothing" Ranma replied backing away nervously.

"Really, well neither's this!" snarled Akane launching Ranma skywards.

As Ranma sailed up and past the rooftops he called back to Akane "You're lifting your head."

Akane looked disgusted, glared at Nabiki and said "I hate it when he does that."

Nabiki just laughed.

Akane glared back.

"OK. What did he say to you?"

Nabiki laughed and held up her hand to Akane as she tried to control herself "Wait, wait just a bit."

Nabiki's laughter subsided and still snickering shook herself and said "He said you made a good chicken teriyaki."

Akane blinked.

"Oh" Akane blinked again "You know that is kind of funny."

Notes etc.: Sorry for the long delay in updating this story, the reason for the delay is a very long story in itself and not a very happy one. I've now written, very roughly, the next three chapters of this story so hopefully the next update won't take as long.

I apologise for any editing problems but I just don't have the spare time available to spend the time I would like fixing the editing. Perhaps when I finish I will do a fully edited version. Perhaps.


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter Five 

As Nabiki and Akane approached the school gates they found Ranma leaning against a telephone pole across the street as if waiting for them to arrive. Akane was still undecided as to whether she should be angry about Ranma's 'good meal' comment and as usual decided that Ranma was obviously in the wrong and strode up to Ranma crossed her arms and glared, working herself up to either driving Ranma towards the outer reaches of Nerima or just chipping him over the school gymnasium. Nabiki however just smiled at Ranma, doing nothing to improve her sister's mood and walked into the grounds of Furinkan High to check on the current odds on the anticipated Saotome v. Kuno bout.

Akane glared at Ranma psyching herself up after deciding that a pitching wedge shot over the gymnasium would both satisfy her and still allow Ranma to get to class on time. Ranma did something unexpected and produced a small bottle of cold water and pouring it over his head.

Akane blinked, her bad mood momentarily forgotten as Ranma-chan looked about, obviously checking for something, but what Akane could not fathom.

Ranma-chan gave a small smile to herself and strolled happily through the gates of Furinkan. Akane followed, obviously Ranma had something planned.

Since Ranma's arrival in Nerima Akane's life had been turned upside down. While she could admit that her life wasn't perfect before Ranma's arrival at least it had a distinct pattern and devoid, mostly, of the craziness that surrounded Ranma.

Akane was a few steps behind Ranma sstill trying to figure out what the pervert was up to this time when Kuno spotted Ranma.

Kuno was certain that this time he would defeat the devil Saotome, as certain as he had been the last two hundred times, but last night Kuno had dreamt of victory! The great Miyamoto Musashi himself had praised him and called him sempai! Today victory was certain.

The first emotion that came to Kuno as he spied his beloved pig-tailed girl stroll through the front gates was disappointment that the foul sorcerer Saotome had failed to appear. It was only momentary however as his heart was filled with a joy so profound he felt it would burst free from his chest to fall at the feet of his beloved. Behind and slightly to the side of the pig-tailed girl was the beautious Akane Tendo, truly today he was blessed. His loves had been freed from the evil one Ranma Saotome and even now hungered for his embrace.

Tears of joy marked Kuno's face as he sprung forward his arms outstretched to comfort his beloved pig-tailed goddess in his arms.

Ranma-chan dodged Kuno's arms nimbly and cried piteously, burying her head in the crook of her left arm she held the other arm stretched out with the palm of her hand up in the stop position.

"Stop!" Ranma-chan sobbed and though her face was hidden the crowd circling the pair could see tears streaming from her eyes.

"Oh my pig-tailed goddess, cry not!" Kuno proclaimed as his pants dropped to his ankles revealing that he had forgotten to wear boxers this morning. "Let your servant the great Kuno Tatewaki the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High sooth your troubles and relieve you of the terrors that plague you so."

Ranma-chan looked up at the Kuno's beseeching eyes "Stay away from me you foul despoiler of women! Leave me be! Don't you understand your attentions are unwanted, how you have tortured me? Can you not leave me alone"

Kuno still oblivious to his state of dishabille made small sounds of protest.

"Though my valiant brother.........."

"Brother?" interrupted Kuno, still kept at bay by one outstretched hand while Ranma-chan wept softly into the crook of the elbow of her other arm.

Kuno gazed lost at the glorious form of his beloved as she sobbed piteously, her shoulders heaving with the terrible emotions that were tormenting her flowed through her body causing her to quake.

"The foul demon Saotome has gone too far this time, I must free my beloved from his awful depredations' Kuno vowed to himself.

"My dear brother" Ranma-chan continued "Ranma Saotome has tried to protect me from your foul molestations, but to no avail."

"Brother.... Saotome?" Kuno muttered disbelievingly as Ranma-chan paused as a fit of sobbing overtook her.

"Now........ " she sniffled "now I find I cannot stand the sight of men and I find myself attracted only to women!"

"Eep" said Akane blushing furiously.

"Brother?........Women?"

"I have become a lesbian!" declared Ranma-chan.

One of the male students near Nabiki started weeping on his friend's shoulder while his friend patted him on the back making 'there, there' sounds.

Nabiki turned to stare a look of disbelief on her face. "You realise that Ranma is really a guy right?"

"Uh-huh" the student sniffed "But, I mean he's the best looking girl in the school.......... and now he's a lesbian."

Nabiki shook her head "Idiots!" she breathed rolling her eyes.

As Nabiki turned back to Ranma-chan and Kuno she could see a disturbance begin at the gates to the school. Two police officers were shouldering their way through the crowd until they stood in the clear ground at the centre of the crowd around Kuno and Ranma.

As Kuno started to protest once more he felt hands settle on his shoulders.

"Tatewaki Kuno?"

Kuno struck out "What foul peasants dares defile the magnificence that is I, Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High? Can you not see that my love and I are discussing matters of great import beyond your puny understanding?"

Kuno slapped their hands away, ignoring the fact they were police, drew his bokken in preparation of dishing out his rightful vengeance upon the offending peasants.

"Tatewaki Kuno?" the first policeman said.

"Who are you that dares interfere with the love talk of Tatewaki Kuno and his beloved pig-tailed goddess?"

"I'm Sergeant Asuma Shinohara and this is Officer Noa Izumi" said the male officer.

Realising at last that these were representatives of the law enforcement community Kuno allowed his attention to be momentarily diverted from his beloved pig-tailed goddess. "Depart, minions of the law there is nought here for you. If there is punishment to be dealt out here it is the province of I..."

"Yeah, yeah the great blue blunder etc. etc." Asuma rolled his eyes "drop the sword and lie face down on the ground with your hands behind your head."

"Never! Do you not underst..."

"Indecent exposure......" started Asuma.

"That'll get dropped for lack of evidence" smirked Noa looking downwards.

"Assaulting police officers" continued Asuma glaring at his partner "stalking and don't even get me started on the charges we're going to hit you with for carrying that sword."

"Foolish minion of the law do you not......"

Whatever Kuno was going to say was lost as he suddenly spasmed from the jolt of electricity from the tazer fired by Officer Noa and fell to the ground.

Asuma raised his eyebrow at Noa "Was that necessary?"

"Felt good." Was the terse reply from Noa as she looked down at Kuno with disgust "Creep."

As the two officers bundled Kuno up and carted him off to their waiting police car Ranma-chan stood quietly weeping. Once the police car had travelled out of sight Ranma-chan stopped crying, wiped her eyes and started walking through the shocked crowd that parted to let her past.

As Ranma-chan strolled jauntily by Nabiki she dropped something in the garbage bin by the side of the path. Nabiki watched Ranma walking towards the school building and then walked over and peeked into the bin, in the bottom of the bin were Kuno's belt and boxers.

"Hey. Ranma" Nabiki called.

Ranma stopped and looked back at Nabiki, who was hurrying to catch up.

"A lesbian huh?"

"Well I am a guy, right?" explained Ranma.

"Yes." Nodded Nabiki.

"And when I'm a girl I'm still a guy inside, right?"

"Yes."

"Well when I'm a girl I still like girls. I'm a lesbian!" explained Ranma like it was the simplest thing in the world.

Nabiki looked down at the smaller girl and laughed "In that case I better not be seen talking to you, people will start making up stories about me."

Ranma's mind raced, there was he decided very quickly a response to this, a response that would be amusing. He had seen television shows! He had seen movies! What would the leading man of a movie do at this point in the movie?

'That is of course if the leading man became the leading lady when splashed with water' Ranma thought sourly.

Only seconds had passed when he arrived at what he thought was the appropriate response. Ranma grinned and winked at Nabiki then turned and walked away still smiling while he went searching for some hot water.

Nabiki just stood and watched Ranma walk away blushing furiously.

Akane had not moved from the spot she was standing when Ranma had uttered the 'L' word. She was, she decided, at least partially satisfied with the mornings exchange between Ranma and Kuno. Ranma had admitted he was a pervert, after all he had publicly declared he was a lesbian.

Somehow Akane had managed to rouse herself, with the help of friends, in time to walk to her homeroom before the first bell. The halls of Furinkan were eerily quiet. Everyone it seemed was still coming to grips with Ranma's latest salvo in his ongoing war with Kuno.

Furinkan High was unnaturally quiet. The quietest it had been in fact since a wandering Master of Martial Arts Feng Shui and his disciples had passed through Nerima and rearranged all of the classrooms, for three days classes were taught and lessons were learnt all in a quiet and oddly school-like manner. Of course Principal Kuno closed the school and workmen spent three days putting things back the way they were. But for a short time at least Furinkan High was a real school.

'Ranma' Akane thought angrily, grinding her teeth 'he really is a pervert. Yuka and Sayuri don't understand.'

Akane ran through her earlier conversation with her two friends as they tried to convince her that it was all just another scheme by Ranma to get Kuno out of his hair. As always Akane remained unconvinced and as she neared her homeroom her unease grew.

'I'm going to have to sit near Ranma' she worried 'who knows what perverted schemes he's now contemplating.'

The rest of the class was quiet as she walked through the door and made her way to her desk, doing her best to ignore Ranma.

Ranma had surprised Nabiki yet again.

As she looked around her homeroom, noting the absent seat left by Kuno she contemplated how this was going to affect the morning betting pools when Kuno got back, how Akane was going to react to Ranma's morning revelation and .........

Nabiki sighed.

'Things were so much simpler when Ranma never used his brain. On the other hand...' Nabiki thought smiling to herself as she remembered the Ranma's wink and smile.

If there was one person more uncomfortable then Akane at Furinkan High that morning it would have been Gosunkugi. If someone had been paying attention to him for the past week, which no-one ever did, they would have noticed his unusually high spirits.

This was due to the fact that one of his schemes had come to fruition, now while his original plan had not worked exactly as planned the results could not be argued with. Six days ago he acquired a lock of Akane's hair. There was no doubt in his mind that he had acquired the genuine article and in truth he was right.

Once he had acquired the lock of hair it was only a matter of waiting for the proper moment, that is the correct alignment of the moon and stars and Akane through the unfathomable mysteries of the voodoo arts would be his.

Using clay, a set of dolls clothes, chicken blood and the precious lock of Akane's hair Gosunkugi crafted a doll in Akane's image. Once constructed all that remained was to perform the proper ritual, chant the proper chant and make the proper gestures at the right time and she was his.

Gosunkugi left nothing to chance, he practised the ritual, the chant and the gestures, not at the same time of course but separately and until he could do them in his sleep.

Fortunately he did not have long to wait to perform the ritual for the proper alignment was last night. Midnight.

'It's always midnight!' he could remember grousing to himself 'why can't they have rituals for say six in the evening, just before dinner?'

Grousing aside, he did not falter in his preparations, he napped so he would be rested at the time of the ritual, he carefully scribed the proper symbols and set up the area for his ritual with care. Then at the exact moment he had calculated he started casting the spell, the spell that must be complete at exactly midnight, he had practised, he had timed himself practising, it was time for the ritual and it went perfectly.

Of course that just before it went all wrong.

One of the things that he had not taken into account was the time difference between Nerima and Jamaica. The ritual was supposed to be performed at midnight Jamaica time, a common mistake among amateurs, not midnight Nerima time. So while the ritual, chanting, symbols and all the paraphernalia associated were perfect the time difference spun out of control with as much certainty on the results coming out the right way as if he had spun a roulette wheel having bet everything on blue, he wasn't going to win and there was no telling on what the results would be.

The ritual complete Gosunkugi sighed gratefully, it had to his thinking at that moment gone off without a hitch, tomorrow at school Akane would be his. He glance down to where the eight inch tall replica of Akane breathed easily and then her eyes fluttered and looked around momentarily unable to focus.

'The doll shouldn't be breathing' he thought 'I am sure of that.'

He studied the small figure closely. What had been a close approximation of the features of Akane was now a perfect replica, exact in every detail, even the clothes (a Sailor Mercury outfit, one of Gosunkugi's recurring fanatasies) had been transformed into a Furinkan school uniform.

Nervously Gosunkugi stretched out his finger to poke the miniature Akane in the chest and softly brushed her cheek. The skin was real skin! He could feel her breath blowing lightly against his skin.

He looked even closer and he noting the way the hair of his miniature Akane mirrored the hair style of the original, the only difference was that his Akane was only eight inches tall, but still a perfect replica of Akane.

As he watched he could see his little Akane slowly come to full wakefulness and her eyes focussed on him.

"Aaaaaaarrrrrrrgh!" she screamed "Hentai!"

The next thing Gosunkugi knew she summoned a mallet many times her own size and proceeded to pound him into the floor.

The rest of the night was like the worst parts of bad slasher movie as the miniature Akane stalked him through the house. It was only with the rising of the sun that he some relief as the she told him the engagement was off and she stormed out of the house.

As he lay a twisted wreck upon the floor he hoped as she left that some stray cat might mistake her for a mouse and end her existence, though he doubted it.

She had attacked him again on the way to school, his only warning a scream of "HENTAI!" before she descended from a tree laying him low once again with her oversized mallet.

As Gosunkugi sat quietly in the back of the classroom, he twitched and started with every sound fearing another attack.

'The real Akane' he mused 'is nothing like this little monster.'

He sighed a deep sigh, his eyes for a moment stopped scanning the windows, the doors and the air-conditioning ducts as they lost focus as he descended into a daydream of the day Gosunkugi would be his.

A soft rattle and Gosunkugi woke from his reverie and dropped to the floor his arms instinctively covering his head.

"Um, Hey Gos?" one of his classmates asked "Can you pick up my pencil for me while you're down there?"

It was going to be a long day.

Some semblance of calm had returned to the Nekohanten after the breakfast crowd had died away.

Chaos had reigned at the Nekohanten and Cologne, Elder of the Chinese Amazons, has not coped with it at all well.

While Ranma it seemed to Cologne had self-control of legendary status being able to resist the temptations of the flesh as offered to him by various suitors, Shampoo, Cologne had discovered did not.

To put it bluntly Shampoo had no control whatsoever when it came to satisfying her carnal urges. Well, maybe one, all her carnal desires were focussed on her new airen, Ryouga, and if it wasn't for Ryouga's near super-human endurance Cologne suspected he would have collapsed and died from exhaustion days ago.

If Cologne did not keep a close eye on Shampoo she was forever dragging Ryouga off into a closet, bedroom, or anywhere that offered some privacy. Now Cologne could, would and did indeed find it very satisfying that at last her grand-daughter had found a husband to take back China. She was also disappointed that it wasn't Ranma. To be certain Ryouga was second on the list of the most powerful young martial artists in Nerima but he wasn't as near a close second as most people thought. Cologne suspected Ranma had as yet untapped reserves and had decided long ago that Ranma never went all out in any of his fights.

This was good. After all it wouldn't be a good thing for a mere male to achieve his full potential. No, that should be up to his children, preferably amazons and definitely daughters.

Ranma also didn't get lost.

Ryouga got lost between the kitchen and table three, a journey of ten feet.

Cologne had splashed Mousse with cold water early in the morning to spare the restaurant being turned into a war-zone and currently Mousse resided in a securely locked basket where he hissed angrily and tried to bite Ryouga every time he passed by.

Shampoo shamelessly flirted with Ryouga and goosed him every time Ryouga was within range. This in turn was flustering Ryouga even more making it ever more difficult for him to decide which way to turn and driving Mousse the duck into a berserk rage as he tried ever harder to get loose and attack Ryouga.

Now that the crowd had dwindled Cologne gave herself a few moments for quiet reflection.

'Stuff it' she thought 'I just go out back instead and have a nice quiet breakdown."

Hinako Ninomiya was the most feared and most popular teacher at Furinkan High.

At the moment she was curled up in Ranma's lap clutching an oversized lollipop. Ranma's lap she had decided, as an seven year old, was possibly the most comfortable place to be, as a twenty-four year old she had also decided that ranma's lap would be very comfortable, though for very different reasons.

Hinako-sensei had developed a crush on Ranma. Before his recent change in behaviour she had liked the pig-tailed martial artist, but the new Ranma who used his brain for something other than stopping his skull from imploding made her take a fresh look at him and she liked what she saw.

As an adult this wasn't a great concern, she kept her distance, after all he was a student and that sort of thing is not acceptable but, as a child she had no shame, hence her current location.

Akane kept stealing glances across at Ranma and Hinako-sensi. Knowing as she now did of the true depths of Ranma's perversion she feared for the safety of her teacher. Horrible visions of the depraved plans that could be forming in Ranma's mind kept running through her mind. With dizzying speed they flashed past her mind's eye, his teacher, his other fiances, her sisters, her....

And then Akane screamed.

Ms Oujima was the youngest school inspector in Japan. This owed as much to the fact that no-one else wanted to cover the Nerima district as her abilities and in fact nerima had not had a district inspector for five years.

An unfortunate encounter with a team of martial arts basketballers and a road paving machine had cut short the previous inspector's career. The education department had actually stopped advertising the vacancy a no-one could be found who would take the job on and it was only by sheer chance ms Oujima had discovered the vacant position.

Now as she stood before the gates of Furinkan High a place, which if her colleagues were to be believed, she was destined never to return from. In truth she had not planned to start her inspection tour of Nerima at Furinkan, but news of a disturbance that required the attendance of the police had forced her hand.

After a brief visit to the police station where she had spoken to the arresting officers, the psychiatrist and the student, in that order Ms Oujima did not consider that she could put the visit to Furinkan off.

The offer by the psychiatrist of counselling, which he sure she would need after her visit was greeted with arching of one perfect eyebrow.

Her eyebrow was not the only thing about ms Oujima that was perfect. Her dclothes, a conservative grey pinstripe skirt and jacket with pale green blouse was perfect.her shoes gleamed with a cleanliness, shine and condition generally unachievable outside of a fashion shoot. Ms Oujima herself was perfect, her skin was without blemish, her features symetrical and her grooming and deportment left no room for improvement.

While her workmates classified her as an aggressive go-getter, secretly they were intimidated by her looks, drive and intelligence. It was with a great sense of relief that her co-workers were able to see her off to start her new job.

The first thing that Ms Oujima noted about Furinkan was how ordinary it looked. OK, there were a few too many palm trees and there appeared to be impact craters from small meteorites dotting the school grounds and a profusion of scorch marks on the school walls. But after what she had been told to expect she was thinking something more along the lines of Dracula's castle or maybe Colditz.

But this was refreshingly ordinary compared to what her imagination had been conjuring up.

'Still' she thought as she made her way to the front doors of the school 'the stories had to start somewhere and it will pay to keep my eyes peeled.'

She was still a few yards short of the front doors when the silence was shattered by a blood-curdling scream that chilled her to the bone. The scream rolled around the empty school yard before dying, not a quick sudden death but as if choked out, as if someone had sucked the life out of the scream leaving a empty husk behind.

Suddenly Furinkan did not seem so ordinary and as one of her perfect hands reached out to push open the doors she could detect a slight tremor in her hands. She stopped, steadied herself and then reached out again, this time there was no tremor and with a perfect façade now hinding her racing heart ms Oujima stepped into the halls of Furinkan High.

After his confrontation with Kuno before school the rest of the day seemed anti-climatic to Ranma. Akane's scream did create a moment of excitement before Hinako-sensei drained Akane's ki and left Akane to slump bonelessly to the floor her scream momentarily taking on an eerie warbling note.

The side effect of Hinako-sensei draining Akane's ki was that Ranma was now nursing a suddenly adult and very feminine teacher. A very well developed adult female teacher as Ranma was discovering much to his discomfort as Hinako-sensei's rapid growth had thrust her cleavage into Ranma's face. This would have been the fulfillment of many of the male student's (and a few of the female students) dreams, however most students do not have numerous fiances all with large weapons, short tempers and the inclination to use both.

Not that Ranma wouldn't enjoy his current situation, it was just at moments like this he was usually about thirty seconds away from one of the neighbouring suburbs. So while his conscious mind was preparing to be mashed, spatula-ed and/or launched skywards, his unconscious mind was busy cataloguing the whole experience for later digestion and enjoyment by the rest of him.

Ms Hinako for her part was enjoying her sudden growth to adulthood and ranma's lap was every bit as comfortable as she had hoped, unfortunately she noted this was not the time or the place to be enjoying the comfort of a students lap, if there was such a time and place. Also knowing Ranma's fiances as she did if the current tableau was witnessed by his fiances this would cause more problems.

Reluctantly Ms Hinako stood and affectionately patted Ranma's cheek before walking to the front of the classroom.

The miniature Akane watched the bustling crowd pass her by from the safety of a high windowsill.

She was a little confused

Who was she?

What was her name?

What is she doing here?

And where the hell did that mallet come from?

OK, she knew that freak from last night was her fiance, was being the operative word.

'How could I become engaged to a pervert like that?' she wondered as she looked around at the crowds in the street.

'In fact this place is full of perverts!' she noted as some poor woman squealed as some pervert pinched her bottom.

"Pervert!" she growled.

'So, who am I? It's like I almost know, it's something like A..... Ak.....Aki.... no that's not right' she pondered over the name thing for a while 'Well the A seems right so I suppose A-chan will do for now.'

She was distracted by a minor disturbance in the street below.

"Another pervert!" she hissed "they're everywhere! Someone ought to do something."

A-chan thought back to the previous night where she had hunted down her perverted ex-fiance, recalling the satisfaction she felt when she visited the vengeance of the poor, the downtrodden and the poked, prodded and pinched upon the perverted carcass of Hentai-boy.

'That felt right, that felt good. It felt as if that was what I was created to do' A-chan smiled broadly at the road her thoughts were taking her down/

"Yes!" A-chan said aloud 'they must pay, all the perverts must pay. Perverts everywhere tremble, your nemesis has arrived – A-chan the Pervert Pounder!"

A-chan summoned her mallet and struck a heroic pose with the mallet raised above her head. Unfortunately without her battle aura to boost her strength her mallet over-balanced her and she fell towards the garbage bin situated below her perch.

She only had time for a quick "Oh crap!" before the garbage bin claimed her.

Ms Oujima's head was spinning.

She could not believe the chaos that infected this school. She looked at her list.

1.Security crabs.

23.Exploding pineapples.

38.Disciplinary haircuts.

45.Hawaiian themed swimming pool.

'OK maybe that ones not so bad.' she decided.

67.Hula dancing as a compulsory course.

Plans to change girls swimming costumes to bikinis with coconut shell tops.

'I can't believe this place. What is wrong with these people?'

She stopped as she reached the school yard which was currently filled with student enjoying their midday meal break. Ms Oujima walked over and stood next to a teacher who looked close to her own twenty-four years.

For a moment they both stood saying nothing. Ms Oujima looked out at the milling students trying to spot who or what the teacher was looking at.

It only took her a moment there bouncing, it was the only word she could use to describe it was one of, she assumed because the boy was not wearing a uniform, Furinkan's students.

She could easily understand why the teacher was watching him, he was amazing.

'Ok he isn't that handsome' she admitted to herself 'well, maybe he is, but it's a masculine handsome, not pretty boy handsome.'

"He's definitely has something" she said not realising she had spoken aloud.

"Yes" the teacher beside her sighed.

Ms Oujima looked more closely at the teacher, she thought she had met all the teachers but, this one she seemed to have missed.

"Eri Oujima" Ms Oujima said introducing herself.

"I know" replied the teacher "we met earlier."

Ms Oujima frowned, for a moment wrinkling her perfect brow "I don't recall..."

"Hinako Ninomiya"

"The little girl...:"

"That was me." Hinako smiled at Eri.

Eri Oujima looked at Hinako with a look of disbelief so profound that Hinako could not help but giggle.

"I have a condition."

"A condition?"

"Sometimes I'm an adult, sometimes I'm a child. It all depends on ki. I drain people's ki and I assume my adult form, I use it up and I go back to being a child."

Eri was becoming lost and decided to steer the conversation back to safer ground while she was still able.

"Um, the boy?"

"Ranma Saotome."

Eri looked back at the boy, no young man she decided, still bouncing around the school grounds.

"We didn't have anyone like him where I went to school." Eri almost sighed.

Hinako looked across at Ms Oujima "Another victim of the Saotome charm?" she smiled.

Eri smiled back "I guess so. Full of energy isn't he."

"Smart too" Hinako smiled with a faraway look in her eyes "I bet he's got enough energy to keep me up all night."

"Ms Ninomiya!" Eri gasped in mock shock.

Hinako looked and Eri and Eri looked back and the both of them giggled.

"Besides" Eri whispered conspiratorially "it's about whether he's got enough energy to be up all night."

Both of blushed red to the roots of their hair and near collapsed in laughter.

"Call me Eri" said Ms Oujima smiling broadly.

"Hinako"

Akane walked slowly home, today had been draining. She had done a lot of thinking today, little of it about school.

Yuka and Sayuri had worked on her each recess break trying to convince her that Ranma was no pervert. They had some good arguments and maybe they were right, maybe Ranma had just arrived at a bad time in her life.

'Like every day since momma died' she thought sadly.

Maybe if Furinakn was an ordinary school, maybe if Kuno and the hentai horde didn't attack her every morning.

'Kuno and the Furinkan hentai horde' Akane laughed softly to herself 'if you say it like that they sound like a rock group.'

Kuno, the horde, her father never getting over the loss of her mother, no-one getting over the loss of her mother it was all too much for her.

Then Ranma.

Larger than life Ranma.

'Good at martial arts, good at everything he put his mind to' Akane thought unhappily 'and the people that followed him here Ryouga, Shampoo, Mousse, Ukyou and all the others it's as if they came here to make me miserable.'

'As if they were out to get me personally and it's all Ranma's fault.'

'But maybe Ranma's not a pervert. Maybe it's not his fault!'

'Maybe I just need to really talk to him.'

Akane sighed 'Maybe. Maybe he's not so bad. Maybe I should give him a chance. It's just so hard momma should be here. She should be here to help me.'

'It's not fair.'

Akane stopped, suddenly depressed and saddened by the trail her thoughts had run, a low wall ran beside the road here and Akane sat down on top of it lost in her thoughts trying to decide what she should do.

"Pound 'em!" said a strangely familiar voice.

"What?" said Akane spinning around trying to find who spoke.

"Perverts, everywhere gotta pound 'em!"

Akane looked down, there on the wall about three feet from her sat a tiny figure. Akane looked closer, her eyes widened in surprise.

"You're me!" Akane whispered "You're me!"

Akane pinched herself disbelieving the evidence of her own eyes "You, you, you must be my conscience, like in that movie, with the nose. You're my conscience."

The small figure continued to mutter to itself, still not having noticed Akane.

"What should I do?" Akane asked.

The small figure looked up at Akane and did a modest double take on seeing her larger double seated beside her.

'Looks like me' the A-chan thought unimpressed and somewhat smugly 'Only bigger, much bigger. Living proof that bigger isn't always better.'

The A-chan continued to assess the bigger her and decided that this large her was obviously a tomboy, large thighs, big muscles, terrible hairdo, A-chan was seriously unimpressed.

"What should I do?" Akane repeated.

"Pound 'em" A-chan said with conviction "Perverts pound 'em. They're everywhere!"

"So you think it's a good idea?" said Akane surprised.

"Yeah" A-chan continued "Pound 'em, pound 'em flat. Perverts everywhere."

The small figure lapsed into an evil little laugh.

Akane stared, her conscience, her inner voice was telling her that pounding perverts was the right thing to do.

'Yuka and Sayuri were wrong. The movie was right, what did it say, be guided by your conscience, or something like that.' Akane thought, things were suddenly a lot clearer.

"So I should pound Ranma?"

"Pound 'em, pound' em all!" the little figure cried out as it hopped of the wall and disappeared into the bushes.

As she marched purposefully through the bushes the A-chan pondered on her larger copy 'Bigger body, smaller brain. Sad.'

The larger Akane could only stare in wonder at what she had seen.

Ranma by unhappy happenstance chose this moment to walk up to Akane as he wound his way home.

He had only time for a quick "Hey Akane! Whatcha doin'" before Akane launched him towards the horizon.

'What did I do now?' Ranma wondered as he headed towards the horizon and 'I think Akane may be developing a bit of a slice.'


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter Five 

'For a weekend and a non-school day today isn't starting out that well.' Ranma thought.

Ranma watched the cityscape pass beneath him as he flew, another clear and beautiful day. Nerima passed beneath him and soon he found himself flying over neighbouring Juuban. Having already reached the apex of his flight Ranma now started to look at his likely landing spot and started as usual to align himself using minor bursts of ki.

It was as he neared his landing point that he noticed a battle in progress and watched amused as he continued to drop to the battle being waged between a monster of some kind and a group of girls dressed in sailor uniforms.

The girls were throwing around some reasonably powerful attacks he noted, but unfortunately for them the monster seemed to be able to dodge all of the attacks with ease. He supposed he could assist the girls, but it would be rude to just jump in without asking and besides today had been a pretty good day.

Kuno still wasn't back after four days away, he had managed to arrange some quality time with Nabiki in the guise of requiring assistance with homework and Akane was off to some appointment or other and would be gone all day

'OK' he thought 'Akane did just drive me out of sight but apart from that.'

Ranma set down lightly in the middle of the battle between the monster and the girls. He grinned sheepishly at the stunned combatants.

"Sorry about this."

The monster, a youma loomed over Ranma and gave a deep throated growl. Ranma looked up and arched an eyebrow at the menacing creature. Nonchalantly he raised his hand up in front of the youma's face and summoned a small ball of ki that floated lazily in his cupped hand.

"Now" said Ranma "I am having a very good day and I hope you aren't going to do anything to spoil it."

This reaction wasn't quite what the youma was expecting, usually growl No.14 (Patent Pending) was enough to instill fear and the need for a change of underwear in mortals, but this floating ball of ki and the casual demeanour of this young man was upsetting to say the least.

"Maybe" Ranma continued "things are done differently in Juuban, but in Nerima....."

At the word Nerima the youma froze.

The youma all spoke of Nerima in hushed tones, if you go there it was said you never came back. Full of crazy and powerful martial artists who actually argued over who got to fight any youma foolish enough to venture there. His cousin Bob stumbled into Yerima once and was folded up like a paper crane by a practitioner of martial arts origami and hung in a tree as a good luck charm where he languished for eight years. The last thing this youma wanted was to upset a martial artist from Nerima.

The youma looked on in fear as Ranma continued his lecture on the protocol for dealing with who got to fight which youma in Nerima as the girls looked watched in amazement.

"So" Ranma concluded "are you going to spoil my day?"

The youma shook his head emphatically "No!"

"OK then" Ranma smiled at the youma, the girls and started roof hopping back to Nerima.

"Wow" said the girl with short blue hair drooling slightly as she gazing at the rapidly disappearing Ranma.

"What a hunk!" breathed the blond haired girl.

"Mmmmmm" agreed the other girls.

"Scary" said the youma.

A moment later the youma was sorry he spoke as the sound of his voice broke the girls from their reverie and they turned their attention back to him, reducing him to a pile of unappetising looking sludge with a combined attack before he could react.

The last conscious thought from the youma before thought became no longer possible was 'some days it just doesn't pay to climb out of the pits of hell.'

The girls stood for a moment trying to etch into their memories the vision of the flying Nerima native who had flown into their midst. One of them pulled out a small computer and proceeded to check if the computer had managed to capture any images of their visitor that she would maybe be able to print out for her scrapbook.

"Well..." one of them finally spoke "I suppose we can't waste all of Saturday just standing here.."

"SATURDAY!" yelled a girl with long yellow hair looking up in surprise.

"Catch you later" she called over here shoulder as she ran off "I'm late, I'm late."

The streets of Nerima are designed like the streets of no other city in the world. Some cities are designed on strict geometric principles, others follow the contours of the local geography and others just grow like mould on leftovers. More magically inclined cities often follow ley lines and other lines of magical power or are aligned to display certain astronomical and astrological events, usually foretelling dire events for anyone in the vicinity.

But not Nerima, Nerima is unique.

The streets of Nerima are designed to funnel rampaging martial artists towards parks, open areas and even neighbouring towns.

Neighbouring areas of course design their streets to funnel those same martial artists straight back where they came from.

The original concept for the streets of Nerima came from the late Neolithic era, when martial artistry was in it's infancy. At that point in history martial art usually consisted of a lot of yelling and waving large wooden clubs.

It should also be noted that martial and marital arts were also a lot closer related at this point in time than ever before or since. The yelling, clubbing and then dragging a prospective mate back to ones hut where she proceeded to make the rest of the martial artist's life hell continues to this day, clubbing (night clubbing in the modern era), yelling and years of torture remain almost constant.

Some neolithic locals, specifically those not martial artists found all the yelling, clubbing and dragging not conducive to a quiet late stone age life. So they enlisted the help of a shaman to find a way to quietly move all the martial artists out of the area or at least to the outskirts of the village.

So when someone leapt in the air yelling 'Neolithic Big Wooden Club Strike' in preparation of knocking someone senseless they did it out of earshot of all but the soon to be senseless.

How a neolithic martial artist came up with an attack called 'Neolithic Big Wooden Club Strike' remains a mystery to all but a bespectacled archeologist who fell through a time hole while cleaning a hot spring out the back of the inn where he lived with his wife and several of their mutual friends. Including the one who created the time hole. How he returned from the late Neolithic and why the machine that returned him needed to be powered by turtles remains a mystery to even him.

The whole street design had grown and matured over the years and still remained effective in channelling martial artists towards open parklands, sportsgrounds and schoolyards, it was especially effective against neolithic martial artists, which explains why they are rarely seen on the streets of Nerima.

Martial artists other than Neolithic ones often find themselves in parks without knowing why.

Just occassionally a Neolithic martial artist will manage to escape the parks and gardens of Nerima to wander the main thoroughfares before disappearing back into the denser thickets of trees and bushes of Nerima's parklands. One such sat in the gutter outside of an icecream shop several blocks from the largest park in Nerima nursing a broken club and a sore head.

It is said that Neolithic martial arts takes a particular mindset, prodigious strength, an inability to maintain rational thought. Thinking was actually an obstacle to the mastery of Neolithic martial arts.

So as he sat in the gutter watching the petite redhead with the well developed chest stride away he would have wondered something, if he was in fact capable of wondering anything.

"Neolithic big wooden club strike" Ranma growled to himself or herself as he or she actually was at the moment "what kind of attack is that?"

'Today is going really well' thought Ranma 'minimal fiance activity, ice-cream, no Ryouga, Kuno still being held by the police for psychological testing and up until scamming some ice cream I've been male all day. OK Nabiki did give me that dinner invitation from Kodachi and not only no but hell no.

"I'd rather play Martial Arts Strip Poker against Happousai and Cologne" Ranma vowed. He stopped, shuddered, terrible visions flashed through his mind "Even if I won I'd still lose" he decided.

Ranma stopped as he reached the edge of the park.

"Why is it that whenever I go for a walk I end up in a park."

The past week had been painful for Mousse.

He had finally lost Shampoo. Not to the devil made flesh Saotome, but to the fiend in human form, the pig that walks like a man Ryouga Hibiki. As painful as it was to admit Shampoo had never really been his, in his dreams she was always his and he always felt that his dreams would one day come true.

But no more.

The past week of Shampoo fawning over Ryouga, Ryouga staying at the Nekohanten, Ryouga being dragged forcibly into Shampoo's room at night. It was too much his dreams had died and now he was empty.

"Hey Mousse!"

Mousse looked up and found Ranma's girl form standing before him holding two foam cups filled with steaming hot tea.

"Saotome" Mousse replied lifelessly.

Ranma passed one cup of tea to Mousse and then dipped two fingers into his own cup triggering the change back to his male form.

"What's up Mousse?"

Mousse sighed deeply "Shampoo, it's over."

"Ah" Ranma nodded sagely.

"It was bad enough when she was chasing you" Mousse stared at Ranma balefully.

"But she caught Ryouga."

"Yes" Mousse's shoulders slumped lifelessly and he seemed to shrink in upon himself "two or three times a night."

Tea exploded from Ranma's nostrils and Mousse thumped Ranma's back until the worst of the coughing had subsided.

"Of course most of the time he just passes out" Mousse laughed sadly "once an ambulance had to rush him to hospital."

"Hospital?" Ranma swallowed, Ranma was remarkably naïve about a great many things and compounding this problem had slept through most of the courses where the mysteries of human reproduction were expounded upon. Subsequently most of his knowledge was derived from schoolyard talk and a couple of scrolls of ancient martial arts/martial arts techniques, which he had mastered as much as he could without actually practicing with a partner. All this had left him scared, confused and with the impression that human reproduction involved some heavy duty combat between participants and at least nine months recovery for the loser.

Horrible visions of arcane, esoteric, nor to mention lewd and lascivious amazon ceremonies flashed through Ranma's mind.

Mousse watched amused as Ranma's thoughts were played out across his face, horror, wonder and complete confusion battled for control before a scared lost look settled on Ranma's face.

"Blood loss from excessive nosebleeds, one of the major killers of amazon husbands" Mousse deadpanned.

Ranma recovered his composure and grinned at Mousse "Now I know you're kidding."

"Yeah" Mousse smiled back "except for the blood loss and the hospital."

Ranma watched Mousse as he settled back into the depressed state he found him in.

"So what do you do now?" Ranma asked trying to keep the conversation alive.

Mousse looked up at Ranma "I don't know. Every plan, every dream I had was about Shampoo. Now I have nothing."

"You've got your health." Ranma offered.

Mousse sneezed violently.

"Or maybe not" Ranma looked at Mousse "come on Mousse you're one of the top martial artists in Nerima, your not stupid. A little obssessed maybe, but not stupid. There's lots you could do."

Mousse was silent and stared blankly at his shoes.

Ranma tried another tack "You're a good looking guy Mousse lotsa girls'd go out with ya."

"Would you?"

"I ain't a girl" Ranma spluttered indignantly.

"Half the time" Mousse countered.

"And I ain't going out with ya."

Mousse laughed at the look of offended dignity Ranma was wearing and after a moment Ranma joined in.

"You know Mousse" Ranma said still laughing "maybe you should go to school."

"School?"

"Big building, boring teachers, you're supposed to learn stuff."

"School?"

"Lotsa girls" offered Ranma "none of 'em Shampoo."

"I should move out of the Nekohanten" Mousse decided.

"Good idea."

"There's other restaurants."

"Loads of 'em."

"School?" Mousse stood and started to walk back towards the streets of Nerima "Ranma?"

"Yeah?"

"When you go walking, do you always end up in a park?"

It was a tired and dirty Akane Tendo that trudged wearily down the twisting streets of Nerima. Her clothes were torn, her face smudged with soot and her once neatly combed and brushed hair was twisted, tufted and tangled into an unholy mess.

Akane reached up and pulled a duck feather from her hair and then dove her hand inside her blouse to remove another feather.

"How" she mused "I avoided being crushed by that car I will never know."

The car in question was a late model Mazda, a bubble car, a tiny bright red vehicle made only just large enough for people of modest size. Unfortunately in this instance the owner of the car was anything but modest.

Generous would be at term that would best describe Miss Nakajima if one was being polite. She always insisted on Miss when being introduced so that there could be no misunderstanding about whether she was available to any man who was looking for a wife. Sprawling was often used to describe Miss Nakajima, large if one had a talent for understatement.

There was a lot of Miss Nakajima and what there was she was determined to share. She billowed over the top of the bicycle shorts she habitually wore, waves of her crashed against the sports bra tops and halter tops she wore. To see her walk was to see a sea of flesh raging against the feeble man-made constraints that kept her constrained.

Likewise her voice boomed, it roared her displeasure, it boomed when exulting her approval and it broke like a physical manifestation over people pushing them away. Her whispers could and often did drown out the sounds of passing trains.

Like a lot of the native Neriman population Miss Nakajima was a martial artist. It was this skill that allowed her to drive. Unable to reach or manipulate the steering wheel and gear lever from where she was forced to sit in the back seat, the front seat having been removed, she used her prodigious martial arts skills to drive by operating the controls with the near perfect control she had over her skin.

All of this training and skill were all to no avail as she was side-swiped by a large truck launching her tiny car skywards and then through the third floor window of Nerima Tech.

If this accident had happened anywhere but Nerima the vehicle would have been reduced to it's component parts, but this being Nerima and Miss Nakajima being the size she was the little car landed safely and without additional incident or injury with a, for once speechless, Miss Nakajima still safely ensconced in the rear seat.

The truck was not so lucky, nor was the driver.

Yoshino-sensei as he was known to the other drivers at the Kouji Trucking Co. was the oldest, most senior and most respected driver at the company. For forty years he had driven trucks, big truck, little trucks, trucks hauling fuel, livestock, electronics, produce he had carted it all.

Today he was carting ducks, live duckst, over two thousand of them.

Five minutes ago Yoshino-sensei's major concern was whether he would ever find a way out of Nerima. For some reason he kept driving past the same park and if his sense of direction wasn't failing him he was due to pass it again in a matter of moments.

For a practitioner of Martial Arts Truck Driving with forty years experience it was becoming quite frustrating.

He had even blown his horn five times, something he had always prided himself on not doing.

His nerves were shot, his temper short and when his shipment detonated with a quack that could be heard over eight miles away he lost control.

He gunned the engine, he swerved, he hit an unexpected patch of oil he was suddenly sideways. He watched in horror as his trailer swung around launching a small red car skywards as he started heading sidewards down the road.

In the end it took another truck to stop him. Stalled across a busy intersection Yoshino-sensei could only watch in horror as the other truck loomed closer. When the drivers side of Yoshino-sensei's truck struck the drivers side of the stalled truck it catapulted Yoshino-sensei through the open window and down the street.

Easily clearing the empty tray of the stalled truck he watched the city street pass beneath him and it seemed somehow fitting to him that his last vision would be of a bitumen road as he had passed over so many roads in his life. It was if it was his life he was flying over.

His peaceful ruminations on his life were interrupted as he looked up to see a plate glass window before him. He had only time to read the business name 'Shurikens, Caltrops, Shaken and Other Pointy Ninja Supplies' before he passed gratefully into unconsciousness.

Brunhilde was very proud of her voice. It had a clear, fresh tone a certain something, a wonderful vibrato as she held those long notes. Something she felt that raised her above the flock and would allow her to achieve super-stardom.

Brunhilde had a dream.

Opera.

Wagner to be exact.

To be a valkyrie, the lead of course, performing on stage in front of the nobility of Europe, a dream so beautiful the very thought of it could move her to tears.

She did however have a couple of major obstacles in her way.

One. She was a duck.

Two. No matter how good her voice, the only thing she could actually sing was quack.

'Nothing insurmountable' she often thought ' many singers go through their entire career without making a single identifiable sound and if they can do it so can I.'

Brunhilde was not alone either, Carmen, Figaro, and all her other siblings shared the same dream. They exercised their voices daily, improving the volume and timbre of their voices. In all better than 95 of the ducks loaded on Yoshino-sensei's truck shared dreams of performing opera.

So it was that when Mr Tanaka, the welding instructor from Nerima Tech shot through the side of Yoshino-sensei's truck like a fiery comet the resulting quack broke windows for 200 yards in all directions.

Teaching students the finer points of welding for his entire working life was not how Mr Tanaka envisaged his life turning out. Occasionally he would admit that a rare student made it all worthwhile. But mostly he was reduced to training brain-dead drones enough so they could venture out into the world and weld until they either dropped or retired.

The art of Martial Arts Welding would he feared die with him. He tried, oh how he tried to instill into his students the love of the art he had. But sadly they were more focussed on earning enough money to take their girl out on Saturday night.

Today was Saturday. So today more than ever his students shuffled listlessly around the classroom, the only real animation was when one of the students expounded upon his plans for his date that night.

Those that had been out Friday night shuffled with heads hung low, victims of hangovers made worse by the heat generated by the welding process and the noise some students decided was necessary to convince their instructor they were working hard.

The malaise that has settled over the classroom had also begun to infect Mr Tanaka. He should have noticed earlier, but of course he hadn't, a student had extinguished his welding torch but the gas had somehow remained on, leaking gas into the classroom.

Later he thought that if it happened again he probably would have done the same thing. He called out and had everyone turn off the tools they were using, extinguish their torches and turn off the gas. He had everyone file out of the room as he stopped to open the windows and let the tainted air clear.

There wasn't much gas to be sure but better safe than sorry.

There wasn't much gas, but enough.

Because lurking under one students desk was a far more insidious threat, lurking not four feet from where Mr Tanaka was opening the window. Gas filled balloons.

One student had a bright idea. They were having a party, wouldn't it be fun to fill balloons with gas, tie strings to them and then light them up causing a brilliant flash of light.

It was sure to scare his girlfriend, she would scream and hold him tight and who knows what he might get to squeeze when he held her!

But Mr Tanaka was oblivious to this threat.

So when the girl with her long yellow hair ablaze ran past his classroom, the leaked gas was just enough to ignite the gas filled balloons.

Firing him like a cannonball through the window

Usagi was not a good cook, her friends teased her mercilessly about it.

So she decided that was just one thing to do. Take lessons.

Not in Juuban though. Someone might spot her. So she came to neighbouring Nerima. Nerima Tech offered weekend courses in many subjects, cooking was one of them. There was Cooking for Beginners, Intermediate Cooking, Advanced Chefcraft, Preparing Traditional Dishes and Martial Arts Cooking (whatever that was).

Cooking for Beginners was the course she chose. The instructor was pleasant, the kitchen/classroom was the most amazing kitchen she had ever seen and her cooking partner was lovely.

Her name was Akane.

Akane looked just like her friend Ami. Akane was bright cheerful and had serious issues with someone called Ranma, though whether Ranma was male or female was still unclear.

Best of all Akane's cooking was at a similar level to Usagi's so they hit it off straight away.

The early session went well. Usagi was especially pleased with the amount of cooking theory that Akane had stored away.

'It must be the hair colour' she thought 'soaks the information in. Just my luck my hair colour probably scares off any useful knowledge before I even get a chance to think about it.'

The second session was doomed from the start.

Theoretically speaking poaching an egg is a simple task.

It does not involve however a 44 gallon drum of engine oil, brandy, batter (strangely green in an almost radioactive manner) and bleach. This did not deter Akane and Usagi however. With a will and purpose normally reserved for the religiously fanatical or fanatically religious they went to work.

The first thing that went right or wrong from Akane and Usagi's point of view was they lost the oil. The teacher would have stopped them before they even started, as they assembled their ingredients in fact. But she was stunned. The simple process of poaching an egg was being transformed before her eyes into an exercise in chaos. Later the teacher was heard to remark that 'it was like a train wreck, you see the trains rushing at each other, but all you can do is watch.'

Akane and Usagi, both obviously much stronger than they looked somehow managed to lift the drum of oil onto the bench nearest to the window, it was at this point that the banana skin which Usagi had carelessly tossed aside earlier in the day came into play. Akane slipped which in turn tumbled the drum of oil out the window where in broke open on contact with the ground leaving the oil to run down onto the roadway.

Still skating on the banana peel Akane rocketed through the classroom scattering classmates as she went as Usagi watched helplessly her new friend rounded the far end of the room and started back towards her flailing her arms hopelessly trying to steady her healong flight.

Seeing Akane heading back towards her and possibly even more importantly their cooking ingredients Usagi acted quickly. She leapt for the counter and the eggs and brandy, however she miscalculated and instead of gracefully snaring the ingredients and pirrouetting out of the road Usagi knocked the eggs into Akane's path smashing them and greasing the floor allowing her speed to increase even further.

The brandy was knocked back into the gas flames roaring beneath the happily glowing pan on Akane and Usagi's stove, breaking the bottle causing a bright blue flame to streak up towards the ceiling and igniting the ends of Usagi's long hair.

It took Usagi only a moments consideration to decide what to do.

She fled screaming out the doorway and down the hall.

Akane gasped, she drew large breaths of air deep into her lungs as she tried to steady herself after her impromptu circuit of the classroom. Everywhere she looked there was chaos, the teacher was pale and shaking, some students were standing, some lying and one girl while leaping out of Akane's way had managed to jam her posterior in the kitchen sink in the middle of the bench she at which she had been cooking.

As Akane stepped forward to help she heard a loud explosion from down the hall followed by a deafening explosion that shattered all of the windows which sounded suspiciously like a quack. She did not have long to ponder this however as a small red car filled by an impossibly large woman flew through the window and landed where she had just been standing.

Even as her mind was beginning to adjust to this latest event she was once against bombarded by things and events beyond her control as the largest mass attack by ducks ever recorded was carried out by two thousand ducks quacking Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries.

It is said 'comes the moment, comes the man' or in this case the woman.

Unfortunately Akane's moment had come and she was passed out on the floor.

Fresh from his defeat at the hands of the red-headed big chested girl the Neolithic Martial Artist known as Krug wandered despondently back to the park. He would have rued the day he ever wandered out of the park, but the tales he would tell about the red-headed big chested girl he felt would make up for any discomfort he felt now.

It was then he spotted her, not as big chested as the red-headed big chested girl but very satisfactory.

Krug had found his mate.

Akane heard someone yell "Neolithic Big Wooden Club Strike!" and then darkness claimed her again.

It was late when Akane arrived back at the Tendo dojo. Only her father was still awake, waiting patiently for his friend Mr Saotome to return after he had disappeared that night a week ago.

Soun Tendo glanced at the bent and twisted golf club in his daughters hand and his eyebrows raised in an unspoken question.

"Don't ask" Akane hissed viciously "don't ask."

Soun displaying uncharacteristic wisdom remained silent.

He and his daughter remained staring at each other for a moment.

Akane started punching out the unasked for responses "Big pervert."

Soun's eyebrows raised further.

"Hit me."

His eyes widened.

"Knocked me out."

Soun's eyes narrowed.

"Drug me off."

Soun's face grew pale and a worried look passed across his face.

"Woke up." Flames crackled in Akanes eyes as she gave a low and nasty chuckle as she smacked her damaged golf club into the palm of her hand.

"Park, near Nerima Tech. Chased pervert and his friends around for hours" Akane chuckled evilly again she spun the golf club around until the '8' on the club head faced her father. "Akane Tendo 8 Iron Strike."

'Ah yes' Soun thought as he watched his youngest daughter trudge wearily up the steps to her room chuckling to herself 'I know that park well, whenever I go for a walk I always seem to end up there.'


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter Six 

Genma had languished in the zoo now for three weeks. Three weeks it had taken him to memorise the guards routine. Three weeks of planning. Three weeks of kicking back and enjoying the good food, good companionship and the heated enclosure.

Now however the time had come to escape.

Not all of the pandas wanted to escape.

Some of those that wanted to escape didn't believe they could make it back to China or in Genma's case Japan. Others believed it was too much like hard work and besides this was the good life.

Genma wouldn't be deterred however. He was escaping.

Surprisingly Frank was escaping with him. Life in the zoo didn't agree with Frank, the call of the wild had him and wouldn't let loose.

There were some good times at the zoo and Genma had learn some valuable lessons. Panda Fu for one, though basically this was just lying around looking cute, harmless and innocent and then beating the opponent up when they looked the other way, but it was effective nonetheless.

One of the other things he learnt at the zoo was a deep appreciation of football.

There wasn't much to do in the zoo and the pandas generally spent most of their time blissed out on bamboo shoots or sleeping. Now while bamboo shoots were often thought to be all that was required to satisfy any panda in reality it's not nearly enough, especially in a zoo. Hence football.

Fortunately in the group of pandas at the zoo there were a couple of bilingual pandas English/Chinese and Chinese/Japanese. This enabled the pandas to share the football stories in the newspaper. To add extra interest into following the league they needed a team to support and if pandas are to support a team it was decided that it's colours must be black and white.

Therefore when Frank and Genma arrived at the zoo they were surrounded by rabid Newcastle United fans and both Frank and Genma were both soon converted.

This only made the need for escape more urgent.

Newcastle was playing Liverpool on Saturday and it was an important match. If escape was going to happen it had to happen before Friday to allow for travel time to the match.

When the news spread among the other pandas that the match was in the itinerary of the escape route it was decided that all pandas must be included in the escape, even if some of them would return after the game.

But the problem remained, how to get out.

Genma had a misspent youth, his adult life had been well misspent as well, but in his youth he had strayed even further from the path of righteousness. He tried to reform, but unfortunately the habits of his youth were hard to overthrow and often despite his best intentions he had backslid into his old ways.

'Perhaps' he reasoned to himself on the odd night when he lay awake thinking 'that is why I'm so hard on Ranma, I don't want him turning out to be me. Of course I don't set a good example, but at least I can show him what not to be!'

Genma usually stopped thinking at this point before thinking became a dangerous hobby rather than just an occasional disturbance in an otherwise blissfully ignorant life.

The upshot of Genma's misspent youth was that he had gained many skill's which are generally frowned upon, for example pickpocketing.

Pickpocketing was to be the first step in the great panda escape. All Genma had to do was to lounge casually against the front gate until the senior guard walked past and then lift the keys from his pocket. In his human form this would be inordinately easy, of course the opposite was true in panda form.

Fortunately, though he hadn't practised this particular art in many years, other training which he had undertaken had had the effect of maintaining, if not improving his skills. Rush training to improve the dexterity of his stubby panda digits was called for and in this his fellow pandas were more than willing to assist. What he found brought tears to his eyes.

'If only' he wept silently 'if only I had known how pandas could be trained as pickpockets. I could have had a legion of trained pickpocketing pandas purloining people's possessions. No pocket in the world would be safe and combined with panda-fu who would believe we were guilty?'

Genma grumbled for a few days on the unfairness of the world and wasted years of his life training his son when he could have been training pandas until Frank reminded him that all pandas really wanted was some fresh bamboo shoots and a good lie down. Genma grumbled some more about the unfairness of it all and quietly lifted the keys from the keepers pocket while no one was looking.

The plan was simple. Wait for the guards to pass on their rounds. Open the doors to the enclosures. Then carefully using only the darkest paths sneak to the side wall of the zoo. There the pandas other than Genma and Frank would, using skills they had gained while working with a chinese circus troupe, with a flourish of style grace and acrobatic skill generally unknown among pandas flip, bounce and vault over the wall and to freedom. From there Group Ling, named after the great panda philosopher, would using funds lifted from guards and visitors to the zoo take public transport to St James' Park for the big game. The English writing panda among them had even crafted cunning signs to wear around their necks saying 'Not really pandas, going to a fancy dress ball. Trust us.'

Genma and Frank had other ideas. While Genma could easily have vaulted the fence with the most acrobatic of the pandas it all seemed like too much work and Frank couldn't clear the fence like his more acrobatic friends so Genma decided another option was needed for Frank and himself.

There was one guard, Rimmer by name, at the zoo that the pandas all despised. He teased them, he made jokes about them and he even considered them dumb animals. Pandas may be fat (pleasantly plump they insist), lazy (work intolerant) but dumb they are not. Dumb as in unable to speak yes, but as in intelligence they felt they were at least superior to zoo guards. After all, who's sitting back in a heated enclosure dining on the exotic delicacies of the east reading the paper and who's doing the feeding and fetching eh?

This guard was therefore elected by the pandas and Genma in particular to be the provider of transport for Genma and Frank, all they needed were his car keys.

Panda philosophy consists of three major thoughts where is my next meal, when is my next meal and is it time for a nap yet? While this leads to a simple and peaceful life it doesn't do much for the continuation of the species. Hence to panda eyes at least the unholy fascination humans had with breeding programmes. Which of course is why the great panda philosopher Ling rose to prominence, he introduced a fourth major tenet to panda philosophy – What again?

Ling also argued that human people spent way too much time worrying about the reproductive side of life and used the rise of the internet as proof of his argument. As yet no panda had come up with an argument to counter this point.

Not that any of them bothered to look real hard.

Thursday night the pandas gathered, while there was some consternation among the guards about the 'lost' keys, no additional security had been put in place. The pandas noted that there had been no change to the guards routine so at the appointed time the pandas moved.

From Basil and Sybil's (known as Fei and Yumi to the outside world) enclosure the zoo clock was clearly visible and as the eight o'clock guard passed by the pandas lurched into action. Genma quickly opened the enclosures and the two groups split up. Genma and Frank checked the enclosure gates and made certain they were all securely locked once again and then moved off to the staff lunch and locker rooms.

For what was supposedly a secure installation Genma found this too easy, as if there was some hidden trap just waiting to be sprung. Maps of the entire installation were dotted throughout the zoo and each enclosure, building and location was clearly labelled. There were even signs saying you are here showing exactly where you were!

Still Genma and Frank took no chances, they had dirtied the white markings in their fur before leaving the enclosure so they might better hide in the shadows and so they did. The two panda crept steathily through the zoo carefully skirted the better lit areas, avoiding the wider pathways and wound their way ever closer to their target.

Their stealthy journey was not without it's close moments. As they passed the lion's cage a guard had come upon them unexpectedly, it was only luck that they had spotted the guard first and managed to crouch behind a small shrub.

The guard stopped across the pathway from where the pandas were concealed, Genma and Frank held the breathe as the guard looked about as if he was searching for something when something behind the pandas coughed.

Neither Frank or Genma moved.

The guard attracted by the sound stared intently towards their hiding place before his radio crackled to life. The guard spoke into his radio for a moment before heading off towards the far-side of the zoo.

Genma and Frank heaved an audible sigh of relief and slowly turned around to where an embarrassed looking lion was smiling at them sheepishly and holding a small sign saying 'sorry.'

It was only a short trip from the lion's enclosure to the staff rooms and made even more nervous by the incident with the guard Genma and Frank jumped, hopped, crept and rolled from cover to cover until at last their objective was in sight.

From their latest hiding spot the two escapees could see into the staff rooms, three guards were currently drinking tea and enjoying a sandwich. As Frank and Genma watched a fourth guard joined them through a door which when it had opened revealed what they assumed must be the guards lockers. The two pandas shared a triumphant grin, now all they needed was to get past the guards.

Genma studied the building intently, he could just make out a skylight on the flat roof of the building, this he assumed would give them a perfect vantage point to scope out the locker room.

Gesturing to Frank, Genma crept as stealthily as his panda form would allow around the side of the building, it was here Genma spotted the next tool he would need to aid in their escape, a fire hose.

Frank and Genma carefully unreeled the hose, rolling it carefully, then Frank cut the hose off the reelting it of the reel with as they did so and then Genma sliced through the hose with his claws leaving a clean and perfect cut.

Frank grinned at Genma holding aloft a small sign 'They also dig up bamboo shoots!'

Genma only grinned back as he boosted Frank to the low roof of the building beforem with grace unbecoming of an overweight panda, but not an overweight martial artist he flipped himself up onto the roof beside Frank.

The roof was of solid concrete construction negating the need for Genma and Frank to creep as stealthily as they had when navigating through the zoo. However Genma had impressed upon Frank before the escape the need for them to remain alert and stealthy at all times and so as they approached the skylight the two pandas kept low and crept forward with barely a sound.

Still keeping low Genma and Frank peered cautiously through the skylight to the room below, it was empty. Unfortunately there was only one door, the one they had seen open before through to the meal room.

Frank looked disappointed as he could see the dream of an easy escape disappear.

Genma however was unperturbed.

With the casual flick of a claw he released the catch of the skylight and ever so slowly lifted the skylight up until he could lay half of the skylight back on it's hinges in the open position. Handing one end of the fire hose to Frank Genma tied the other end around himself and through a combination of signs and sign language communicated his intentions to Frank.

Moments later Frank found himself at the wrong end of a rope lowering a Genma spread-eagled like a skydiver through the open skylight. Slowly Genma was lowered into the locker room and with the benefit of a lifetimes worth of skill in aerial martial arts Genma managed to somehow keep his body roughly parallel to the floor.

When he was still about ten feet from the floor, the worst, or maybe the second worst thing possible happened. A guard walked into the room, Frank straddling the skylight quickly noted Genma's frantic hand-signals and stopped lowering his friend. The two pandas froze.

Genma held his breath as the guard passed beneath him still talking over his shoulder back through the open door behind him. The guard walked lazily towards his locker and rummaged through his belongings obviously searching for something. Genma's throat was dry and he had an almost irresistible urge to swallow, Frank could only stare in shock as the guard continued to search his locker.

After only a minute, though it had seemed like hours the guard found what he was obviously seeking and turned to leave the room, as he reached the centre of the room, almost directly below Genma he paused. Again words where exchanged with the guards in the other room.

Genma started to panic, this wasn't working, the guard just wasn't going to leave.

'If the door was closed' Genma thought 'I could knock this guard out, tie him up and hide him on the roof, but the door.'

Genma rapidly made up plans and discarded them just as quickly.

'If only the boy was here' Genma thought sadly 'he could be through the door and have those guards unconscious before they knew he was even here.'

Genma was just about to signal Frank to drop him and try his luck with taking out the guards when the guard again started for the door, only he didn't close it.

Genma stared 'Was this guard born in a tent? So close, they had come so close.'

Genma stared at the door willing it to close and finally lost patience with the door, which obviously lacked even the most rudimentary telepathic ability and threw a sign at it.

'Oh crap' thought Genma 'now I've gone and done it.'

The sign bounced lightly off the back of the door and dropped to the ground with barely a sound, the door miraculously swung shut.

Genma stared, unaware that staring at doors was showing signs of become a habit and listened to see if there was any reaction for the guards. There was none.

Genma, though he could not read English, had memorised the look of the name tag on Rimmer's uniform and slowly, by waving his arms and legs rotated himself until he found himself facing Rimmer's locker.

He gestured to Frank and again Frank started lowering Genma, until Genma getsured for him to stop. Ganma was now hovering parallel to floor at an elevation of about four feet. Genma swung himself gently until he could grasp the front of the locker and gingerly turned the handle.

Genma smiled to himself as well as being a mean spirited, authoritarian, 'what was the name the panda Dave used to describe Rimmer' Genma pondered 'ah yess, smeg-head' Rimmer was also a neatness freak. There on there own shelf not only were Rimmer's key but also an added bonus.

Genma quickly snatched his booty, closed the locker and gestured to frank to pull him back up.

Moments later the two pandas grinned triumphantly at each other as Genma held up Rimmer's car keys in one paw and Rimmer's wallet in the other.

'Now' thought Genma 'if only Frank would only stop humming the theme to Mission Impossible.'

Genma and Frank had no trouble locating, reaching or accessing the staff carpark. In fact it was all a bit of an anti-climax. Even better Rimmer's car had central locking with one of those little buttons which you push where the blinkers all flash and the doors unlock so the pandas had no trouble locating the car either.

A Mini Cooper S.

'You drive?' signed Genma.

'No.' replied Frank.

'No problem' Genma returned with a grin 'martial arts driving.'

Frank grinned back.

Genma smiled even wider as he signed 'I've also seen The Italian Job thirty-seven times.'

Genma climbed into the driver's seat and adjusted the seat while a slightly worried Frank slid into the passenger seat and started rummaging through the glove box.

As Genma started the Mini Frank handed Genma a pair of sunglasses and finding a second pair donned a pair himself, Genma tried the sunglasses on and checked his reflection in the mirror as Frank pulled a packet of cigarettes out of the glove box.

Frank offered a cigarette to Genma, which he gratefully accepted as Frank searched for and found a lighter and with which he lit both cigarettes.

Fastening his seat-belt Genma started the engine and revved it a few times to hear the sweet sound of the engine, he then flipped a sign up for Frank to read.

'It's five hours to St James' Park, we have a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses!'

Frank held up a sign that just said 'Hit it!'

Genma knocked the Mini into gear, revved the engine and popped the clutch. The small car flew backwards out of it's parking spot with a roar and cloud of burning rubber, fifty yards from where it had started the Mini performed a perfect 180 and disappeared into the night.

Genma had forgotten how much he enjoyed driving was and as he drove through city streets it was only the fact that he wanted to attend the football game in the morning that kept him within the legal speed limit.

It's a well known fact that pandas are not renowned for driving and besides that Genma was unlicensed, so they could not afford to be stopped, so Genma rigidly obeyed the rules of the road, trying to stay unnoticed by the police.

So it was unfortunate that as he pulled up at a set of traffic lights a police car should pull up beside them.

George Baxter and Edgar Caldicutt had been police officer for a combined total of sixty-two years. During that time they had seen many things and if the two of them were to be believed when speaking to younger officers just joining the force they had seen it all.

The Metropolitan Police Force was their life and no matter what part of their lives you examined you could see the influence of their police career. They didn't catch fish on their days off, they collared them. They never walked, they proceeded. They didn't weed their gardens, they rounded up the usual suspects.

When George and Edgar brought their police vehicle to a halt at traffic lights, just down the street from that really good Indian takeaway, George having a fondness for Indian food always described these particular traffic lights in this way, much to annoyance of Edgar.

Edgar, always the complete professional would have described the their experience at the traffic lights as follows;

'at approximately 0130 hours of the evening in question Sergeant George Baxter (Serial No. 54789) and myself Sergeant Edgar Caldicutt (Serial No. 89474) where proceeding in an east to west direction along the High Street in police vehicle No.N45E being driven by Sergeant George Baxter came to a halt at the set of traffic lights at the intersection of the aforementioned High Street and Grand Avenue. Upon stopping at the aforementioned traffic lights my attention was drawn to a late model Mini, colour dark green with white roof, being driven by a large panda with another panda in the passenger seat.

'I indicated to the panda driving the vehicle to pull over to side of the road ....'

Genma and Frank tried to remain calm as the policemen stared across at the two occupants of the Mini. But when the police officers started making gestures for them to pull over Genma decided there was no option but to run for it.

Genma checked the mirrors, put the Mini in reverse and sped backwards up the street they had just come down, Frank looked worriedly across at Genma who was wearing a look of concentration uncommon among pandas and almost unknown upon the face of Genma. The police car had completed it's u-turn at the traffic lights and was now speeding after them.

Genma had already proven his mastery of the 180 and again this skill did not fail him as he performed this maneuver and picked up speed now he was travelling forward once again. Genma knew it was only a matter of time before the police car chasing them managed to obtain some assistance, either other cars or worse a helicopter so he needed to lose his pursuer quickly.

'Oh yes' he thought as he spotted what he thought they needed.

Frank's eyes widened then almost popped as Genma slammed on the brakes, spun the Mini and headed for the sidewalk. Frank had only time for a quickly signed 'Eeeeep!' before the Mini was launched into the air after striking the gutter before the nose of the Mini led them down a set of stairs.

What followed was a blur for Frank as Genma skillfully maneuvered the Mini down the flight of stairs and down onto the railway platform, he never even had time to protest when Genma launched the Mini off the platform and onto the tracks, leaving stunned late night commuters in their path.

Free of pursuers and other road traffic Genma accelerated down the underground tunnel, the lights of the Mini lit up the round shape of the tunnel before them, featureless except for the occasional worklight and safety holes cut into the tunnel walls.

They passed through one of the underground stations of which all Frank saw was a sudden shocking burst of light, which due to the speed they were travelling lasted only a split second. As they re-entered the darkness of the tunnel Frank glanced nervously across at Genma.

Genma was wearing the widest grin Frank had ever seen on the face of a panda, it was so wide in fact that Frank was worried it must be painful. Genma must have noticed the weight of Frank's glance as he turned to look a Frank and gave him a thumbs up.

'I'm doomed' thought Frank 'I doing a thousand miles an hour down a train tunnel with a panda that thinks he's Michael Caine in the Italian Job.'

It should be noted that pandas who rarely travel above a slow walking pace have a tendency to exaggerate any speed over fifteen miles per hour.

It was at the next station that lost at least ten years off his life.

Ahead they could see the glow of an approaching station, while this was not a cause for concern, what was a concern was that they could also see a train approaching the station from the other direction.

Frank started to pray fervently that he would pass out, preferably sooner rather than later. For while this would probably be the most spectacular death every achieved by a panda or in this case pandas, Frank was certain he did not want to witness it.

Genma however showed no sign that he considered this either unexpected, unfortunate or unplanned. He sped up.

Frank rued the day he ever climbed into this car with an obviously suicidal panda.

The walls of the tunnel were rounded and Genma, still accelerating drove up the wall. This didn't appease Frank at all, as he knew the tunnel was not wide enough to allow train and car to safely pass. Genma did not stop in fact he continued until at the exact moment the tunnel opened out to the station platform Genma passed the apex of the ceiling of the tunnel and the little Mini dropped onto the platform.

The train driver who still hadn't come to terms with the sight of the Mini driving across the ceiling of the tunnel could only watch in amazement as the small car bounced once, then twice on the station platform before spinning end for end and coming to a stop at the farthest end of the platform.

Frank turned to Genma who was still grinning like a fool, an expression Frank had never really appreciated until this moment.

Genma waved a sign saying 'I think that's our exit' towards a set of stairs leading upwards.

Before Frank could reply the little Mini was off with a squeal of tyres

George and Edgar never described the drivers of the Mini in any official report, citing that the lighting at the intersection was insufficient for an accurate description to be given.

After all they weren't ready for a pension just yet.

At seven thirty the next morning Rimmer again wandered past the panda enclosure as he did on a regular basis each night, only now, for the first time since night fell he could see into the enclosure.

It was empty.

Almost empty. Just through the door was a neatly folded piece of paper. Cautiously Rimmer reached through the bars of the door and pulled out the paper. With trembling hands he unfolded the paper to read;

Dear Rimmer

Gone out, back Sunday.

Don't wait up.

the Pandas.

PS. Thanks for the loan of the car.

The football match was great success.

The game was a draw, but the excitement of actually being there to see a live game was enough for the pandas. With the Guard Rimmer's wallet and credit cards, Genma was also adept at forgery, the pandas were able to be fitted out in all the latest team kit. Genma in a bout of generosity, something he had always avoided, even purchased souvenirs for the boy.

After the game Genma, since Rimmer was paying, Genma gave the pandas returning to the zoo cab fare plus a little spending money. It was quiet and quite emotional send-off for the escaping pandas, for the past few weeks these pandas had been family and they all found that each was going to miss the other. In a strange way Genma felt he made a better panda than man and as he said goodbye to each of the pandas he felt an familiar emotion tugging at his heart.

'This' he realised 'is what it felt like when Ranma and I left Nodoka all those years ago. I'd forgotten.'

As Frank and Genma climbed into the Mini and waved goodbye to their friends Genma was overcome with a strange introspective mood that would stay with him for many days.

As Genma and Frank parked the little Mini for the last time on the docks prior to sneaking onboard a cargo ship Genma was again overcome with unfamiliar emotions. He would miss the little car, for a couple of days at least he had again enjoyed driving and as he stepped away he gave the Mini a fond pat on the bonnet.

Frank, who less reason to be fond of the Mini watched his friend as he made his farewell and then followed Genma down to the waiting ship.

The keepers at the zoo were surprised on late Sunday night when all but two of the escaped pandas showed up at the front gate of the zoo demanding to be let back in. Each panda was dressed in the black and white playing strip of their favourite team together with scarves, noise makers and beanies. Each of them were also more than a little drunk.

The other two pandas were never seen in England again.


	8. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

Kaoru Matsushima was a drama queen.

Not just any drama queen, she was a teenage Drama Queen Martial Artist or was that teenaged Martial Artist Drama Queen, she was never quite sure and this small matter could occupy many hours of high drama as she soliloquised about how this only added to the many difficulties, nay, dramas in her life.

That she attended school at Furinkan High for most teenagers would be drama enough, but as the representative of Nerima's only family of Martial Arts Drama Queens or Drama Queen Martial Artists this was but a small stage to build the dramas of her life upon.

Her parents didn't understand her, perhaps they did, for they to had been teenaged Martial Arts Drama Queens, but where is the drama in that, unless they used that knowledge against her to oppress her.

'Did she feel oppressed?'

Kaoru pondered a moment.

'Yes she did' she decided and filed that thought away for later so she could make a scene when arriving home.

Her homework had been mauled by the family hamster, her bento was never as fresh as it should have been and it was hard work making a drama out of everything.

But worst of all, the one she adored.

'No loved, loved with a passion as big as…' she paused in her thoughts 'as big as something really big and.…… is there a word bigger than loved. Worshipped maybe?'

'Yes worshipped! Worshipped from afar. For he never saw her never noticed her with sunlight gleaming of her silken hair, the sun streaming through the trees around the grounds of Furinkan High surrounding her in a delicate nimbus of light.

'Oh how she longed for him to see her there.'

Kaoru knew with certainty what a pretty picture she made there, she had tested the light, even trimmed some of the trees to provide just that little bit of extra contrast and in a dedication to her art that bordered on obsessive she had painted the wall behind where she habitually waited to reinforce the perfection of the scene.

She sighed heavily.

'Why does he not notice me, why does he waste his time with those hussies and why has he been absent since the start of Chapter Five?

'Oh noble Tatewaki-sempai' she cried silently to herself 'why can you not love me as I love you/'

She sniffled a little as the unfairness of life threatened once more to reduce her to emotional roadkill on the highway of life.

"Hayfever" guessed a passing student.

"Peasants!" Kaoru muttered nastily.

Mousse started school at Furinkan on Monday causing quite a stir as various parties expected violence to erupt between him and Ranma at any time.

Ranma and Mousse had seemed however to declare a truce and expected fight never started.

By the end of Monday Mousse was accepted as part of the student body and school life carried on as before

Except for one student.

Sayuri.

Sayuri was smitten. It wasn't that she had never seen Mousse before, she had. But never in school uniform, never as a real person. Before he was just another one of those people who showed up every few weeks to be beaten to a pulp by Ranma.

But on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday she gazed across the school grounds at Mousse with that vacant eyed and slightly glazed looked of those recently struck by cupid's arrow.

So it was on Friday that Sayuri, driven by the encouragement of her friends, excluding Akane who insisted that Mousse was a pervert who used his lack of vision to take advantage of sweet innocent girls, crossed over to where Mousse was sitting with Ranma discussing some esoteric martial arts manoeuvre with a great deal of animation.

In hindsight Sayuri would note that whatever it was that sprung half formed from her lips could only generously be termed an invitation to go out Saturday night as a confusing mish-mash of syllables punctuated by rapid arm movements.

Somehow the intent of what Sayuri was trying to convey was received by Mousse after some somewhat helpful comments from Ranma.

If Sayuri's invitation was near incomprehensible then Mousse's response was as close to non-verbal communication as the vocal chords can produce. It was only the violent nodding produced by Ranma holding the back of Mousse's head and nodding Mousse's head for him was the date accepted.

Accepting the date while it had not been the furthest thing from Mousse's mind was certainly not at the forefront. His mind at the moment he had realised what Sayuri was asking him was more awash with primal fear, confusion and an argument between his fight or flight response.

Instead with some unwanted assistance from Ranma Mousse found himself fully booked for Saturday night. Once again primal fear, confusion and an his fight or flight response rushed to the fore. Mousse's knowledge of the mating rituals of the Japanese teenager was of a depth and completeness that if asked to write all he knew he would have found that a postage stamp was all he would have needed, just one side, one of the very thin sides.

His knowledge of Chinese Amazon mating customs went no further than ' Me Jane, you Tarzan', Tarzan gets clubbed over his head and drug off. While this may be entirely satisfactory for Chinese Amazons Mousse was certain this was not how the whole thing worked in Japan.

He needed help. Who did he know who knew more about girls than anyone else he knew?

Ranma.

So it was that on Saturday night a double date was arranged.

Mousse and Sayuri.

Ranma and ?

When Soun found out that Ranma had been volunteered for a double date there was no doubt in his mind that only Akane would be or should be permitted to be Ranma's date for Saturday night. Unfortunately for Soun Tendo's plans Akane refused to cooperate.

Dark mutterings of perverts and being drug off into the bushes by perverts punctuated the unintelligible response to Soun's pleadings. So it was that Nabiki accompanied Ranma, solely for the purpose of making up the numbers.

This resulted in a period when the two couples met where an uncomfortable silence threatened to overwhelm proceedings. Nabiki's reputation as both the Ice Queen of Furinkan and mercenary seemingly destroying the mood of the evening. However, Ranma's casual acceptance of Nabiki and Nabiki's casual and uncharacteristic openness soon overcame Mousse's and Sayuri's misgivings and the four found themselves enjoying the evening more than any of them had anticipated.

When it came time for the two couples to part at the end of the evening all four found that somehow during the evening they had come to see the others as friends regardless of how they saw the others before the night commenced and wished the evening could last longer.

Ranma and Nabiki walked home in companionable silence, at some point one, neither could remember which had taken the others hand in theirs, so when Ranma suddenly stopped he pulled Nabiki to a halt as well.

"What's wrong" Nabiki asked.

Then turned to see what Ranma was looking at. Nabiki smiled wickedly causing Ranma to blush when he realised she had caught him looking at some bushes.

Ranma was still a little off balance when Nabiki still smiling pulled him off the pathway.

When Ranma later asked Mousse how he went walking Sayuri home Mousse had blushed furiously and told Ranma that "women don't use clubs in Japan" and then blushing even redder added "they don't need to."

Bright beams of sunlight crossed the silent room. The only movement was the flitting of dust motes fluttering softly to the floor and the only decoration was a portrait painted on black velvet.

In the middle of the room stood Nodoka Saotome and as was usual she was surrounded by an almost preternatural aura of peace and calm, in this instance it was slightly incongruous as she casually held a katana in her hand at a low guard position. To the casual observer it would have been impossible to determine if Nodoka was alive or merely a mannequin posed for a window display, her breathing was so shallow that the rising and falling of her chest could have been mistaken for the wind blowing across her clothing.

This was not to last, as without warning she exploded into a dazzling display of swordsmanship (or swordswomanship if you prefer) that would have stunned any there to see it.

Like lightning her katana flashed and snapped.

The virile scarlet tapeworm stroke, the divine whirling outboard propellor blow, the Honda whipper snipper mulching flurry, all these devastating strokes and more combined into a single kata. A style of swordsmanship that supposedly had died with it's last exponent, Miowara Tomokato the Samurai Cat.

After the destruction of Nagashino Castle and the slaughter of Lord Nobunaga Miowara Tomokato had scoured the world and beyond to avenge his lord's death, when his vengeance was complete the remnants of Nobunaga's clan had given shelter to the greatest of the samurai. This was Nodoka's clan and the Samurai Cat had trained the children of the clan since that time. Exactly how he kept popping up, sometimes older, sometimes younger no-one knew, only that the clan owed Tomokato a debt they could never repay.

Nodoka, his latest student continued her kata, her blade moving too fast for the eye to see.

Nodoka was lonely, her son, her husband they had been away too long, it was time for them to come home, she had been alone long enough.

The dance continued.

'Besides' she thought 'it may make it easier to solve Ranma's fiance problems if there is a little distance between the parties.'

Then she was still, it took a moment, no longer, for her kimono to once again settle softly about her and the silence and the mannequin had returned.

A single fly buzzed lazily though the air.

A snap, a blade travelling fast enough to create it's own miniature sonic boom.

Silence.

Akane was worried.

Not the ordinary kind of worry she usually had. Was Ranma cheating on her or who is Ranma cheating on her with or even if Ranma is really engaged to all those other girls is he cheating when he was with her and did he ever stop cheating? But a more serious kind of worry .

After her conversation with her conscience the other week her regular poundings on Ranma with whichever gold club or piece of furniture took her fancy had become so common that Ranma had taken to hiding and eating in the kitchen rather than risk Akane's wrath.

This decidedly psychotic behaviour from Akane had reduced her father to tears, Ranma, as previously noted into hiding and the rest of the household to distraction.

Something had needed to be done and so Kasumi had taken Akane aside for a sisterly talk and it was this that had frightened Akane.

After divulging to Kasumi her reasons for her current campaign against Ranma, Kasumi had sighed sadly, dismissed Akane's revelation about the visit from her 'conscience' as a delusion and decided that Akane was merely troubled by the pressures of teenage life.

Then laying a sisterly hand upon Akane's knee and proceeded to give her The Talk.

Now Akane had received the lessons at school, where do babies come from, the changes your body goes through during puberty and all of the other courses on biology and the birds and the bees, but never in quite the same terms Kasumi used.

Heaving bosoms, throbbing manhoods, raging hormones, rampaging desires driving her irrevocably into the arms of her suitor where he would make her a woman. It was not only the vivid imagry that kasumi conjured with her talk it was the glazed expression, reminiscent of Nodoka Saotome in the midst of one of her 'my son is so manly' dialogues. Now if Akane was more widely read she would have recognised some of the more lurid phrases used by Kasumi as coming from the particular historical romance novels, sometimes called bodice-rippers, that Kasumi devoured like Genma or Ranma for that matter would devour anything edible.

By the time Kasumi had finished her little talk Akane was frozen with fear

It was not only Ranma and boys she should be worried about but her own body, it was conspiring against her as well. Insidious hormones and cruel primitive instincts and desires driving her into the masculine arms of her beau, where he would crush her to his manly chest, his strong arms would encase her as his hot breath on her face and his dominating kisses lit a fire deep within her very soul and would cause her to swoon and open her to the raging passions that would soon consume them both!

Akane had never understood so completely Dr Tofu's problem with Kasumi.

She also now understood she had to get rid of Ranma.

Happousai was not a pretty sight.

This is not unusual, some would say and many did that Happousai resembled nothing more than an oversized garden gnome with anorexia who had spent twenty years too long in the bath. The fact that he was at his happiest at the moment, due to the fact he was rolling in a days worth of stolen panties, did nothing to improve his looks

Happousai was not a complicated creature, he only wanted three things;

Panties.

2.To be acknowledged as the world's greatest practitioner of the martial arts. control over all the women in the world, especially the good-looking ones and their panties.

If pressed he might add a fourth, that the whole world fall down on their knees and humbly worship him, after all if he got the first three the fourth shouldn't be too much to ask for.

So oblivious to the world around him Happousai rolled lost in his own perverted world of bliss where pretty ladies cuddled him to their bosoms and showered him with their panties that the unaware that the eyes of a vicious predator were upon him.

A-chan was the pervert avenger or more correctly the revenger upon perverts for all of their perverted doings.

Or even more correctly the pre-emptive revenger upon perverts for A-chan had decided that Nerima was so full of perverts that if she restricted herself only to those perverts who she actually witnessed performing perverted acts the vast majority would go unpunished. A more proactive approach was called for and thus A-chan created a broad description of what a pervert looked like and how they behaved so that she could deliver her righteous justice upon their filthy carcasses.

She even wrote it all down on a piece of paper;

Item 1. Sex – Male.

The End

A-chan, after she made the list was mightily pleased with herself, certainly the list was short, and the description was broad but she was certain that even if, in the unlikely event she should punish an innocent male.

'As if!' she snorted to herself.

If she did punish an 'innocent' male it would probably only be because he had not yet had the opportunity to engage in perverted behaviour and maybe because of her punishment he would not succumb to those base male urges that she'd heard about. Not that she was completely sure what base male urges were but they sounded pretty horrible to her and besides males had it coming to them anyway.

This did not mean that A-chan did not actively seek out the worst offenders and just randomly pummeled male passersbys into unconsciousness. She was, just the tiniest bit, selective.

One subject she had heard of and considered to be the No.1 most wanted pervert in all of Nerima was the notorious panty thief.

She had tracked him all week.

He had disappeared into neighbouring Juuban for a while, but Juuban was out of A-chan's territory, sacrifices must be made in the fight against perverts and A-chan had decided to sacrifice Juuban. A-chan had in fact done some research on Juuban and decided that it may warrant a visit, she had heard after all of some girls running around in obscenely short sailor suits and while her list did identify male perverts exclusively there was something suspicious about those girls' morals.

'Maybe' A-chan had mused 'they are secretly trying to create a plague of perverts by wearing suggestive costumes which would then flood across into Nerima in an orgy of, of….. Well if it mentioned orgy anywhere in it, it had to be bad.'

A-chan was justifiably proud of her reasoning and it was reasoning like this that kept her happily burning away like a little raging furnace of proactive retribution.

It was this raging furnace of retribution, or the aura generated by it that woke Happousai from his own private vision of Nirvana.

He barely had time to roll out of the way before the 'Mighty Mallet of Mutilation and Justice' descended on the spot he had been lounging.

Where a moment before Happousai had been lost in bliss he now faced a doll that looked vaguely familiar wielding a mallet that looked even more familiar. What was most disturbing was the fact that the little figure and the mallet were ablaze with ki so hot it was beginning to singe his pile of panties.

This, he decided, would not do.

'Mess with my silky darlings will you! Happousai shrieked as he threw a happoudaikarin bomb towards the small figure, his face contorting into what could only be classified by those of a very generous disposition as a grin.

Happousai's grin however did not last.

A-chan with dexterity and a previously untapped potential for softball belted the small bomb straight back at Happousai.

'This is unexpected' thought Happousai as the bomb struck him in the chest knocking him backwards several paces.

Unfortunately for Happousai it did not end there, the bomb had still not detonated, but it had in fact loosened the remainder of the bombs Happousai had secreted about his person causing them to fall in a pile at his feet.

He only had time for a quick glance at the pile of bombs piled about his feet and not even time to frame the thought that 'This isn't good' before the resulting detonation blasted him to an altitude that gave him a nice view of the Chinese coastline.

As he reached the summit of his impromptu flight Happousai decided it wasn't all bad.

'Based on the trajectory' Happousai figured ' I should land on the roof above the Tendo living room.'

So cheered by the thought of his upcoming visit to the Tendos he began his descent.

A-chan cheered by the punishment of the number one target on her hit list dismissed her mallet and continued her search for perverts.

'A woman's work' A-chan mused sagely 'is never done.'

Soun was beside himself with delight.

At great expense , he and Genma had borrowed money from Nabiki at an exorbitant interest rate, they had managed to acquire a barrel of water from the spring of drowned boy. With this they were certain as Genma explained it 'to persuade Ranma to overcome any doubts he may harbour about marrying Akane and bring the engagement between the two to a rapid and satisfying conclusion.'

Soun was unsure as to what was meant by this but Genma assured him that this meant they would be married. It had taken six months for the barrel to arrive and now there it sat in the middle of the living room floor, a barrel that symbolised the final step in the path to joining the two families.

All it needed now was for Ranma to be convinced.

It was a disagreement between Happousai and the roof that caused his somewhat precipitous entry to the Tendo living room. He had been hoping to make a light landing upon the tiles before bounding down to the courtyard and then caper through the Tendo house like a geriatric pinball after too many cups of coffee.

Happousai believed that the roof was stable and solid.

The roof believed that it wasn't.

Happousai only had a moment to reflect upon his and the roof's difference of opinion before falling to the living room floor and knocking an inappropriately placed barrel towards the front door.

Ukyou had been toying with the idea of being more feminine.

This for most teenage girls would be neither a major change in lifestyle nor a huge step. But for Ukyou, who had made being a male impersonator a lifestyle choice even before she could make a lifestyle choice, this was a step somewhat akin to a tiger deciding to go vegan.

This was not unheard of. A particularly unintelligent tiger, she had found that most herbivores had enough wits to outsmart her, had, for reasons of survival, decided that vegetables, being easier to sneak up upon than her more traditional prey would be a surer way to ensure her survival. Unfortunately her experiment was short lived when she was run over by a produce truck on her first outing.

Ukyou had decided that the first step in becoming more feminine was to adopt more feminine clothing. This however was not something to be leapt into, unless you're Happoousai, Ukyou had instead decided that she would slowly change, to creep up on the concept and when she felt she was comfortable she would advance to Step 2 and so on.

Step 1 was to adopt more feminine undergarments. These she discovered were called lingerie, she also discovered there were shops that specialised in the sale of these items. She had further discovered that there was a range of colours, styles and materials that made her head spin. There were even some, shown to her with great delight by the salesgirl, thankfully not modeled, that defied any argument Ukyou could arrive at to explain their existence as they were totally impractical. Ukyou, who had first entered the store looking for something eminently practical had instead found herself leaving the store with a tiny bag that was still many times too large for the items she had purchased.

As the water from the aforementioned barrel flew through the doorway drenching both her and Teri, Ukyou came to a complete and sudden understanding as to why Ranma refused to wear women's undergarments.

Ranma sat in the Tendo kitchen waiting for the kettle to boil. Teri transformed by the cursed water into a six month old baby sat wrapped in a towel in Ranma's lap, the two of them sat in silence staring at the cup of cursed water that Ranma had managed to save.

It was in this cup of water that the dilemma lay.

There was enough water in the cup to cure Ranma and Ranma suspected if he could figure out how to do it enough to curse Teri again so that Teri would be wholly human. But not both.

Ranma sighed, a few short months ago there would have been no dilemma. Here was the cure, he would use it. But now Ranma had discovered with his newly developed capacity for thought options, choices and consequences.

Ranma dropped his gaze to where Teri lay in his lap. If there was a chance that Teri could become wholly human should they take it. There was no future in being a sentient chicken teriyaki, Ranma and Teri had both agreed upon that.

In the end there was no choice, Ranma poured the water into a saucepan. He only hoped this worked.

Ukyou had been rushed upstairs to the furo, carefully to avoid any contact with any cursed water, no more than two new curses per day was a very sensible policy Kasumi had decided.

Akane hurried along with Kasumi and Ukyou determined to offer whatever support she could, she could not imagine anything worse that could happen to a girl than to be cursed to turn into a boy.

Nabiki stayed in the living room, she could not get over the hurt in Ranma's eyes when Ukyou had declared she had turned into a freak.

Nabiki was surprised when she entered the kitchen to see Ranma still nursing baby Teri, after all she assumed that Ranma had taken Teri to the kitchen for a quick application of hot water and hey presto instant chicken teriyaki.

"Hey" said Nabiki sitting down across from Ranma "Umm did you save enough water for, you know…"

"Kind of."

"Kind of?"

Nabiki looked at Teri who was displaying a disconcerting ability, for a six month old baby, to track and follow conversation. Also disconcerting was the intensity with which Ranma was gazing at Teri.

"How are you Teri-chan?"

"Ahh, Teri's having a bit of trouble getting words out at the moment." Ranma supplied "Not used to real vocal chords just yet."

"Oh, OK."

"Kind of enough water?"

"Only enough for one of us."

Ranma walked across to the sink and gestured to two containers "Hot water, cold water."

Nabiki nodded.

Ranma put his hand into the cold water triggering his curse, then did the same with Teri.

"But Teri is already in cursed form?"

Ranma held up a hand to quiet Nabiki and dropped his hand in the hot water triggering the change back to his uncursed form, when he dropped Teri's hand into the water nothing happened.

Nabiki just gaped.

Ryouga was lost.

This was not unusual.

That Ryouga considered this to Ranma's fault was not unusual either.

That Ryouga was right in assuming his being lost was Ranma's fault was unusual.

How it came to be that Ryouga being lost was Ranma's fault was unusual, though possibly only if you didn't live in Nerima.

To trace the course of events leading to Ryouga being lost, the first few hours after Ranma received his curse would need to be examined. After the initial shock of Ranma's first transformation into his female form had worn off, or subsided to the point he was able to sit still without twitching, cursing and plotting pandacide Ranma sat quietly at the doorway to the guide's hut gazing forlornly over the numerous cursed springs.

In the tradition of boys everywhere Ranma idly picked up a stone and tossed as far as he could across the floor of the valley unmindful of where it would fall. In keeping with tradition it did fall and in a coincidence only slightly less traditional it fell into a pool of water.

Being a the valley of the training grounds of accursed springs it only stood to reason that the water the stone fell into was accursed. If the guide had to describe that particular pool he would have said something like "Aiii….. That is spring of drowned time-traveller. There is tragic legend, very tragic of time-traveller who drown there 800 years from now…"

So the stone fell into the pool of the drowned time-traveller and in another coincidence, it seemed to be the day for it, due to temporal and spatial displacement struck one of Ryouga's ancestors on the head.

Very hard.

Hard enough to temporarily addle the brains of Ryouga's ancestor, one Ryoma Hibiki, so that he did not realise he was holding his map upside down and subsequently showed up 3 days late for a battle. By the time Ryoma finally arrived the battle was over and instead of honour and glory all he received was a curse from his lord that "if he couldn't find a battle field half a days march from his own home, never again would he or his descendant ever be blessed with a good sense of direction."

Fortunately for Ryouga his ancestor already had three children, as he turned for home and was never heard from again, apart from an occasional postcard.

"Where am I now?" cried Ryouga

"Shampoo" called Cologne reaching for the cooking sake and taking a long drag on the bottle "go rescue your husband from behind the rubber plant he's scaring the customers."

Ukyou looked sadly at the front of her restaurant. She couldn't stay in Nerima now, she had to get away, reflect, forgive herself.

"How could I say something so stupid?" she whispered "Why couldn't I keep my mouth shut or just think a little before I spoke?"

Ukyou turned away from her restaurant and started walking with no real destination in mind.

"Why did I have to tell Ranma I'd turned into a freak?"

Nabiki sat at her desk, her email open in front of her as she thought hard on what information to provide to have Teri registered through one of her contacts in the registry of births.

The name was not a problem, Teri Tendo.

Place of birth, easy, after all her contact would ensure that all supporting records would be completed.

Parents?

A wicked grin slowly crept across Nabiki's face and she started typing "Perfect!"

Ranma wasn't sure where he was. The landscape was green and flat, with regular round knobs rising up from the ground in a grid like pattern that looked oddly familiar, but apart from the little knobs the landscape was featureless.

"Hmmph" said Ranma at a loss for anything else to say and uncomfortable with the silence 'I guess I'll start walking…hmmmm.. that way.'

Having decided on a direction Ranma started walking, Ranma always a great believer in the only thing worse than doing the wrong thing is doing nothing and could not stand inaction and walking he thought if nothing else would sooth his nerves.

It was only as he started walking that he noticed something else was wrong, his feet felt like they were sticking to the ground and while he usually walked with a fluid grace he felt stiff and awkward.

He bent to look at his feet.

He stood back up straight.

He slowly raised his arms so he could examine his hands.

"Aaaaaargh I'm Lego!"

Ranma's painted on eyes widened as far as painted on eyes can.

'I've got to be dreamin', I've got to be dreamin'. What do I do? What do I do? I can't pinch myself' Ranma tried flexing his fingers, but they stubbornly refused to flex, the only option he think of was the dive face first onto the ground to see if he could feel that.

"I wouldn't try that if I were you" a voice behind him said "it's awfully hard to get back on your feet."

Ranma spun as fast as his stubby little Lego body would allow. There standing before him was a little Lego man, unsurprisingly the same size as Ranma only the colours of his building blocks were different.

"Who are you?" Ranma asked.

"Wu."

"Wu who?"

"No need to get excited" the Lego man replied.

Ranma tried for a stone-faced look, but unable to achieve that finally settled on plastic, it was more in character at this point.

"This is a dream" Wu explained.

Ranma breathed a sigh of relief, it was nice to have that confirmed at least. "I don't usually dream in Lego" Ranma said still a little shaky from his Lego transformation.

"You don't usually dream in colour either" Wu countered "but here we are in glorious Lego-vision."

Ranma looked at Wu uncertainly.

"This isn't one of your usual dreams" Wu explained 'you know the ones where you have the big fight rescue the girl and then wake up before things get interesting."

Ranma nodded, or tried to, nodding wasn't something his current for allowed..

"By the way does you fiance know that her sis…."

Ranma blushed a nice shade of Lego red and quickly interrupted "Why are you here? Why are we here? What's going on?"

"Ki" said Wu and repeated "Ki."

Ranma looked at Wu not understanding.

"Walk with me Ranma we have much to discuss."

"Ah Wu, who are you?"

"Bless you and good question. I………" Wu paused for dramatic effect 'I was the first great martial arts master."

"Never heard of you" responded Ranma.

"Yeah, well it was a very long time ago."

Ranma just nodded.

"Something came into your possession recently Ranma, something important."

Ranma thought back over the last couple of days, trying to imagine what item could be considered important "The little pink rock I found in the street!"

"That's the one, gave you a few ideas didn't it."

"Made me wonder about things, yeah."

"And what did you think about, what did you decide?" swivelling his head to examine Ranma.

"Well I wondered how did a rock have Ki?"

Wu made waving motions with his arms for Ranma to continue, extremely difficult as Lego.

"Well I thought what if someone put Ki there, or what if it was just like a sponge that soaked Ki up." Ranma looked at Wu who was saying nothing. "So I looked about, I mean I just looked about for Ki and then I really tried to concentrate on Ki and…"

"And?"

"And it's everywhere, I mean people leave it everywhere. Wherever you've gone you leave a little of yourself behind. Or a little bit of your Ki"

Wu nodded.

"Well I met Nabiki in the park a month or so ago" said Ranma changing conversational tack and warming to his subject "and she said it was her favourite spot because her family used to go there together. But it was nothing special. I mean, there was nothing special about that spot, the view was OK I guess, there were no big trees, or gardens, it was just ordinary. Well, that is, until I went back and really looked. It was like there were traces of all the people who visited that spot were there.

"So when Nabiki visited there she was visiting her family as they were, there were….."

"Echoes?" offered Wu

"Yeah" affirmed Ranma "and then I just started playing with Ki. Just seeing what I could do and then I realised I could do whatever I wanted with it. It's just a matter of practice."

"So you learnt the trick."

"Yeah that's it. It's all just a trick! There's no great techniques it's all just using Ki, there's no Chestnut Fist, there's no….." Ranma rotated his head "they're just training exercises aren't they, to learn to use your Ki once you can do that you can do anything if you want too, you just gotta figure out how!"

"Exactly!" Wu smiled "Do you know how many people have realised that? Including you and me that is?"

Ranma shook his head or twisted it anyway, it was the best he could do at the moment.

"Three!" Wu crowed "three!"

"Cologne?" offered Ranma guessing at the identity of the mysterious third.

"Oh please" said Wu his painted on nose wrinkling in disgust "an amazon? Those thieves, not a single original technique in their whole miserable existence, stole the lot of 'em. They don't even realise they're just training exercises.

"Did you know" Wu whispered conspiratorially, ignoring the fact that they were currently in a dream and unlikely to be overheard "their whole history is a lie."

Ranma shook his head or rather twisted it, shaking and nodding aren't something that really comes naturally as Lego as Ranma was rapidly realising.

Wu gestured to Ranma and they walked away towards the Lego horizon.

"Ki" Wu pontificated sagely "is you own life force. Chi is the life force of the earth itself. Manipulation of the two forces most people call magic."

"Magic?" whispered Ranma.

"You need not be a martial artist to learn to manipulate these forces" Wu continued as if Ranma had not spoken "it is but one path."

"But Cologne, Happousai, they use magic?"

"Yes" nodded Wu "by using spells, rituals and focuses to channel power. Not by manipulating these forces directly. As you soon will be able to!

"Practise your focus Ranma, feel, touch the energy about you. Learn to harness it!" Wu smiled broadly "You want incentive why do think it's called the Training Ground of Accursed Springs."

"Umm, because…..it's ahhh…"

"Because Ranma, you learn to control ki and chi you can control your curse or cure it!"

Ranma stood as dumbstruck as plastic can before waking up to the fact that Wu was now several little plastic knobs ahead of him and hurried to catch up.

"You shouldn't tell anyone about this Ranma, this is very important. Realising that all these Ki techniques are just training to get to the next level is something that must figured out for ones self, not taught."

Ranma nodded and the two of them continued talking and walking for what seemed to Ranma on waking for hours.

At some point in time the little rock appeared as a small pink block of Lego and floated quietly beside them. Neither Ranma or Wu thought this at all unusual.

I know the disclaimer should be at the beginning but here it is;

Ranma ½ and all characters (except for the couple I created) are the property of Rumiko Takahashi/Shogakukan Inc. and only borrowing them. I hope one day everyone will forgive me.

Miowara Tomokato is the creation of Mark E Rogers.


	9. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

I had been a quiet and tense week at the Tendo dojo.

For reasons that no-one could understand the mere sight of Ranma was enough to cause Akane to stutter uncontrollably and back nervously from the room. While this, at least from Ranma's point of view, was a vast improvement over the seemingly random poundings he had been receiving over the previous weeks, to others it heralded signs that either;

1. Ranma and Akane were finally accepting their engagement and everything was going well (Soun).

2. Akane was losing the few marbles she had previously managed to retain and she was about to enter meltdown (Nabiki).

3. Akane was just going through one of those stages that all teenagers went through (Kasumi).

4. Things were building up to the cliffhanger at the end of the TV ratings period (Teri, as most of his education had so far been received from the television)

or

5. Good times were coming (the koi in the pond, after all they had had the pond to themselves all week).

Whatever the reason the dojo had been quiet.

Ranma however was wracked with guilt.

He had betrayed his fiances, after his, not really a date with Nabiki, they had kissed, hugged and stuff. And it was wonderful. Ranma, long starved of affection felt he should be walking on air, but somehow he knew what they had done was wrong.

'If Akane just came out and pounded me' he thought 'it would all be better. Instead she looks at me with horror. She knows, she knows and she's as disgusted with me as I am with myself.

'All those times she called me a pervert, she was right.'

Pleased that the poundings had stopped, while believing he deserved a pounding was driving Ranma deeper into a shame and guilt spiral.

So Ranma became quiet and withdrawn, this worried Nabiki.

Nabiki was plagued with guilt as well.

'Her own sister's fiance, how could she?'

Part of her, was ecstatic. Over the past few months her and Ranma had grown closer and at the time their brief excursion off the path in the park had seemed but a natural progression in their developing relationship, but now with the behaviour of Ranma and Akane Nabiki was imagining this was all her fault.

Nabiki became cold and snappy, students at school were paying their debts off early to avoid the wrath of the ice-queen. Worse she was cold with Ranma when what she really wanted was to hold him again, she knew she shouldn't be angry with him, it was her fault.

'If only it hadn't happened, we'd still be friends' Nabiki would think 'if only it would happen again.'

Inside Nabiki was just sad.

Sad and depressed, of all the people at school only Sayuri seemed to understand. At least Nabiki could smile about that, she had a friend.

8 8 8

On a Saturday afternoon the Tendo dojo usually rang with sounds of suffering practice dummies and breaking boards. But this Saturday the dummies passed the day in peace and the boards in one piece and it was to this oddly quiet residence that Mrs Yoshikawa wended her weary way.

Taking scant note of the notice at the entrance gates Mrs Yoshikawa made her way directly to the front door of the Tendo home and tapped firmly and precisely on the door.

Precision was an important factor in Mrs Yoshikawa's life as was order and quiet. For Mrs Yoshikawa was a martial arts librarian. The lustrous black hair of her youth had long since faded and been replaced with a severe steel gray arrangement that looked solid enough to bounce a brick off. Thin and frail with piercing eyes that were able to both freeze noisy library visitors and decalcify their spines many took Mrs Yoshikawa for a lonely spinster, instead she had been married for fifty years to a martial arts podiatrist and had four children and twice as many grandchildren.

She had only a moment to wait before the door opened and a beautiful young woman opened the door.

Mrs Yoshikawa, fore-armed with knowledge of the residents of the house knew that this was Kasumi Tendo and thanked Kasumi politely as she was shown in.

Mrs Yoshikawa was please to see that all of the players were present as she was shown into the living area of the house, she took a moment to study each in turn and noted that there seemed to be something bubbling unpleasantly beneath the seeming placid surface of the dojo.

Mrs Yoshikawa sighed, there was no easy way to do this she thought "Good afternoon, I'm Mrs Yoshikawa, martial arts librarian."

Ranma groaned another challenger.

"I'm not here to issue a challenge" she assured the assembled group "I'm here on Nerima Council business."

"Martial art's librarian" asked Nabiki dubious and intrigued.

"You'd be amazed at some of the more unusual martial arts." Mrs Yoshikawa replied seeing a chance to establish her credentials and perhaps ease into the reason for her visit..

Nabiki raised an eyebrow.

"There are many unusual martial arts techniques Nabiki Tendo. For instance martial arts boomerang throwing!"

Nabiki cast a questioning glance at Ranma.

"I studied some of that, it was a long time ago" Ranma shrugged and then grinned "but it'll come back to me."

"Martial arts stand up."

"I think we've already had that." Nabiki replied glaring direly at Ranma.

"What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?" asked Ranma.

"I don't know what do you call a boomerang that won't come back?" asked Kasumi trying to get into the swing of things,

"A stick."

Nabiki's glare never faltered, the strain of the previous week was doing nothing for her sense of humour.

"Martial arts Elvis impersonating."

Nabiki glanced across at Ranma who struck a typical Elvis pose and sang in a very good impersonation of Elvis "Uh huh huh, Uh huh huh."

"Yeah yeah" squealed Kasumi.

"I'm all shook up" Nabiki deadpanned.

"Elvis impersonating?" Akane asked "Who would train…. I mean… Elvis?"

"Come on Pops is a master of Martial Art Elvis Impersonating." Ranma proudly proclaimed and then in a quieter more conspiratorial tone continued "How do you think mom and pops got together?"

"You're mother's an Elvis fan too?" Kasumi gushed.

"Just a yes or no Ranma no 'Uh huh huh's' please" Nabiki growled.

"Yeah yeah" grinned Ranma.

"I'm all shook up!" squealed Kasumi

"Martial Arts Elvis Impersonating?" Nabiki pondered briefly "Genma as fat Elvis?"

"Yeah, well when he and mom met he was still gold lame jacket Elvis he told me." Ranma grinned "somewhere upstairs is pop's rhinestone jumpsuit."

"Martial arts double entendres" said Mrs Yoshikawa interrupting.

"I had a girl ask me for a double entendre once" Ranma paused "so I gave her one."

Kasumi giggled, Nabiki looked aghast, Akane looked on in confusion.

"Martial Arts Accountancy."

Nabiki looked at Ranma the question writ large across her face.

"Why do you think my balance is so good?" Ranma said.

"I don't believe it!"

Ranma reached into a conveniently placed sub-space pocket and produced a certificate which he then handed to Nabiki.

"You're a CPA!" shrieked Nabiki "Up until a couple of months ago you barely passed any of your classes and you're a CPA?"

"Well that's not quite true Nabiki-chan."

Akane's eyes would have narrowed at the familiarity but she was still thinking back over the conversation thinking she had missed something.

"I was doing very well in gym class."

Nabiki glared harder.

"Who better to fight with the Tax Office?"

Nabiki glared harder still.

"It can be manly in insurance?" offered Ranma.

"PERVERT" Akane screamed bringing a 5 wood crashing down on Ranma's head.

"Akane! What was that for?" Nabiki asked though she thought Ranma possibly deserved some punishment. She worked hard keeping the books for the household and there was a CPA living under the same roof.

"That double thing' Akane spluttered "you heard him."

"Do you even know what a double entendre is Akane?"

"No" Akane seethed "but it sounds French so it's got to be perverted!"

"This is getting us nowhere" Mrs Yoshikawa interrupted looking down at the semi-conscious Ranma in shock "we have serious matters to discuss."

Ranma shook his head and with some grudging support and a grated "CPA" from Nabiki rose to his feet.

Once Mrs Yoshikawa was certain she had everyone's attention she started her story.

"Neolithic martial arts."

Nabiki glanced at Ranma.

"Umm" Ranma's brow creased in thought 'Ah hah. Neolithic Big Wooden Club Strike."

"You have got to be joking!" Nabiki glared at both Ranma and Mrs Yoshikawa.

"Many centuries ago" she paused "in Neolithic times in fact, the then tiny village of Nerima had a problem with martial artists."

"Nothings changed then" commented Nabiki.

"No, but the village elders back then had a plan. A plan that would solve the problem of martial artists clubbing people at random" she paused a moment. "They consulted a local shaman who formulated the street plan for Nerima that we have today. The purpose of which is to funnel martial artists into open parkland and away from populated areas."

Ranma and the others stared in disbelief at the martial arts librarian.

"How did the plan, design, uh whatever last so long?" asked Ranma.

"Martial arts librarianship is an extremely old art. For as long as there had been martial arts, there have been martial arts librarians. Storing the scrolls, copying scrolls, recording the important martial arts information of the day. The street plan for Nerima was of course, stored by an ancient martial arts librarian and as Nerima grew so did the Nerima Martial Arts Library and a martial arts librarian has been on retainer to the city for as long as Nerima has existed.

"Which brings me to why I'm here. Because the street plan was devised in Neolithic times, it is most effective in respect to Neolithic martial artists. But…."

"But?" Akane, Kasumi, Nabiki and Ranma echoed.

"The natives or in this case the Neolithic martial artists are restless."

"Why?" Soun asked grateful for a chance to contribute to the conversation.

"Well," Mrs Yoshokawa paused to look at Akane "it's all Akane Tendo's fault."

"Mine!" shrieked Akane.

"Nice going Sis" smirked Nabiki.

"How?" Soun asked, now on a roll.

"Neolithic martial artists have very quaint marriage customs."

"Well?" Soun prompted, almost beside himself with glee at the now major, or so he thought, part he was playing in the conversation.

"The Neolithic martial arts marriage ceremony consists solely of the female clubbing the male over the head."

Nabiki and Kasumi snickered softly mindless of Akane's glare.

"They actually have to use a club?" Ranma asked nervously.

"Not absolutely necessary, but for reasons of tradition it is preferred." Mrs Yoshikawa smiled at Ranma "I wouldn't be concerned if I were you about any marriage between yourself and a Neolithic martial artist, they are quite knowledgeable about Jusenkyo curses so if you did club a Neolithic martial artist it wouldn't count."

Ranma breathed a sigh of relief, secure in the knowledge he had avoided Neolithic matrimony.

"So what's it got to do with me?" Akane prompted stealing Soun's thunder much to his disappointment.

"So, thirty-two Neolithic martial artists have submitted papers to the Nerima Council advising of their marriage to one Akane Tendo."

"Thirty-two husbands!" Akane shrieked.

"Oh my" gasped Kasumi.

"Is that legal?" asked Nabiki.

"Perfectly" replied Mrs Yoshikawa "special dispensation for Neolithic Martial Arts marriages it's written into the by-laws of Nerima."

"Oh Akane" Kasumi whispered "how did you find the time?"

Akane glared angrily at Kasumi who remained oblivious.

"And the energy" continued Kasumi wide-eyed.

"But isn't bigamy or polygamy in this case illegal." Nabiki asked.

"You could go to jail" Kasumi's eyes widened further in shock at the thought of her little sister cruelly incarcerated.

"Special dispensation in Nerima" Mrs Yoshikawa explained again.

"Oh my" continued Kasumi still stuck on the thought of her sister going to jail and performed some rapid mental calculations. "Even with one conjugal visit a day, one husband would miss out on 4 months, another three wouldn't get a look in during February and there's just not enough days in any month for one poor man."

Akane stared at Kasumi unsure of how to and unable to frame a suitable response.

Mrs Yoshikawa gazed in wonder at Kasumi and leant over to Nabiki and whispered "Is she often like this?"

Nabiki nodded and whispered confidentially "She just needs to get out more" as if that explained everything.

Ranma's mind meanwhile had been working at a feverish pace since Mrs Yoshikawa had made her announcement regarding the recent changes in Akane's marital status. While he was sensitive to the marital woes that could arrive to unexpectedly afflict people's lives, due to his own problems in this area, this was too good an opportunity to miss.

"Oh woe" Ranma cried dramatically "oh woe is me. Betrayed and cast aside by an uncaring fiancé. Jilted for thirty-two other men."

Nabiki snickered.

"Oh, poor Ranma" sympathised Kasumi.

"Hey!" said Akane.

Ranma continued, his knees obviously weakened by the shock gave way and Ranma clutched at the table for support. "The shame, the shame" he cried "oh, how can I show my face in public again."

Soun, not renowned for his fast thinking and still recovering from the shock that his little girl had thirty-two husbands was only slowly waking up to the fact that something was interfering with the joining of the two families.

"So uncaring that she cast me aside unthinking of my poor tender heart!"

Soun was troubled, Genma was the brains of the operation, what would Genma do?

"Oh, it's not made of wood" sniffed Kasumi empathetically.

'What to do? What to do?' Soun's mind turned over once, twice before the motor engaged and his mental engine long idle started to pick up speed.

"Oh please" Akane grumbled rolling her eyes.

'One daughter married, two unmarried' Soun's mind continued ticking over with all the grace, surety and precision of a dispeptic diesel.

"The disgrace is too much for me to bear I must end it all!" Ranma cried scrambling about for a suitable implement for suicide but only finding a spoon, which he commenced to brandish about in a self-menacing fashion.

Soun acting at last grabbed his closest daughter and threw her at Ranma.

"WAAAAH" Soun cried " my baby just got engaged."

Nabiki looked up at Ranma at whom she had just been thrown "I guess we just got engaged."

"Is it always like this here?" Mrs Yoshikawa asked no-one in particular.

"Oh yes" replied Teri from his rug on the floor.

8 8 8

The living room of the Tendo house was in an uproar.

From Soun crying with joy at his middle daughter's engagement and his youngest daughter's marriages, though he was still a little confused about whether thirty-two husbands was a good idea. One small part of his mind figured that with Akane's cooking skills being what they were the numbers would soon fall away.

Kasumi meanwhile was still pondering the logistics of having thirty-two new brothers-in-law and was becoming quite concerned about where they would sleep and blushing quite deeply when wondering if Akane would sleep with thirty-two husbands relying on her to perform her wifely duties.

Nabiki and Ranma meanwhile just stared at each other, wondering what to make of their sudden engagement and were conversing in quiet tones.

Relief seemed to be the common emotion. Suddenly the post date incident didn't seem to be cause for guilt, or as much guilt, after all they were now engaged. Not that, they decided, anything needed to change because of their engagement, they would continue as before. While neither particularly wanted to be engaged, they decided they could work through it together and if they worked as a team could not see how their fathers could force them into anything.

"Besides" Ranma confided "this does mean when can, you know do …….stuff."

"Stuff?" whispered Nabiki.

"But not in bushes" Ranma whispered back.

"You mean kiss" Nabiki offered leaning in close to Ranma and placing a hand on his chest "and cuddle."

"Um…. yeah" Ranma answered blushing furiously.

Fortunately up until this point in Ranma and Nabiki's conversation Akane's mind was wholly occupied by the horrible realisation that she may be a pervert.

'A normal person wouldn't have thirty-two husbands, I'm a pervert' Akane reeled 'next thing I'll be stealing boy's underwear and peeking into the boy's showers at school.'

Akane glanced over at Ranma and Nabiki noticing for the first time how close they were standing and 'hey isn't his hand on her waist!'

"HEN-TAI…PERV-ERT" Akane yelled punctuating each syllable with a blow from an eight iron.

Nabiki interposed herself between her now recumbent fiancé and raging sister "Excuse me Akane, but that is MY fiancé you are pounding and I have no problem with him, so BACK OFF!"

"But……but" Akane spluttered wilting under Nabiki's gaze.

"You know Akane, if you were a Neolithic martial artist that would make thirty-three." Kasumi keeping score.

8 8 8

'This' Mrs Yoshikawa decided 'is a lot more difficult than I originally thought it would be.'

"Excuse me!" Mrs Yoshikawa called trying to restore order.

Peace or at least silence descended upon the Tendo household. Akane glared across at a suddenly smug looking Nabiki who was holding a nervous Ranma's hand, though he did not seem to be trying to extricate himself from her grasp.

"If I may continue" Mrs Yoshikawa glanced around at those present.

"OK" she continued "the Neolithic martial artists aren't very happy that Miss Tendo has not commenced her married life, ie. moved in with her new husbands and are revolting."

Mrs Yoshikawa glared at everyone in turn daring them to make the obvious joke and seeing that no one was going to, continued.

"My sources have informed me that one particular clan is going to use this current little crisis to take over Nerima."

"Clans?" asked Ranma.

"There are four clans. Each clan is named after their spiritual guide, an animal and each clan member makes a pilgrimage to Jusenkyo to bathe in the pool of their namesake." Mrs Yoshikawa paused a moment to let this sink in.

"They actually curse themselves on purpose" Ranma said disbelievingly.

"Yes, it's part of their initiation to become a full member of one of the clans. The Dire Wolves, the Cave Bears, the Sabre-Tooth Tigers and the worst of the lot, possibly the only clan that is irredeemably evil. The Fluffy Bunnies!"

"The Fluffy Bunnies" giggled Akane.

Mrs Yoshikawa showed no sign of amusement "Yes, the Fluffy Bunnies, they model themselves on a miniature lop-eared rabbit called Bun-Bun."

"Bun-Bun" Ranma whispered softly.

"You've heard of him?" Mrs. Yoshikawa asked surprised.

"Met him," said Ranma.

"A rabbit?" snickered Akane'

"A psychotic rabbit with a switchblade and a Glock with a laser sight!" Ranma countered.

"Oh really?" Akane laughed "are we talking about the same thing?"

"Cute, long floppy ears, chews things…"

"And possibly the most amoral creature to ever walk upon the earth." added Mrs. Yoshikawa

"It's a rabbit" countered Akane.

"I think we're getting off track here' Nabiki interjected

"He knows the dreaded lop technique." Ranma continued reminiscing.

"Lop technique?" asked Akane suddenly interested.

"Where the death blow comes from behind!" Ranma finished.

"Behind" said Akane twirling about to see, only to have Ranma poke her in the back of her head with his finger.

"Behind."

"Hey!"

"Children! Mrs. Yoshikawa interrupted "we have some serious issues to discuss here. Now, if you don't mind."

8 8 8

Hinako lay perfectly still.

She could feel the unbearable weight of the sunlight crashing down upon her eyelids causing unspeakable pain to course through her brain. Though she tried not to frame any thoughts whatsoever, even thinking was painful, one thought, one prayer kept passing through her mind 'I hope Death comes quickly……. and on tiptoe.'

It was then with the slow and painful rising to full awareness that Hinako noticed something, some weight was pressing down upon her chest.

'It's small' she thought 'Oh my god it's a rat, a rat has crawled up onto my chest while I've been asleep, it's been overcome by the alcoholic fumes I've been breathing out and it's died!'

Hinako froze fearful of disturbing the creature, even if it was dead or dead drunk, when suddenly it started to move.

"Oh my head" a small voiced groused.

In act of bravery or possibly supreme foolhardiness Hinako opened one eye and peered fearfully down at her chest.

"Morning" the small figure greeted Hinako grumpily "you will note I made no mention of good."

Hinako made no attempt to nod a she was unsure whether this simple task was within her grasp at this moment or if her head would remain attached to her neck. She thought back over the previous night to see if she could make any sense of what she was seeing.

She and Eri had gone out clubbing to celebrate their becoming flatmates. She had no trouble maintaining her adult form as a seemingly endless parade of deadbeats and losers had 'volunteered' their services to help her maintain her ki level. There must have been more of them than she realised for here she was next morning and still adult.

Which she considered a good thing, a nine year old with a hangover could not be seen as socially acceptable. Some tired, alcohol and hangover befuddled part of Hinako's mind pondered that for a moment and decided that losing custody of herself due to allowing a minor to drink would be difficult.

Sometime during the night they had been joined by A-chan who had been attracted by the endless parade of perverts flocking to Eri and Hinako's table.

By the end of the night it was 'A-chan', 'E-chan', 'H-chan' and drinks all round.

Which brought them to this morning.

"Morning A-chan." Hinako groaned.

"I though I heard something moving" came a voice from the bedroom door and possibly the grave.

Hinako pondered for a moment if she could turn her head to look at Eri. When she finally decided movement of any kind could not be much worse than what she was already experiencing slowly turned her head towards the door. There framed in the doorway was an immaculate Eri.

"How" Hinako rasped pondering the immeasurable distance between how Eri looked and how she sounded..

"Martial Arts Deportment." Eri replied as she staggered across the room and gently lowered herself onto the bed beside Hinako.

"Ah."

"You look" Eri managed to say "like I feel."

"Urrgh."

"H-chan?"

"Urrgh?"

"Same thing next Friday night?"

Hinako rolled her head to look at her friend and struggled to maintain her focus "Oh, definitely."

8 8 8

Genma was home. Or at least Japan. Certainly, he would admit he was as far from Nerima as he could get and still be on the same island.

Happy could not begin to describe how he was feeling. It had not been a happy trip.

'You would think' Genma pondered with four legs that at least one of them would be a sea leg.'

Unfortunately for Frank and Genma, especially Frank, Frank had been cursed with landlubbers legs, all four of them. Subsequently Frank spent almost the entire trip draped over the railing of the ship heaving and wheezing dramatically as a panda can.

Unable to even produce a sign for the entire trip Frank clutched tightly to the railing with his front paws and clutched not at all with his stomach to the small tidbits Genma fed him. Now that they had landed Frank was bemoaning his fate, doomed to lose all his lovely panda fat on an interminable boat trip.

'Ship voyage' Genma corrected.

'Whatever' groused Frank in reply.

Having snuck off the ship Genma and Frank's only hurdle to returning to Nerima was escaping the shipyards and hiking

'Wasted, wasted away' Franked moaned via sign 'there will be nothing left of me but skin and bones.

'Look. Look' he gestured to his coat 'my fur is losing it's shine, I'm becoming ugly.'

'Drama queen' Genma signed unsympathetically.

The two pandas crept as quietly as they could through the maze of containers and warehouses, ducking back behind corners whenever they spotted workers or guards.

Genma sighed deeply, it was going to take them all day to get out of the shipyards at this rate and they still had a long journey ahead of them.

'At least' he thought 'we haven't been spotted yet.'

It was then Genma heard the horn sound behind them.

8 8 8

"So you see there are two issues here. One, stop the Fluffy Bunnies from taking over Nerima" Mrs Yoshikawa glared at Akane at this point as if daring her to laugh.

Akane maintained a stony faced silence.

"And two, arrange divorces for Akane, unless she likes the idea of being married to thirty-two Neolithic martial artists."

Mrs Yoshikawa and the others turned to Akane waiting for her reply.

"What! Of course I want divorces" Akane screamed "AAARRRGGGHHHHH!"

"No need for histrionics" Mrs Yoshikawa reprimanded "a simple yes or no would have sufficed."

Kasumi giggled and Nabiki looked amused, Ranma maintained a neutral expression while Soun looked lost. Teri smiled, though that may have been attributable to wind.

"Well, fortunately the solution to both problems is the same, you need a champion, preferably family or close friend of the family…….."

"Say a sister's fiance?" offered Nabiki.

"Exactly" smiled Mrs Yoshikawa "Someone to challenge the Neolithic martial artists or just convince them to accept your request for a divorce.

"However, I would suggest that more than one champion would be required in this case and no females, unless you want a few more marriages."

"I know just the people to help me out" Ranma grinned.

"Are you sure you don't want to check them out and maybe keep one?" Kasumi asked Akane innocently.

Mrs Yoshikawa's face almost split from her smile, Ranma and Nabiki clutched each other and roared with laughter, Soun just waited for Akane's answer.

8 8 8

Late afternoon had done little to help A-chan, E-chan and H-chan.

The merest sound was enough to send lances of pain driving through their skulls, they had each in turn struggled to prepare some small morsel to eat, but the thought of performing such an action was as far as any of them got. Instead they lay side by side, or in A-chan's case atop of H-chan on H-chans bed.

They would probably have and fully intended to do so, lay on H-chan's bed until late Sunday if not for a persistent knocking of the apartment door and it was only the silent agreement formed between the three of them that the offending party should be killed as quickly and as quietly as possible that made them leave their resting place. With cat-like tread the three crept silently towards the door. A-chan considered for a brief moment summoning her mallet and pummeling the unknown knocker into paste. But memories of the satisfying thwack sound made when mallet strikes pervert only conjured images of pain so instead A-chan grabbed an errant shoelace and proceeded to plan methods of quiet strangulation.

H-chan silently blessed her door hinges as the door swung silently open to reveal a duck.

For a moment the three friends stared silently at each other and then at the duck, which in turn stared silently back at them.

"Hello" said the duck in a clear and pleasant female voice.

E-chan and H-chan stared.

A-chan was not to be denied however and leapt forward lassoing the duck about the neck.

"Die!" A-chan hissed angrily commencing the tighten the shoelace.

H-chan recovered first and grabbed A-chan hoping to preserve the duck's life but instead ended up swinging the two around her head. Unfortunately E-chan's head was in the flight path of duck and A-chan and the resulting collision rendered all three unconscious.

H-chan swayed dizzily for a moment until she too fell into blessed unconsciousness.

8 8 8

Genma and Frank turned slowly with their front paws raised above their heads.

There behind them was a dark green Mini with a white roof.

Frank and Genma looked at each other, then back at the Mini, there was no one behind the wheel. Frank glanced nervously at Genma who was walking around the small car. As Genma came to the driver's door it swung open of it's own accord, Genma smiled broadly at Frank and slid inside.

Frank with memories not altogether pleasant of the last trip taken with Genma smiled back nervously and walked around to the now open passenger door and climbed in.

Frank looked across at the panda seated beside him wearing dark glasses and reached for the second pair of glasses on the dashboard.

'Ah well' Frank thought 'if you can't beat 'em.'

He held a sign up for Genma 'Hit it!'

Hit it he did.

8 8 8

A-chan and the duck who they had learned was named Brunhilde stared at each other across the table while H-chan held he head in her hands still trying to stop it spinning and E-chan quizzed the duck.

"So let me get this straight. You're a magical guardian animal?"

"Yes."

"We're magical girls?"

"Yes."

"And we're supposed to be fighting for…"

"A disco free world and instant noodles."

"Whatever happened to Love and Justice?"

"It was taken" Brunhilde replied and sighed "all the good ones were taken."

E-chan nodded her head sagely and carefully, while A-chan continued to stare daggers at Brunhilde.

H-chan's head stabilised for a brief moment "Does the transformation cure hangovers?" she asked hopefully.

8 8 8

Nabiki walked Mrs Yoshikawa to the door. Nabiki felt uncomfortable under mrs Yoshikawa gaze for some reason she could not fathom as if she was somehow being judged, but why or for what?

Mrs Yoshikawa held a small piece of paper out for Nabiki. As Nabiki touched the paper a small shock caused her to snatch her hand back.

"What was that for?"

"You may have talent Nabiki Tendo" Mrs Yoshikawa held out a business card to Nabiki.

Nabiki stared at the card as if she expected the card to bite her.

"It's perfectly safe" Mrs Yoshikawa looked intently at Nabiki "come see me at the library Nabiki Tendo, we should talk."

"Sorry" Nabiki smirked "but I've got plans to make a lot of money."

"Oh, you'd be surprised at how much a martial arts librarian makes Nabiki Tendo. It won't hurt to talk"

Nabiki glanced at the business card, when she looked up Mrs Yoshikawa was gone.


	10. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Disclaimer and Overdue Disclaimers

Ranma ½ remains the property of Rumiko Takahashi.

Bun Bun belongs to Pete Abrams and appears in Sluggy Freelance.

Kuno's arresting officers came from Mobile Police Patlabor.

Miyuki and Natsumi are from You're Under Arrest

9 9 9

If you stepped off the beaten path in the central park in Nerima and kept stepping you would find yourself moving deeper and deeper into the park than the park had any right to be deeper than. This of course was all part of the grand scheme of the Nerima council martial artists solution or to be more precise the solution provided by that ancient shaman when he provided the street plan to the village elders all those years ago.

The meandering streets of Nerima were a huge magical symbol and though the magical force used to originally scribe the street plan into then open countryside of Nerima had long since faded the after effects still linger. Though there had been minor changes to the original street plan the crowning achievement of the original concept still remained and martial artists still found themselves wandering towards open parklands. Once through the dense undergrowth the parklands opened up into a stunning vista of open plains and scattered outcrops of primeval forests stretching almost as far as the eye can see.

Now most people would consider that if there was a vast untapped amount of real estate such as this in the centre of Nerima developers would be falling over each other in an attempt to build apartment blocks and shopping malls. But neither did you have to venture far into this untapped real estate to discover why this untouched land remained, well untouched.

Scattered through this primeval landscape were villages devoid of the ravages of internal plumbing and microwave ovens. These were the homes of the Neolithic martial artists.

Half-naked children rolled in the dust outside primitive lean-to shacks cobbled together from whatever materials caught the eye of their owners, between the cut branches you could make out chocolate wrappers and soft drink cans woven into the roofs and walls as decoration and one industrious individual had constructed his entire home out of takeaway boxes. The adults clad mostly in animal skins went about their business unmindful of the children at their feet and modern dental hygiene struggling to make do in their modern Neolithic world.

One village however was not the site of Neolithic domesticity, this was the village of the leader of the Fluffy Bunnies. Here a vast number of Neolithic martial artists gathered clad in their ceremonial head-dresses chanting as they worked themselves into a frenzy ready for their assault on the Nerima beyond the park.

They chanted the name of their lord in unison and clapped at the appropriate points.

Bun-Bun Bun-Bun BUN-BUN CLAP BUN-BUN CLAP

Anyone listening would have recognised the tune and considering that they were Neolithic martial artists would have found 'We Will Rock You' a suitable anthem.

Now as the chanting reached a crescendo and the teeming throng had driven what few thoughts remained in the minds they burst from the village and ran screaming towards Nerima proper.

9 9 9

Ranma was surprised at how easy it was to get Mousse and Ryouga to join him on his quest to defeat the Neolithic martial artists and secure thirty-two divorces for Akane.

Mousse, he only had to ask and Mousse replied that "he was only too glad to help a friend."

Ranma couldn't help but smile at that, it had felt like forever since he had any friends and now he had both Nabiki and Mousse. He supposed he could count Sayuri as a friend. Ukyou as well, though she was also a fiance. Ukyou he was still worried about since he gone to visit and found Ucchans deserted.

'Kasumi too' he thought as he waited for the Neolithic martial artists to appear 'though she is more of a big sister.'

Mousse, like Ranma was amazed at the speed at which Cologne had pushed Ryouga out the door to join them. They were also amazed at how anemic Ryouga looked and neither could ever remember Cologne drinking so early in the morning.

Ryouga, for his part, seemed to be poised between depression and anger, which was hardly unusual for Ryouga and though he stood in a pose he thought would imply stoicism and heroism and tried to keep a look of grim determination on his face, Ranma and Mousse could not help but wonder if Ryouga was constipated. But Ryouga had problems, problems up until a short time ago he never thought about.

Marriage for one.

He supposed that this was the logical conclusion of the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing. But that was something missing from his relationship with Shampoo. They had gone from opponents in a fight to the, well not quite death, but at least the 'golly that hurt, I give up now', to wild animal sex amongst the pastries.

Though Ryouga would admit it was Shampoo who was the wild animal, the barking still upset him for some reason, he was more the terrified object being used for the satisfaction of unrestrained amazon urges. He did feel that he was becoming more used to the incessant demands being placed upon him by Shampoo and he even felt he was beginning to become relaxed enough about the whole situation he could even enjoy some of her attentions. But becoming used to Shampoo also meant he was making realisations about where his life was heading.

He knew for instance why Shampoo was ill most mornings. Cologne had finally been indelicate and straightforward enough that even Ryouga had been unable to misunderstand the explanations. Ryouga was not ready to be a father.

This preyed heavily upon his mind. He knew for instance that he would have trouble supporting a wife and child. Waiting on tables was not a job he was suited for, an inability to navigate from one end of he restaurant to the other was a prerequisite for that sort of work, a prerequisite that Ryouga was sadly unable to fulfil. Likewise most other jobs were beyond his abilities, principally his ability to find his way to work.

If only Ranma had waited for him to show up for their duel, if only Ranma just once had done the right thing and admitted that he, Ryouga, was the better fighter and not insisted on winning when they fought.

If only he knew the first thing about fathers. He'd only met his own father eight times and all of those time were by accident.

Ryouga looked across at Ranma and Mousse.

'One of them' Ryouga thought 'has a father that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy, the other is from a village run by women. I'm all alone aren't I.'

Ranma and Mousse were unaware of the many thoughts running through Ryouga's mind and if asked would have admitted that they did not believe thinking was Ryouga's great strength.

Instead occupied by there own thoughts they waited.

Ranma was unsure as to how many opponents they would face and so didn't really have a plan, though he was sure that if he did have one, it would be impossible for Ryouga to follow it anyway. So he opted for the most simple plan he could.

Ranma thought that the Neolithic martial artists would charge them en-masse when they spotted them after emerging from the undergrowth and so he instructed Mousse and Ryouga to wait for his signal before leaping to attack. The challenge letter Mrs Yoshikawa had had delivered specified that this was the place for the battle.

All they could do was wait.

9 9 9

Genma thought once they arrived in Japan things would be easier, he also thought once they had a car things would be easier.

'How wrong I was' he thought to himself 'first it took me ages to pass that idiot on Mount Akina last night.

'Tofu delivery' Genma snorted remembering 'tofu is not fit food for man or beast and I should know I'm both.'

But now the police were after them. Again.

They should have lost this police car miles ago, but unfortunately the driver of this police car was nearly as crazy as he was. Genma spared a quick glance at Frank who was currently a pasty green colour.

'Obviously' Genma thought 'he still hasn't recovered from our sea voyage.'

To say that Genma was surprised when they had again crossed paths with the Mini would have been an understatement. That said Mini would be driving itself and actively seeking their company was even more surprising. That is not to say that Genma had not heard of this sort of thing before.

He had heard stories of motor cars being affected by the ki flows of their owners, especially when performing martial arts driving techniques. There was a car in America, though where you'd find a practitioner of martial arts driving in America was a question that he could not answer. If he remembered the American car was Harold or Bertie or something like that.

Genma smiled as he squeezed the Mini between two trucks, turned into a warehoused and scattered a group of workers enjoying their lunch. Glancing back he could see the police still close behind.

Genma braked hard and slid around another corner passing beneath a container suspended by a forklift before accelerating again and then with the judicious use of the handbrake double back on their previous path and passed the police car underneath the container.

By the time the police car had managed to turn and convince the forklift to move, the small green Mini and the two pandas were nowhere to be seen.

"Miyuki?" Natsumi asked looking across at her friend "How do we write this up?"

9 9 9

Nabiki was angry.

'No' she decided 'I'm worried. Worried and angry.'

The cause of both worry and anger was of course no other than her fiancé. This she realized was part and parcel of being in a relationship with Ranma. This however did not make it any easier.

Nabiki leant back on the lounge and sighed deeply and cast a glance over to where Akane was currently trying to browbeat Kasumi into submission.

Nabiki had long harboured suspicions that Kasumi was more aware of what was transpiring in the Tendo household than she ever let on and now as she watched Kasumi skillfully deflect Akane and continue with her oblivious façade she started to wonder if perhaps Kasumi was even more oblivious then previously thought. Or possibly even more aware.

"It's all Ranma's fault!" hissed Akane.

"Oh my! Kasumi gasped holding her hands to her cheeks in shock.

"He arranged all these marriages, I know it."

Kasumi smiled blissfully and her eyes took on a distant wistful quality "I'm certain he was just looking out for you, he must have known you would be lonely with him now engaged to Nabiki."

Akane's eyes widened with suddenly dawning realisation. "He planned it all in advance" she gasped.

"Such a thoughtful young man!" Kasumi beamed.

"Thoughtful?" snarled Akane "conniving and perverted more like!"

Kasumi blushed and giggled 'Oh it's just like in Meiji Passion where a wandering ronin becomes engaged to a beautiful….."

Akane tuned Kasumi out and glanced across at Nabiki who sat back wearing her patented smirk, she pondered on what could be a suitable response for a moment and finally settled on a withering glare.

Finding it impossible to find sympathy with her sisters and unwilling to risk talking to her father, who seemed to be overcome with the realisation that the families were to be joined and was currently off in his own world, Akane slumped into a chair in defeat.

Teri would have been a little put out if he had known that Akane had not considered going to him for sympathy. So Teri rolled quietly on the floor practising his 'I'm only a six month old baby I can't possibly speak act' while blowing bubbles.

Akane would have remained slumped in the chair indefinitely had there not been a knock on the door, Akane glanced first at Kasumi who still seemed lost in a world of heaving bosoms and throbbing manhoods, if Akane was hearing correctly.

This disturbed Akane greatly, she didn't understand this throbbing manhood thing at all or why Kasumi seemed so interested in them. How was the material strong enough to contain them, was there special manufacturing, extra stitching and the like that goes into boys trousers to contain them and what happens if they get loose? Horrible visions of throbbing manhoods roaming the streets unchecked ran through her mind and for a moment

Shaking her head to clear it of these disturbing visions and possibly hentai thoughts Akane noted that Nabiki seemed unwilling to move and her father was still sitting with an idiot grin on his face, lost in his happy place. She looked at the door and decided that here at least might be someone who would share her misgivings and recognise the unfairness of the whole situation.

This lasted until she opened the door to see Nodoka Saotome standing smiling at the threshold.

"Akane-chan" Nodoka smiled a particularly vacant smile "how good to see you. Is my manly son in?"

Akane shook her head and noticed that Mrs Saotome was carrying a book, the title of which appeared to be 'Desire Among the Sakura Blossoms'. The cover was particularly lurid, a bare-chested samurai with almost ludicrous pectoral development and defined abdomen which reminded Akane of an overstretched and distorted ballon. The samurai was gazing intently into the eyes of a beautiful woman with matching overinflated breasts whose kimono was being held in place only by good intentions, and badly at that.

Akane looked at her sisters, then back at Mrs Saotome 'I'm all alone aren't I.' she thought sadly 'Am I the only sane one here?'

She could have cried.

9 9 9

If Ranma and his companions thought the battle would start with a trickle of Neolithic warrior strolling into the clearing they were mistaken. Neolithic martial artists burst forth from the undergrowth in a torrent.

Not pausing the Neolithic martial artists at the sight of Ranma and his companions let loose with a cry of "BUN-BUN" and charged.

Ranma heedless of the onrushing enemy or the looks of his companions remained motionless. Marsalling the power that Wu had told him resided within him Ranma reached out and touched the chi, the lifeforce of the planet. Being unsure of the etiquette for using chi Ranma thought it best to ask politely and tried when reaching out with his ki to infuse a little of this question into his touch.

Ranma seemed to feel a response from the park around him, a willingness to help. So Ranma put a little of his will out into the air around him.

'Just a little nudge' Ranma thought and pushed.

Mousse and Ryouga had been waiting for a signal. They waited until their opponents were ten feet away, then nine, eight….

At four feet without consultation they decided Ranma had forgotten to signal them and prepared to defend themselves.

They were possibly, if it was possible even more unprepared than the Neolithic martial artists for what happened next.

It was kind of eerie in a way. There should have been sound. In fact it was disappointing that there was no sound, it would have been so much more impressive if there was sound. No doubt a quack would have just been silly, but a satisfying boom, a crash or full bodied whoosh would have added to the drama.

Instead without a sound the attacking Neolithic martial artists were picked up and flung as if by an invisible hand and hurtled back into the undergrowth and on top of the second wave incapacitating them as well.

Unfortunately, though Ranma's attack had accounted for the 100 in the first wave and the 115 in the second the third, fourth and fifth wave came on heedless.

Ranma sprang forward to the attack.

Then stopped to look back at Mousse and Ryouga who had not yet moved.

"Well" he asked.

Mousse and Ryouga swallowed nervously and leapt to the attack.

9 9 9

Nabiki had drug herself out of her funk in the midst of her explanation of where Ranma was, why Akane had 32 husbands and the change in Ranma's situation vis a vis fiancé-wise.

Nodoka took all this in her stride, she even congratulated Akane on her nuptials, commenting that she didn't think Akane had it in her, and cast an admiring smile Akane's way. This did nothing to improve Akane's mood, fortunately for Akane any further congratulatory comments from Nodoka were cut short by the arrival of Sayuri who found herself unable to relax at home knowing Mousse was out risking life, limb and pinfeathers in defence of Nerima.

This set Nabiki off into a tirade about martial artists, problems and hammers, none of which Akane understood.

"Akane" Nabiki spoke slowly as if talking to an particularly slow child "if the only tool you have is a hammer every problem is a nail."

"Oh" said Akane wondering whether this was a dig at her mallet or golf cubs.

'In fact' wondered Akane 'I wonder where my mallet went? I haven't seen it in weeks.'

If smiles were measured in wattage, and there was a corresponding measure of the inherent evil of any smile the smile that Nabiki suddenly produced would have gone off the scale.

"Sayuri?" asked Nabiki sweetly "does your father still work for the council?"

"Yes" Sayuri responded puzzled "why?"

Nabiki chuckled nastily "I have a cunning plan."

Sayuri, Kasumi and Nodoka sooned joined in the chilling laughter as Nabiki described her plan to defeat the Neolithic martial artists.

Akane and Soun cowered in the farthest corner of the room, for today they witnessed something scarier than an angry Nabiki.

Kasumi with an evil grin and an icy cold laugh that chilled them to their very bones.

9 9 9

A-chan found that having a flying and talking duck for a friend a great advantage. Now using Brunhilde as her trusty steed and sidekick she could cover twice the area she used to patrol before on her never-ending quest for perverts to punish.

She had even managed a stop in at Juuban where she gave those sailor suit wearing pervert encouraging little strumpets a piece of her mind. That her lecture had gone for three hours and necessitated her punctuating her discourse with blows from her mallet, primarily upon the head of the blonde-headed bimbo, had provided A-chan an opportunity to further discourage perverts everywhere.

A-chan was also very pleased that the blue haired one was so taken with her lecture that she was actually taking notes on a small computer. She only hoped that the blue haired sailor suited pervert promoter passed on her notes and they all took heed of her warning or else she would be back to mete out punishment commensurate with their crimes.

"Groper at five o'clock" A-chan called out to Brunhilde as she spotted a pervert in the street below "time for some pervert polo!"

As Brunhilde opened up with another operatic aria A-chan summoned her mallet and the two plummeted towards the unsuspecting pervert.

9 9 9

Kaoru Matsushima was dying. Pain wracked her tiny body. A body that had turned against her. Each breath she took caused pain to lance through her and though the doctors had attached her to a drip that fed a steady flow of painkillers into her system it did little to ease her suffering.

A visit to the doctor for what she thought was only hayfever had revealed a deeper problem, a problem which required consultation with several specialists over a few short days. The diagnosis was unanimous. She only had days to live.

'How cruel' she thought as she lay in her hospital bed, the sheets drawn up to cover the body that was wasting away, eaten away by an insidious disease the name of which she could not even pronounce.

With a weak and trembling hand she reached out and clutched her mother's hand. Kaoru's eyes in these the last few hours she would spend in this life had become peaceful with acceptance of her fate, only a slight narrowing of her eyes when the pain became to much gave any clue to her suffering.

A tear ran down Mrs Matsushima's cheek as she knelt by her daughter's bed, it was only her husband's arm around her shoulder that kept her from falling and she could feel him tremble as he held her as if it was only the need for him to be strong that kept him strong.

The last few days had destroyed them both, heir only child taken from them before she really had a chance to live. The hopes and dreams that they had cherished, come to nought by the whim of some uncaring deity. That Kaoru was able to bear her suffering with such dignity gave them a sense of pride in their daughter and mad their loss even greater.

The doctor's had asked if there was anything they could do for her, though there was nothing medically they could do. Her reply was simple, she wanted to see her Tatewaki-sempai, she hadn't seen him since Chapter Five. Though the doctors were a little confused by this they rushed to fulfil her dying wish.

That had been hours ago. Kaoru felt the strength leaving her body with every breath, the effort to keep going was more tiring than anything she had ever felt before.

As her vision faded and she knew her final moments approached a sound at the door made her her turn her had. There framed in the door, was her sempai.

"Matsushima-san" Tatewaki Kuno spoke softly as he knelt near her parents gazing at the wasted figure on the bed.

Kaoru Matsushima sighed deeply and sniffled a little.

"Damn hayfever."

She sighed again.

"If only" she whispered to herself as she pushed her trolley through the supermarket.

9 9 9

Ranma knew the battle was not going well.

The battered and unconscious bodies of Neolithic martial artists littered the ground, in some places four or five deep. But for every one that fell another two rose to take their place.

Here and there was a victim of Nerima's own Master of Hidden Weapons buried under chains, plumbing fixtures and in one case a very large collection of what appeared to be souvenirs from Beijing bid for the Olympic games. Ryouga was relying on brute strength, swinging this way and that with his impossibly heavy umbrella felling his opponents like wheat before the scythe windrowing he Neolithic martial artists.

Ranma flowed like water through the fight. More than ever before Ranma moved with a grace and speed that made his opponents look slow and clumsy by comparison. Partly his own ki, partly the chi of the world around him powered him, speeded him made all the colours brighter, the sounds sharper and each movement surer. He swayed underneath a swinging club, then seemed to float forwards and upwards where his elbow connected with the club wielders jaw. His whole body followed the elbow around and down where he somersaulted towards his next opponent and with a two handed strike ended that Neolithic martial artists participation in the fight.

It was then Ranma spotted what appeared to be the leader of the Fluffy Bunnies.

Peter had been the leader of the Fluffy Bunnies for twelve years. Scheming, plotting and clubbing his way to the leadership of the clan had taken five years. Scheming and plotting was probably a poor description for what had taken place, but for Neolithic martial artist retaining enough concentration to remember who the next person to club on your road to the top of the heap is an intellectual achievement not to be sneezed at.

Not willing to attack without some warning Ranma let loose a battle cry and leapt to the attack. It was almost an anticlimax when the Fluffy Bunnies' fell so quickly.

If Ranma, Mousse and Ryouga expected the battle to end there they were disappointed. The remaining Fluffy Bunnies gave a cry of "BUN-BUN" and redoubled their efforts.

Worse yet their cry was answered and another ave of attacker emerged from the undergrowth.

9 9 9

"Boys" Nabiki sighed viewing the carnage in the park. She glanced to her assistants gathered to either side of her. Kasumi, Nodoka and Shampoo stood quietly gossiping as if on a picnic outing, Sayuri smiled and Akane waited nervously by a Toyota Dyna truck.

"Ready girls?"

Nabiki nodded to Sayuri. Sayuri nodded back and spoke quietly into her mobile phone.

For a moment nothing happened and then without fanfare or warning the sprinklers came on.

"Ooooh bunnies" Kasumi squealed happily clapping her hands together.

Where before an epic martial arts battle was playing out before their eyes now stood a drenched redhead, a duck, a small black pig and rabbits for nearly as far as the eye could see.

"Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war!" Nabiki proclaimed gesturing grandly.

"Huh?" answered Akane

"Just open the damn door" Nabiki sighed as Kasumi and Nodoka giggled.

9 9 9

Hiroto had no idea who his parents were. For as long as he could remember he had lived on the streets, gathering what food he could where he could, each day a struggle to get by, but he was happy with his lot.

He was not happy at the moment however.

Like a lot of youngsters, he was still an adolescent, he had problems with authority. He had had a few brushes with the law but he always managed to avoid being caught, unfortunately this morning his luck had run out and he'd been captured and locked up.

As the door confining him to the back of the truck opened he ignored the many rabbits his fellows were chasing instead he leapt for the biggest target he could see the girl holding a duck and a piglet.

9 9 9

It took a while for Ranma to stop laughing. Even the dog which bounded across the park growling at him couldn't dampen his spirits. With a casual swipe Ranma knocked the dog away and looked about the park.

Mousse and Ryouga did not share his good humour, though both would later admit that the sight of all the rabbits disappearing into the bushes chased by a truckload of dogs was rather funny.

Nabiki and Sayuri walked down to where Ranma waited nursing his two increasingly antagonistic companions Sayuri was talking quickly into her phone and as the two reached Ranma the sprinklers stopped.

Sayuri held out her hands and Ranma passed Mousse to her, Ryouga took the opportunity that this momentary distraction provided to bite Ranma causing Ranma to drop him. Looking here and there Ryouga spotted his now feline wife chasing a rabbit with the other dogs and set off in pursuit.

"Ouch" said Ranma holding up a thumb showing indents from porcine teeth.

"Do you want me to kiss it better?" offered Nabiki.

"Well…" Ranma blushed "I'd rather be boy Ranma…"

"You have no spirit of adventure" Nabiki smirked causing Ranma to blush even brighter. "But I suppose that's why I've got this."

Nabiki produced a small thermos flask, identical to the one Sayuri was now using to change Mousse back to his human form.

Before Nabiki could unscrew the lid of the thermos they were interrupted by a small green car launching itself from the street and into the park. It landed in a splash of mud and before anyone could recover from the shock of the sudden appearance of the car, two pandas, one of which looked a little green, emerged.

The fattest of the two pandas rushed up to Ranma and Nabiki.

In a whirlwind of motion Genma whipped a black and white soccer shirt over Ranma's head, looked quizzically at Ranma and Nabiki, held up a sign that read 'We'll talk about this' stole the thermos and was gone.

"Well I suppose I don't really need the thermos" said Ranma who closed his eyes in concentration for a moment. His wet clothes steamed for a moment and Ranma was suddenly himself again.

"That's a very neat trick" Nabiki smiled.

Ranma reached out for Nabiki.

"You know I saved you, don't you" said Nabiki.

Ranma enclosed Nabiki in his arms.

"My hero" he smiled and kissed her.

Genma was breathing hard by the time he reached Nodoka, with his stubby panda digits he fumble with the thermos lid before finally working it free and pouring the contents over his head.

Tossing the thermos aside Genma embraced Nodoka and dipped her as if dancing, he moved his lips closer to hers and whispered "Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?"

Nodoka could only blush and giggle.

9 9 9

Mrs Yoshikawa was very pleased with the way things turned out. The Neolithic martial artists were rather subdued after their defeat and due to the nature of their defeat she thought it unlikely that the Fluffy Bunnies would try anything again for quite a while.

That left her one small task.

"You're kidding" Nabiki said.

"I'm afraid not" Mrs Yoshikawa replied "with Shampoo out of the running for the position of Ranma's wife a shipload of amazons are arriving to challenge Ranma."

"Really" said Nabiki in a tone that lowered the room temperature by several degrees and caused everyone but Ranma and Mrs Yoshikawa to flee the room. "Really!"

"Um Nabiki?" Ranma asked.

"Yes dear" Nabiki responded frostily.

"Um, I er."

Nabiki looked at an obviously nervous Ranma.

"Sorry" Nabiki said "it's just that things finally quiet down a bit and now this.."

"Um, I have an idea" offered Ranma.

"Really?"

Nervously at first and then with greater confidence Ranma outlined his plan.

Nabiki smiled "better than my idea"

"Your idea?"

"Uh hmmm" Nabiki nodded "I have a customer I procure Gundam models for…. "

Nabiki consulted her notebook "a Sergeant Keroro, he once promised me the greater Tokyo area after he conquered the earth or a few weapons of mass destruction in the mean time."

"You have some very dangerous friends Nabiki" Ranma smiled.

Nabiki gave Ranma a hug "just you remember that."

9 9 9

Hiroto was sure this was the place, this is where the scent had led him.

Many dogs he realised would have been unhappy with being knocked down as he was this afternoon. Hiroto however was different, instead of being angry he was happy, here was someone he could respect. Finally after so long without any purpose other than just getting by Hiroto knew what he wanted, he had found somewhere he wanted to belong.

He had avoided the patrols in the streets and followed the scent of his new master across Nerima to this gate.

He sniffed at the gate and gave it an experimental push, but the gate was shut. Opening shut gates unfortunately was not one of Hiroto's skills. Frustrated that he couldn't enter but satisfied that he had arrived Hiroto lay down in the gateway and waited.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma ½ or any characters created by Rumiko Takahashi, any of the ones I've created probably aren't worth owning up to.

Keichi Morisato cringed and huddled for safety behind the motorbike he was working on, hoping against hope that the fact that this bike belonged to one of Urd's drinking buddies would be enough to save him.

It was a very nice bike, a Triumph Street Triple, all glossy black and carbon fibre. Keichi had serviced and tuned this bike using every trick he was capable of to coax every possible bit of power and speed out of the bike. He had the feeling the bike appreciated this and Keichi could almost feel a feral delight from the bike as it if sensed the improvements made to it and eagerness to try them out.

He was grateful for the opportunity to work on the bike today as it got him out of the temple which served as his home and the home of the three sisters who shared his accommodation.

Another growl emanated from inside the temple and Keichi hunched even lower behind the bike.

'It's just not safe around here.' Keichi whimpered 'Bell save me.'

Inside the temple itself the air itself crackled with energy.

The aforementioned Urd sat surrounded by files growling and gnashing her teeth. Said growling and gnashing had been going on for some time, early morning in fact, which was unusual. Early mornings for Urd generally ran from eleven, very early to one in the afternoon, much more civilised.

Such late mornings were, Urd considered necessary to maintaining her figure and looks. While this might not necessarily have been true it hadn't hurt. Urd had a figure that could have been described as hourglass, however hourglasses are rarely able to gather as many admiring glances as Urd's figure. Combined with her symmetrical features, exotic eyes, tanned skin and long white hair many who had seen Urd had been heard to whisper 'Goddess', which was in fact true for Urd and her sisters were Goddesses.

The Norns. Goddesses of Past, Present and Future.

Urd representing the past.

The files Urd had been reading were scattered with apparent haphazardness around her, but in fact they were organised in a completed logical and well thought out method, if Urd would ever care to explain it. When she had started reading this morning, she had been laughing, not whole-heartedly but a more modest 'oh that's amusing' manner. Unfortunately for the other inhabitants of the temple this hadn't lasted and the growling, gnashing and muttered threats of violence and dismemberments soon began.

The only person unaffected by Urd's foul mood was Belldandy, Urd's younger but not youngest sister. Indeed Belldandy had carried out her household chores with her usual cheerful and conscientious manner seemingly unconcerned and oblivious to Urd's descent into the blackest and foulest of moods.

Having washed breakfast dishes, sheets and clothes Belldandy had moved onto baking and proceeded to make sweet cakes and biscuits. Satisfied with her baking, now cooling on the kitchen bench Belldandy had filled the kettle and placed it on the stove to brew some tea.

With preternatural grace Belldandy made her way through temple that was their home. Belldandy glanced out into the courtyard and saw her Keichi crouched down behind a bike, obviously working hard. Her and Urd's younger sister Skuld was in her workshop presumably tinkering as usual on an overly complicated mechanism that Skuld had sky high hopes for and Urd and Keichi hoped they would survive.

Which brought Belldandy to Urd.

Engrossed as she was in her reading Urd did not at first notice Belldandy standing beside her. When she did notice, Urd did her best to ignore her, this was not successful. Belldandy was like a beacon of good will, cheerfulness and all is right in the world shining it's unwanted light into Urd's gloom.

"Yes," Urd managed between gritted teeth.

"What are you reading?"

"Files," Urd responded tersely, she imagined that if she stuck with single word answers of preferably single syllables Belldandy might get the hint.

"Really?"

'Completely oblivious,' Urd thought bleakly.

"What about?"

'She's smiling sweetly, I just know it. Blue dress, checkered apron, hands clasped together in front of her, leaning forward, sweet smile.'

Urd turned to face her sister "Ghaah," she managed as her fears were confirmed. 'It's worse than I thought.'

A gentle breeze had stolen through the open doorway and was softly brushing past Belldandy, her long brown hair lightly touched by the breeze's caress was rippling slowly behind her, a single strand crossing her face and tickling her nose. To make matters worse the sun had decided this was the moment to break through the clouds and a single beam of golden sunlight captured Belldandy. It was scene of such saccharine sweetness that Urd could feel her teeth and eyeballs rotting in her skull.

All was lost, Urd realised, her shoulders slumped as she resigned herself to the inevitable "A mortal."

'Again with the smile,' Urd gasped as Belldandy displayed her perfectly even and white teeth.

"Ranma Saotome," sighed a helpless Urd.

"Ranma Saotome?" echoed Belldandy.

"Ranma Saotome," yelped Skuld, who had been monitoring Urd from her workshop and had moved closer to eavesdrop using the SkuldTM Directional Microphone when Belldandy had approached Urd.

"You've heard of him?" Urd answered surprised and grateful for the distraction from Belldandy's overpowering sweetness.

Skuld nodded excitedly, her large eyes gleaming.

"How?"

Skuld didn't reply, instead she disappeared at a run back down to her workshop.

Belldandy and Urd watch Skuld disappear and then looked at each other in confusion.

Skuld reappeared as rapidly as she had disappeared clutching some well read magazines, one of which she handed to Urd.

"Mallet Wielder's Monthly?" queried Urd examining the magazine cover displaying an angry Japanese girl wearing a school uniform threatening the photographer with an oversized mallet banded with metal.

"A specialist magazine for all mallet users," Skuld answered rolling her eyes as if this should have been readily apparent even to the completely obvious challenged.

"Improve your swing in three easy steps," Urd read. "The Chef's Choice: The Combat Spatula by Ukyou Kouinji."

"Uh huh," confirmed Skuld nodding enthusiastically.

"And Ranma?" Urd asked.

Skuld took the magazine from Urd and opened it to the centre pages.

"Target of the Month?"

"Oh dear," Belldandy blushed at the photographs displayed.

Urd opened the fold out page in the middle of the magazine and held it up for a good view, "Oh my."

Skuld produced another magazine and handed it to Urd who was having trouble tearing her gaze away from the first, "And here's his Target of the Year Special."

10 10 10

Kenichi Miyamoto was a rising star in the world of the Japanese police. His knowledge, commitment and deportment were second to none. He had graduated summa cum laude from Tokyo University and had surprised everyone by failing to go into the legal profession, but rather he had followed his uncle into the police force.

He was initially not well received, he was considered a rich boy playing at being a policeman or the rumours were he was using the police force as a stepping stone to a career in politics. While these rumours still persisted those that worked with him knew better.

The senior police however had a different view of Kenichi. To them he was dangerous, a competent, intelligent officer with a natural talent for police work wise in the ways of bureaucracy beyond his years.

For the police were a bureaucracy and there is nothing more dangerous than someone who understands how it all works. The current head of the police for the greater Toyo area was so successful simply because he had no idea how anything worked, it just did. The thought that some-one understood how the multitude of levels of bureaucracy worked was terrifying in the extreme particularly to those who worked in the teeming mass of managers who mismanaged the bureaucratic process on a daily basis.

Which was why Kenichi was promoted to the head of police in the Ward of Nerima. Nerima had long been seen as a dumping ground for troublemakers, malcontents, a place where officer could be sent and conveniently forgotten.

Kenichi was determined to make a success of his latest appointment regardless of the intentions of his superiors. He was young and he was determined to do his best for the people of Nerima. No matter what the senior ranks of the police thought he was going to make his mark in Nerima and go on the bigger and better things. There were criminals out there and Kenichi Miyamoto was determined to bring them to justice.

Which was why he had called a meeting of the officers assigned to Nerima.

'It was not a sight that would strike fear into the hearts of evil doers,' Kenichi mused.

The officers ranged from overweight to the anorexic, the heavily muscled to the weedy and the grandfatherly to just out of high school. Kenichi when he had been advised of his promotion and transfer had heard of the reputation of the dumping ground called Nerima, this was maybe more than he expected.

It was less a police station more a waiting room for auditions for a Japanese Keystone Cops.

He had barely begun his talk when he was interrupted.

"Crime," snorted the oldest officer in the room, known to one and all as Pops. "What crime?"

Kenichi blinked uncertainly "Surely there's some crime?"

"Nothing major since those out of town bag snatchers tangled with the Nerima Ladies Historical Re Enactment League."

"Gangs?"

"Relations between the Nerima Martial Arts Knitters and The Crotchet Fu Club has been frosty but no outbreaks of violence."

"Youma?" Kenichi offered desperately, but wondering what Crotchet Fu involved.

"Most youma aren't stupid enough to come to Nerima."

"Perverts?"

"Tiny little girl on a duck."

"Tiny little girl on a duck?" Kenichi repeated slowly as he looked around the room looking for a sign that this was some sort of joke played on new arrivals.

"With a big mallet," supplemented a female officer reading at the back of the room.

"Do we do anything?" Kenichi asked wearily pretending he hadn't heard the last response.

"Traffic control for escaped cooking and around martial arts battles."

"Cooking?" Kenichi slumped into a chair.

"Akane Tendo's cooking can be dangerous," a grizzled veteran noted from the back of the room to a chorus of nods.

"Surely the martial arts battles must be in breach of the law?"

"Not in Nerima. Besides most of the martial artists are quite careful about bystanders."

"And it keeps all the builders employed."

"So what else do we do?"

"We have nice clean cars," offered a particularly fastidious officer.

"We practise fire drills," offered another.

"Community relations."

"Paperwork."

"What paperwork?" Kenichi asked "nothing happens."

"Oh, there's always paperwork" answered a bespectacled officer towards the rear of the room. "Form NPD-FRM-ST-AN-0034 Annual Stocktake of Police Stores, Form NPD-FRM-ST-0021 Stationery Order Form, Form NPD-FRM-RE-0012 Report of Unusual Chi or Ki Activity Weekly Report Form, Form NPD-FRM-RE-0054 Visitation by Deity or Extraterrestrial Being of Cosmic Level Power…."

"Visitation by Deity?" Kenichi interrupted "Surely you don't have…..

"Every other month," the bespectacled officer looked around the room for confirmation and received a few thoughtful nods.

"Every other month?"

"Every other month, at least," affirmed a portly officer through a mouthful of ramen.

"Sometimes several at once," noted another officer.

"Well behaved for the most part."

"Except for the trickster gods."

"And the bad ones."

"Minor deities are the worst."

"Always got something to prove those ones," one of the older officers noted to the sage nods of his fellow veterans.

"The good ones tend to clean up afterwards."

"Or subcontract the work to local companies."

"Good for the local economy that."

"Gojira, Mothra, Gamera?"

"Steer clear of Nerima for some reason."

"Gojira's still embarrassed after that silly American movie."

"CGI" snorted a female office not bothering to look up from her magazine on mallets.

"Men in rubber suits that's how monster movies should be made."

"More lifelike."

"Hard to tell if it's real or not with a rubber suit," Pops offered sagely.

10 10 10

Kasumi had decreed that Teri needed socialising with children his own age.

Fortunately for Teri this meant he didn't have to spend one day a week in the care of the pandas and Mr Tendo while Kasumi did the shopping and caught up with her few friends. Unfortunately for Teri this meant daycare once a week.

This created a set of unique problems for Teri, primarily the fact that he could speak as well as if not better than most adults and he was under strict instructions that under no circumstances was he let this become common. This was not a happy circumstance. On occasion it needed to be let known to the carers at the centre that he was in need of assistance. At the Tendo dojo this was not an issue, he would simply say "Excuse me, I need a drink, burping, I need to use the facilities" and usually in that order.

Here the only method of communication which he was allowed to employ was crying. This was not altogether successful as the carers or screws as he liked to refer to them did not seem to grasp the intent of his crying.

Cry number one he would have thought was obvious by now meant I need to use the facilities. This was almost always ignored and when not ignored the response from the screws was not appropriate to the situation at hand. This meant Teri was forced to soil his diapers which he found degrading, unnecessary and more than a little disgusting.

Cry number two was his give me a bottle cry, this was also mostly ignored, occasionally however a bottle was produced for which Teri was grateful and encouraged his belief that training the adults was not a completely hopeless exercise.

The thought of food however brought him back to one of the observations he had made early in his enforced stay in daycare. Breast feeding.

Teri was fascinated by this and on initial reflection had decided that the Tendo sisters were similarly equipped to provide this service as was Ranma in his girl form. Teri was wise enough to understand that Ranma would extremely unlikely to offer his services in this regards. Akane was out as her temper would make it hazardous to his health to even ask and something about Nabiki made Teri certain that Nabiki was actually the dangerous one.

Which left Kasumi.

He had broached the subject with Frank, who Teri considered a safer alternative for these conversations than the human inhabitants of the dojo. Unfortunately Frank was drinking when Teri raised the subject, which resulted in much coughing, spluttering, a very red face and it had appeared for a short time as if Frank was actually going to expire.

Eventually Frank had recovered his composure enough to convince him that asking Kasumi if she would be willing to oblige Teri in this matter would be unwelcome. In truth it was less Frank's words and more his extreme reluctance to fully articulate any coherent response even with signs that convinced Teri not to pursue the matter.

Teri was coming to realise that he was developing a deep fascination with breasts.

Which brought him back to the most depressing part of his incarceration. Conversation, it was most frustrating that he was unable to find someone to talk to during his time in daycare. The financial crisis sweeping the world, the general incompetence of world leaders and the seeming inability of the courts to appropriately punish criminals did not feature highly on the conversational priorities of his fellow detainees.

Goos, gaas, a giggle and the more than occasional passing of gas did not count as conversation.

'Seriously,' Teri thought, 'if this mob don't start developing some basic conversational skills shortly I will not be responsible for my actions.'

10 10 10

Kaoru Matsushima had not seen or heard of Tatewaki Kuno since Chapter Five.

This was not an altogether bad thing. On one hand, the bad, this severely restricted her ability to capture the eye of Kuno and press her suit.

On the other hand, the good, as a teenaged Martial Arts Drama Queen or Drama Queen Martial Artist she was able to milk this for all it was worth. Heartfelt sighs, moments of quiet introspection, moodiness, in fact all of this and much more. A rich vein of opportunities for Kaoru to exploit in the pursuit of her art.

If only others appreciated all the hard work she was going through. Did they appreciate her hard work?

'Not a chance,' she thought dourly. 'They all think I suffer from asthma or hayfever.'

'If only they would bring back full length skirts,' Kaoru mused. 'Then I could collapse, gracefully, from the vapours, onto a strategically placed seat while artfully displaying a delicate ankle inflaming the ardour of my prospective beau.'

It was hard being a Martial Arts Drama Queen or Drama Queen Martial Artist when even fashion was against you.

10 10 10

"What are we doing here again?" asked Ranma as he watched an abnormally large rat paddle past.

"A job for Mrs Yoshikawa Ranma, I've told you that three times now," an exasperated Nabiki answered.

"But what are we looking for?" Ranma peered uneasily ahead into the darkness of the Nerima sewers. They had been down in the sewers for three hours, it was damp, smelly and generally unpleasant, Ranma was not having a good time.

"Something that doesn't belong here."

"We don't belong here," Ranma said dodging something he or she as he was at the moment was reluctant to inspect because he was not sure he wanted to know what it was.

"Stop being such a girl Ranma."

"Nabiki," Ranma whined.

Nabiki splashed forward in her dark green waders until she stood beside the smaller girl and illuminated her face in her headlamps light.

Ranma turned and faced her.

"Ranma," Nabiki began patiently "Mrs Yoshikawa…."

"The librarian."

"Yes, Mrs Yoshikawa the librarian asked me if we could come down here and check the sewers for anything unusual."

"The librarian"" Ranma questioned. "You don't think it's strange a librarian would ask you to crawl around in the sewers?"

"I don't think she's just a librarian Ranma, but she offered to pay us to come down here and look around," Nabiki paused. "I think this could be some sort of test."

"Well then," Ranma began hopefully "maybe I should go home and study."

Nabiki reached forward and gently brushed a lock of Ranma's red hair back behind her ear before gripping the ear and twisting.

"Ow. Ow. Ow. What's that for?"

"Stop being a crybaby and come on," Nabiki strode purposefully forward and drug a grumbling Ranma in her wake for a few yards before releasing her.

Nabiki herself wasn't sure why they were down here 'Just look for something unusual' Mrs Yoshikawa had said.

'Great,' Nabiki grumbled to herself. 'Not how I wanted to spend a Friday evening, it's dark, it smells, Ranma's a girl and I really like it when he's a he. I mean what's going to be down here, probably something dead.' Nabiki thought for a moment 'Ok maybe it could be a community of Akane's cooking that has established their own civilization below the streets of Nerima or an entrance to the Underworld.'

'Also the Amazons are arriving this weekend and we still have some arrangements to make.' Further musing was interrupted as Nabiki noticed a strange luminescence coming from one of the side tunnels.

"Ranma," Nabiki whispered.

"Yes," he whispered back.

"Does that count a unusual?"

"Yes, can we go now?"

"Don't make me come back there," Nabiki turned to scold her fiancé only to find her standing close behind her sporting a large and cheeky grin.

"Yes Nabiki," Ranma smiled.

"Come on," Nabiki whispered annoyed.

The two teens crept quietly forward and peered down the side tunnel. Whatever it was that was producing the glow was about thirty metres down the tunnel where it opened into a large chamber strewn with debris.

As quietly as they could the two made their way up the tunnel staying in the shadows. They were travelling up a slight incline and as they reached the chamber itself they found that for the first time in hours they were not walking in water. What was sitting in the middle of the chamber was not a sight that filled either with a sense of wellbeing.

It was a bomb, how much was buried they didn't know, but about two metres of bomb protruded above the floor. Large fins dominated the back of the bomb and from where Nabiki and Ranma stood it appeared to be about five metres in circumference. Worst of all it glowed, green, a friendly and pleasant green, but green nonetheless.

This did not reassure Nabiki.

"It's a bomb," Ranma whispered awed.

"Yes," Nabiki whispered back.

"It's glowing."

"Yes."

"Do you think?"

"It's radioactive? An atomic bomb?"

Ranma nodded.

"Of course I'm an atomic bomb, look at me, I'm big, I glow in the dark what else could I be."

"It talks," Ranma said hurriedly. "I didn't know bombs talked, did you know bombs talked?"

Nabiki shook her head.

"What do we do?" Ranma asked.

"I don't know, I'm no bomb disposal expert."

"Oh, so now you're going to dispose of me. That's not really friendly."

"Um, hello," Nabiki said smiling weakly, she nudged Ranma.

Ranma looked at Nabiki and then getting the idea said "Greetings."

"Harrumph," the bomb harrumphed in disapproval.

Nabiki and Ranma looked at each other.

"We're sorry if we appear a little rude, but we don't get to meet many bombs," Nabiki said.

"Gods, demons, demi-gods, spirits, ghosts, heavenly messengers," Ranma listed. "Bombs, very new."

"Make you uncomfortable do I?"

Ranma nodded.

Nabiki answered "Yes."

"So," the bomb began "you're Nabiki Tendo and you're Ranma Saotome."

Both of them nodded.

"I'm, well I don't really have a name, I'm just the bomb. I do have a title though."

Nabiki frowned "A title?"

"I am," the bomb announced proudly "the Seer of Nerima."

"Never heard of you."

"Of course not if everyone knew about me there'd be pilgrims, worshippers and bomb disposal people swarming all over the place."

"So where exactly are we?" Ranma asked "Apart from the sewers."

"You are right underneath the Library of course."

"Underneath the library?" Nabiki looked up at the ceiling.

"Crashed through in 1945, landed here, didn't go boom. Surprised the hell out of me I can tell you."

"Really?"

"No," the bomb replied "I didn't know I was supposed to go boom. Well I did. But I was sure I wasn't supposed to be thinking. So I wasn't just surprised, actually I didn't know what to think."

Ranma and Nabiki just nodded.

"So anyway crashed here, didn't go boom. The Librarian of the time climbed down, I said hello, he screamed something about a talking bomb. I said where, he said who's talking. It went on for sometime like that before he calmed down."

"I can imagine," Nabiki said not feeling very calm herself but determined not to show it.

"You make it sound like you were calm," Ranma said.

"Of course I sounded like I was calm, I'm telling the story. It wouldn't be right if the one telling the story was screeching, yelling and threatening to blow up if people didn't shut up and let him think."

"You threatened to blow up."

The bomb glowed pinkly in embarrassment "I was stressed. I wasn't going to, couldn't even if I wanted to. I was supposed to detonate at altitude and I suppose I did, only I didn't explode instead, here I am."

"Mrs Yoshikawa knows you're here," guessed Nabiki.

"Yup."

"And I was sent to find you, why?"

"A test for one thing."

"A test?"

"It's thought finding an unexploded nuclear device is pretty good test of someone being able to keep their nerve and of course fighting or talking your way past the Village of the Lost Cooking is a good test as well."

"Lost cooking," mouthed Ranma.

"I don't want to know," Nabiki whispered back.

"Speak up, I can't hear you."

Nabiki turned back to the bomb "I would have thought living in Nerima is a pretty good test," she asserted.

"Well, I also needed to see you. By the way, what do you think?" the bomb asked.

Ranma looked puzzled "About what?"

"My home."

"I like what you've done with it," Ranma offered weakly. Nabiki looked across at Ranma and dispassionately slapped him on the back of the head.

"OW."

"You don't mind the green?" the bomb asked obliviously.

"It's a bit freaky."

"Freaky?" the bomb asked Ranma.

"Yeah, it's scary."

"Oh," the bomb pondered a moment."I see, it's got the whole I'm radioactive and you're all going to end up with two heads vibe."

"Or a hundred foot tall mutant monster."

"Ahh, Gojira," the bomb sighed nostalgically. "Knew him when he was just a gecko. Oh he's a big monster now, too good for his old neighbourhood. Forgot all about where he came from, never writes, never calls."

"Wouldn't fit down the sewer," Ranma said in an attempt to justify Gojira's behaviour.

"He could still write," the bomb pondered for a moment. "Well he could dictate a letter. It's not too much to ask."

Nabiki and Ranma nodded hurriedly, they had decided, independently of each other that agreeing with an atomic device was probably a good idea, regardless of whether it could detonate or not. It was not a risk either one were willing to take.

"Not that I leak radioactivity everywhere, that would be terribly impolite, just a little bit. Just that one time, he wanted to go into showbiz, he wanted to hit the big time. Ungrateful little gecko."

Ranma and Nabiki nodded sagely.

"I could get you a colour chart," Ranma offered.

"A colour chart?"

"Um, a chart with colours on it, for decorating. You could choose a nice friendly colour for the visitors."

"I don't get many visitors."

"Oh yes, and some nice floral curtains." Nabiki said sarcastically

"Do you think so, curtains?"

"Sorry I was being sarcastic."

"No, no curtains sounds wonderful."

"Maybe wallpaper?" Ranma said looking at the walls, his brief training as a martial art interior decorator kicking in " something in a lighter shade that could take on the colour of your glow depending on your mood."

"He's a lot cleverer than he looks this one," said the bomb.

Nabiki smiled weakly.

Ranma however was warming to his task.

"You know I think I could really do something with this space," Ranma said thoughtfully. Have you considered floor coverings at all. Clear the debris away, hmmmm, it would have to be tiles."

"I like checks," said the bomb.

"Large tiles, black and white check pattern, could be very stylish in here. Simple and a classic."

Nabiki was starting to wonder when this started to get so out of hand

"How about a coat of paint?" Ranma asked looking at the outer skin of the bomb.

"Paint?" the bomb asked shocked.

"Not keen on paint then. Still we could do something nice with the wall behind you there, make it a feature. A mural maybe? But something subdued so you remain the centre of attention."

Nabiki watched and listened in disbelief as Ranma and the Seer discussed interior decorating, it was less disturbing to think of the bomb as the Seer than the bomb. However when the two of them started discussing fabrics and the possible negative effects of the damp on furniture Nabiki decided it had gone on long enough.

She cleared her throat loudly and favoured Ranma with a venomous glare.

"So," the bomb said with the faintest blush of embarrassment "to business. I am the Seer of Nerima for good reason."

Nabiki and Ranma waited for the bomb to continue, realising that it was waiting for a prompt Ranma asked "And what is that great seer?" in a sing song voice.

"Do you want to slap him again?" asked the bomb unamused.

"Yes," said Nabiki shaking her head at Ranma.

"Please do so."

"Ow!"

"Now, as to why Mrs Yoshikawa sent you to me."

10 10 10

Hinako and Eriko had discovered to their dismay that magic girl transformations did indeed cure hangovers, the dismay arrived when you transformed back and the hangover crashed down on you again, suddenly and without mercy.

On the other hand happily for Hinako a side effect of being endowed with powers to save instant ramen gave a measure of control over her age. If she stayed aged eight for twelve hours a day, including time asleep, she could remain an adult the other twelve. This was revolutionary.

H-chan and E-chan spent every waking moment away from school partying. Unfortunately there was a serious drought of men that met the rather harsh standards imposed upon them. Any man impressive enough to meet their already high standards also had to pass A-chan's pervert test as well.

Both H-chan and E-chan had believed that A-chans test consisted of only one question and answer was male equals pervert.

Surprisingly enough this was not the case.

One man had received both their and A-chans approval. However Brunhilde had taken one look at the man and declared;

"Loser."

On reflection Brunhilde or B-chan as she was known within their magic girl and duck clique was probably right which was even more depressing than finding no-one at all.

Still, with the amount of time they spent looking they would find someone eventually and they were having a good time looking.

10 10 10

Wa Xing looked across the water to the Nerima docks.

As with every Amazon on the ship Wa Xing bristled with weapons, some armour and a fierce warriors scowl. In short she looked like an Amazon warrior going courting. It would be difficult to deny that Wa Xing or any of her Amazon sisters were beautiful but there was a severity and seriousness about them that made them less attractive than they could have been, even looking like a walking cutlers.

From the distance it appeared that there was a fair complete with ferris wheel and merry-go-round being held on the Nerima docks. That however was ridiculous.

However ridiculous that it may have seemed that there was a fair taking place, as the ship drew closer to the docks it became apparent that there really was carnival in progress on the docks where they were due to arrive.

Even more disturbing from the Amazon's point of view Wa Xing could make out a large banner fluttering in the breeze between tall poles reading 'Welcome Amazon-chans' in a large friendly hand. This was to say the least unexpected and disconcerting.

As the ship had approached the Nerima docks there had been a general air of tension and anticipation on board as each amazon prepared for their courtship battle with Ranma Saotome. That a single male was worth the journey to Japan for so many Amazons. Elder Cologne had been insistent however.

'This male,' she had stated in her letter 'was the most impressive martial artist of modern times and must be made part of the tribe.'

As amazons this meant one thing. Club, drug and drag.

Unfortunately from their own point of view it was they who would be on the club end. If this Ranma Saotome wasn't martial artist enough to defeat one of them then they had wasted a journey.

Rivalries had been bitter on the ship over to Japan, several Amazons sported bruises and a few others sported more serious injuries. But even they had hobbled to the deck hoping that they could be inadvertently knocked unconscious during the melee and claim victory.

This was the Amazon way.

It had worked for centuries. If there was an outstanding martial artist it was only right that they, if they were male, would be brought back to the village where their knowledge would be added to the vast store of Amazon martial arts knowledge. Whether the male was happy about that was immaterial, they were only male after all and after all the knowledge they had gained had been shared amongst the villagers, perhaps if they were physically impressive enough they would be allowed to breed. In any case, it was a male's place to be drugged, docile and obedient. If this Ranma Saotome was disappointing in any way he could be quietly drowned like so many others.

Outstanding female martial artists outside of the Amazon village were rivals to be destroyed.

Wa Xing was joined at the bow by her rival Wa Ning who joined her looking at the crowded docks, they could make out families with children holding balloons and feasting on fairy floss. Squeals and cries could now be heard from children on the more energetic rides.

"If they are this stupid," Wa Ning snarled "I doubt they can even perform simple martial arts."

"This is what happens when males are allowed to run things," sniffed Wa Xing derisively.

Wa Ning nodded in agreement, "Obviously Cologne has been exaggerating to protect her retarded grandchild."

Still the possibility that a worthy husband waited ashore was enough to raise the level of anticipation amongst the Amazons. As the ship closed to the distance from which the Amazons could leap to the docks a brass band began playing Dixieland show tunes conducted by a panda wearing a tall red cap and red waistcoat and waving a baton with more enthusiasm than finesse sowing confusion amongst the band members and fear among those closest to the podium.

The crowd had moved back from the edge of the dock and had cleared a path through to where roughly a hundred metres from the water's edge a young man stood in front of a warehouse.

It was evident that this was Ranma, not the least because a sign had just unfurled from the roof of the warehouse with a large arrow pointing at him with a legend proclaiming 'Here's Ranma.'

Eyes agleam with the prospect of battle and matrimony the Amazons leapt to the docks and charged to the warehouse with a roar.

Ranma never moved and as it seemed that the Amazon warriors were going to pile on the hapless boy, the large doors behind him sprung open with a speed that startled the onrushing women and suddenly a horde of club wielding animal skin clad maniacs was among them.

Chaos.

Just another day in Nerima.

10 10 10

'It was nice,' Nabiki mused as she leant against Ranma. 'To relax with family after a long day.'

The events of the day had left the entire household in a good mood. Not only had a good time been had by all, the threat of an Amazon invasion and fiancé stealing expedition had been averted and Nabiki had made a tidy sum from organising the fair at the docks.

Most importantly from both Ranma and Nabiki's point of view it seemed unlikely that there would be further trouble with Amazons at least for the foreseeable future.

The cream of the Amazon tribe were either married by Neolithic or Amazon law and in nearly all cases both, though not necessarily to the same person or persons. Cologne was last seen reaching for the rice cooking wine intent on drowning her sorrows wondering where and when it all went so wrong.

It was an unusually relaxing evening, the meal had been quiet as if everyone tired, yet satisfied from the day's events was content to share the rare moment of peace.

Unfortunately being Nerima this was never going to last.

A chorus of jarring howling and grunting noises started from somewhere outside, seemingly from just beyond the front gate of the dojo.

"That sounds painful," Nabiki said, wondering what could cause someone to cry out like that.

"Constipation?" a rattled Kasumi guessed.

'Constipation, is something I do not have to worry about at the moment,' Teri thought recovering from the initial shock and deciding to keep his mouth shut and listen, rather than draw attention to his current plight.

"Late Neolithic Poetry," Ranma corrected listening carefully. "Love poetry in fact."

"Poetry?" quizzed Nabiki startled.

"Love poetry?" squeaked Akane.

"Are you sure, it could be both?" Soun frowned in puzzlement.

"Both?" asked a confused Ranma.

"Constipation and poetry," Soun answered.

"Oh," Kasumi gasped "love hurts."

"No the boy's right," Genma stated with conviction, while casting a worried look at Kasumi.

"Neolithic Poetry?" questioned Nabiki.

"Ranma," Genma prompted his son.

"Early or proto-Neolithic Poetry was more of a performance art," Ranma responded. "Banging rocks together in one of six base rhythms punctuated by cries and yells as your fingers are caught between the rocks. There were of course numerous sub-genres where sticks, small animals and even audience members were included in the performance."

"Sound painful," Nabiki giggled earning a frown from Ranma.

"However by the Middle Neolithic period poetry had evolved and branched into two schools," continued Ranma in a stern tone, warming to his topic. "The surrealist school, which explored the subconscious desires of Neolithic society and the Arauugh school, named after it's founder, a realist school which explored the physical world and Neolithic man's place in it. For example;"

Ranma growled, grunted and let loose a massive belch.

"Or translated,

Killed a dinosaur,

Ate it's haunches,

Massive belch."

"Ranma, there were no dinosaurs around in the stone age," Nabiki explained patiently.

"I know that and you know that Nabiki-chan, but obviously those of the stone-age didn't share our education.

"Which," Ranma held up his hand to forestall any further interruptions "leads us to the Late Neolithic School, which has also been called the Romantic period. Here poetry was more concerned with the desires of and the expression of the feelings of the poet and of his society."

"Oooooh," oohed Kasumi.

"Classic poems of the time include; 'I Want to Club You and Drag You Off to My Hut', 'The Mournful Howls of a Young Raftist' and 'Ode to a Neolithic Pot'."

"That doesn't explain what that horrible racket coming from our front gate is," Nabiki said.

"Well, obviously it's a love poem for Akane," Ranma replied.

"WHAT?" Akane screeched.

"Oh," Kasumi gushed her eyes agleam "what is he saying?"

Ranma cocked his head to one side and listened carefully "Chunky thighs?" Ranma offered.

Genma nodded "Very good son."

Ranma's eyes widened a little in shock at the rare praise from his father, but then his father had been acting a little odd since his return from overseas. The football, the frightening attempts at fatherly affection, sporadic parenting and now praise. Something was definitely wrong with his father.

"Chunky thighs?" Akane shrieked.

Nabiki covered her mouth quickly to stifle her giggles.

'Glorious club swing,' signed Frank.

"You understand all that?" Nabiki asked Frank.

'Lot's of time in the zoo to study,' he responded.

"Poetry?"

'Yes,' Frank signed back.

"But Neolithic poetry?"

"Anything is better than panda poetry" Ranma shuddered.

'How many ways can you say you love bamboo shoots,' signed Frank sadly.

"Four thousand, eight hundred and sixty-four ways," Ranma groaned and then shuddered. "Not counting the more risqué applications of bamboo shoot love."

'Panda poetry is depressing,' signed Frank.

"And disturbing," finished Ranma.

"I don't know, Genma said "there's some very good panda poetry coming out of England about football."

"How do you even know that?" Nabiki asked incredulously.

"The internet," Genma answered amazed Nabiki even needed to ask. "How else?"

"Excuse me," Akane growled "but the noise from our front gate?"

"Brutish eyes, stubby fingers, mighty arms, clean hair," Ranma interpreted. "I think this guy really likes you Akane."

Akane, Nabiki noted did not seem to be taking all of this flattery well. Her stubby fingers, Nabiki noted giggling were clenched in fists of rage and if Nabiki was not mistaken it appeared that steam really was coming out her ears.

Akane stood with an inarticulate howl of rage and summoned a golf club.

'A nine iron,' Ranma noted 'obviously going for elevation.'

'Akane." Nabiki called to get Akane's attention before she could get out the door.

Akane growled in reply "What?"

"If you go out there and club him you'll be married again."

"Akane," Kasumi clapped her hands to her cheeks in shock. "Isn't it too soon to remarry?"

Akane stared shocked at Kasumi, the phrase 'Et tu Kasumi,' flashed through her mind.

Genma, uncharacteristically and wisely kept his mouth shut, a single snort escaped from Frank which earned him a glare from Akane.

"Akane?"

"Yes Ranma," Akane snarled as the grunts and growls continued from beyond the gate.

"Maybe you could take Hiroto."

Akane turned and stared at Ranma, there was an air of menace about her and her temper was stretched to near breaking point "The dog," she rasped.

"It's a good idea," Nabiki said in support of her fiancé.

Akane stared malevolently at Ranma and Nabiki, who in her opinion were sitting way too close. Glaring ominously at the pair only broadened Nabiki's smile and did nothing to halt the constant stream of grunts, yelps and growls from the front gate.

Akane growled her displeasure at the pair and turned and stomped out the door, disappearing into the evening gloom. Pausing only to call Hiroto to join her.

"I'll give you odds she's remarried within the next five minutes," Nabiki smirked.

Ranma's reply was cut off by a stentorific bark and a bloodcurdling screech followed by the sounds of bins being knocked asunder disappearing up the street. The occupants of the Tendo house looked at each other in confusion as Ranma sat with a self-satisfied expression on his face.

They all looked across as the door opened and Akane re-entered the room. Her face was pale and haunted, her eyes were wild and she walked unsteadily back to the table.

"You, you," Akane accused pointing her finger unsteadily at Ranma. "You taught that dog Daddy's demon head technique."

"Yup," Ranma smiled proudly.

10 10 10

Chaos reigned supreme at the Tendo residence as Ranma, Nabiki and Kasumi quietly snuck out the back gate avoiding the milling throng in the courtyard.

What had been a peaceful evening, interrupted only by an outbreak of poetry had deteriorated even further.

It had started with a knock rather than a bang.

The knock in question was Kuno, or more precisely a series of knocks, bangs, and demands to open the door. Kuno had been released earlier in the day, much to the chagrin of the court appointed psychiatrist who was hoping to create a career around Kuno's delusions. Kuno had heard the news that Akane Tendo was no longer engaged and/or married and was determined that he should be Akance's new fiancé, before the fiend Saotome once again exerted his evil dominion over her.

Unfortunately for the peace of the Tendo residence others having heard of Kuno's interest had decided that now was the time to register their intentions vis a vis Akane's affianced status. This had resulted in yelling, accusations, counter-accusations, protestations and finally violence.

All of which was annoying.

For the first time in what seemed forever it had appeared a semblance of normalcy had descended on the Tendo household. Granted having Neolithic poetry performed at your front gate was not normal by any stretch of the imagination, but it wasn't violent, destructive or involving Kuno.

Ranma, Nabiki and Kasumi had looked at each other, grabbed Teri and made their escape. Making their way unseen to the rear gate they evaded the engagement frenzy inside. Deciding that ice-cream and a movie should allow enough time for all of the furore to die down they made their way around to the front of the dojo.

There laughing uproariously sitting outside the front gate to the dojo was Ukyou.

When she spotted Ranma and the others she coughed and wheezed to recapture her breath.

"Hello Ranma, Kasumi, Nabiki," Ukyou greeted them still gasping for breath.

They responded, Nabiki with a little more coldness than the others.

'Ranma might be more forgiving,' Nabiki thought 'but I still remember the freak comment.'

Ukyou stared at the ground shamefaced "I….I came by to apologise, you know, it was…."

"A shock," Kasumi offered kindly.

Ukyou looked up "Yes, I couldn't….I had to get away, I didn't know what to say, think. I was wrong."

Ranma walked over to her and gave her a hug "It's alright Ukyou, I understand."

Ukyou sniffled and glanced across at Nabiki who looked very unhappy and Kasumi who was holding something in her arms.

"A baby?" Ukyou said shocked slipping out of Ranma's arms and walking across to Kasumi.

Nabiki walked over and claimed Ranma's arm "Meet Akane's chicken teriyaki."

"Chicken teriyaki?"

"We call him Teri," Kasumi said.

"Ok," Ukyou looked a little uncertain "chicken teriyaki?"

"That's right," advised Teri causing Ukyou to take a step back, babies she was certain did not speak.

"We're going for ice cream and a movie," Ranma said laughing at Ukyou bewilderment. "We can fill you in over ice cream."

"Ok," Ukyou was still finding all this hard to digest.

"When we came up," Nabiki asked. "What was so funny?'

Ukyou snickered "I came over to apologise and when I got here all these idiots were fighting and yelling about wanting to be Akane's fiancé. So I called out what about me. It shut them up for about a minute and a half. You should have seen Akane's face."

Ranma grimaced "You shouldn't have done that."

"Huh?"

"You know you might now be my future brother in law?" Nabiki smirked.

"Oh my," Kasumi reached out and gave Ukyou a one-armed hug. "Little brother."

"What? No, they wouldn't , even those two, surely," Ukyou looked from face to face searching for reassurance.

"This is Nerima Ukyou. Think, what's the most unlikely thing to happen and that's what will happen."

"Thank you for your words of wisdom Nabiki," Ukyou responded. "Now I just need to go back inside and …."

"Too late now," Nabiki commiserated shaking her head sadly.

"Yup," Ranma confirmed." You might as well have ice cream."

Ukyou sighed, stared uneasily back at the gateway and finally nodded. "What's done is done."

Linking arms with Kasumi so she could get a closer look at Teri, Ukyou and the others set off for ice cream.

"So seriously, chicken teriyaki?"

"Seriously."

"Walking, talking food?"

"Food on the go," giggled Teri.

"You think this is strange Ukyou, there's a whole tribe of ambulatory food stuffs living in a village under our feet" Nabiki said her eyes glinting.

Ukyou snorted "Now I know you're joking."

10 10 10

Grok had become the shaman of the Fluffy Bunnies after the fiasco where the Fluffy Bunnies had been humiliated by a sprinkler system and a truckload of stray dogs.

A cold hard hatred had always festered in the core of Grok's being, a target for his hatred had never presented itself to him until now.

It wasn't Ranma Saotome, though his skill and power had nearly been enough to defeat the Fluffy Bunnies. Nor was it the girl Nabiki Tendo who had brought about their defeat through treachery and plumbing.

Nerima.

Nerima beyond the park was the target of his hatred. The more he dwelt upon it the more it ate at him. He hungered for vengeance, for destruction to visit those beyond the park and humiliation and despair to be theirs.

Grok was not wise in the ways of Nerima and wider world, but he knew their numbers were beyond measure. For vengeance to be satisfied he and the Fluffy Bunnies needed power.

For this he searched the chests left by his predecessors.

It was an old scroll, forgotten amongst the many trinkets and artefacts passed down from shaman to shaman from before Nerima existed even as a primitive village. Though obviously aged the scroll showed little sign of wear the material was soft and pliant, leather-like though finer than any he had ever touched before. It felt wrong and an involuntary shiver shook his body before he steadied himself.

He didn't know what had attracted him to this scroll among the many but some voice cold and seductive whispered to him and each time his hand had moved past it to a more welcoming item his hand stopped and again found it's way back to the scroll. There was no writing on the scroll, he would have been surprised if there was such was the age of the scroll instead there was an intricate pattern inscribed in reds and greens.

Now that he had the scroll unrolled and the corners pinned with rocks which had been gathered by previous shamans for their beauty or supposed power, he stared at the pattern unsure of how to proceed. He could not make out anything that looked like words that he could intone to invoke a spell nor did staring at the pattern make it coalesce into recognisable symbols as his predecessor had once told him magic scrolls were wont to do.

Without realising he reached out and started to trace the pattern with his fingers. A cold searing pain ran through his fingers and up his arms as he traced every more complex patters over the scroll and though his hands and arms felt icy he started to perspire and his head felt light as his eyes started to lose focus.

Finally as his fingers finished tracing the pattern a sharp pain as if knives of ice pierced through his eyes burning his brain with cold fire and making his vision split into kaleidoscopic vision of the interior of his hut. The small fire that provided heat and light to the hut waved wickedly thought his shattered vision until as suddenly as it had begun the pain and weird vision was gone and Grok found himself staring up at a tall man before him.

The man was tall, his skin dark and lips bloody red. His eyes were disturbingly powerful and Grok could not meet them, instead he found himself with head bowed respectfully.

"Who…who are you?" Grok managed at last.

"I am before names," the man spoke his voice low and strong. "When men were barely men I led them, I drove them, I brought them vengeance, blood and pain. Serve me well and your enemies will know only sorrow and death."

"You will destroy our enemies?"

"They will be wiped from this land, there will be none to carry on their name none to record their deeds or passing. All I ask is your devotion."

Grok smiled his eyes lit with the thought of vengeance on those that had dishonoured his tribe. "What do you need Master?"

"Stand."

Grok climbed unsteadily to his feet and stood head bowed before the nameless man. Cold hands reached out and gently cradled Grok's head drawing his face up so he looked into the man's eyes. Then the same sharp pain Grok had felt earlier returned as the man's eyes flared with power and the hands that gently held him now seared his skin with a cold fire.

"I am the Nameless God," the man growled as he held Grok . "Fear me. Worship me. Kill for me. Bring me worshippers. Bring me life."

Grok felt renewed the doubt and shame from the defeat of the Fluffy Bunnies had been replaced by a fierce resolve to serve his god. His Nameless God released him and he almost fell before he steadied himself and stood straight and proud.

"I will bring you worshippers Lord. Bless them as you have blessed me and we will raise Nerima in your name."

The Nameless God let his senses expand and flow through the village, he could feel the shaman outside the hut spotting his wife and guiding her back to the hut. The other villagers he could feel huddled in their huts wondering at the sudden chill that had settled over their village, soon they would belong to him as would all of the many villages that belonged to this tribe.

'Let this Grok bring me his tribe and I will bring fire to all would stand against me,' he had been cast aside and unworshipped for so long it left him weak. If he was to leave this place he must first satisfy the wishes of he who had summoned him, his first new worshipper. Others would follow as would destruction, fire and death.

But first Nerima must be destroyed and something more.

Two names came to the Nameless God

"Ranma Saotome, Nabiki Tendo," the Nameless God whispered. "You must die."


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma ½ or any characters created by Rumiko Takahashi, any of the ones I've created probably aren't worth owning up to.

It was a quiet evening at the Tendo dojo.

Hiroto slept quietly, the only sign of life from him was the reflex shuffling of paws as he engaged in a martial arts duel of titanic proportions in his dreams against a horde of demonic mailmen seeking to do deliver destruction to his home.

Soun and Genma had departed earlier in the afternoon for a drunken cheat's shogi competition in which they were hoping to perform well. Frank, wearing an appropriately sized cheerleaders outfit accompanied them to offer equal parts cheer and distraction. That is cheering for Soun and Genma and a distraction for their opponents.

Kasumi and Teri had been invited to a child's party, which Kasumi considered very important for Teri's development. Teri on the overhand had spent the week watching romantic comedies of dubious morality and was eager to go so he could meet some babes, preferably of the female variety.

Akane had cast a disgusted look at Ranma and Nabiki smiling at each other and plotting against her in hushed tones and reluctantly has set off to visit her newest fiancé.

That had left Nabiki and Ranma home alone.

Nabiki had trained with Ranma for a while. She had to admit that Ranma made a good instructor. He was patient, knowledgeable, contagiously enthusiastic and very easy to look at.

'He was,' mused Nabiki as she collapsed back on the lounge 'very hands on with his training.'

They had trained for an hour or so after Akane had left and then Nabiki tiredly had made her way to the furo to refresh herself. Ranma meanwhile had remained in the dojo to practise some more and meditate.

'It was' Nabiki sighed as she snuggled herself further into the cushions 'an excellent way to spend an evening.'

Nothing good lasts forever, or in the case of Nerima, on average nothing good lasts more than 3 and a half hours. Less, depending on the proximity to Ranma.

Nabiki looked up as the door to the courtyard opened with a bang and an obviously distraught Ranma stared wildly about the room until he discovered Nabiki.

"Nabiki" he gasped "come quick."

Panic was not something generally associated with Ranma. With people in shouting distance of Ranma certainly, but Ranma himself rarely panicked.

Nabiki was jerked unceremoniously to her feet and Ranma drug her stumbling to the dojo. Ranma stopped so suddenly at the door that Nabiki collided with his back.

"Ouch" Nabiki muttered rubbing her nose.

"Sorry."

Nabiki peered nervously around Ranma, whatever it was that had Ranma so upset had to be something serious.

There in the middle of the dojo lying on her side asleep was a naked girl. Not any naked sleeping girl but the familiar red headed form of a naked female Ranma.

"She's…" Nabiki began.

"Me!"

Nabiki couldn't resist teasing "I was going to say naked."

"I didn't do it."

"I didn't say you did Ranma. But you should have got her some clothes."

"She could have yours." Ranma responded without thinking.

"Ranma!" Nabiki cried in mock shock. "This isn't some plan to get me naked is it?"

"What? No, I mean, it's just that she's and you're a ….."

"Relax, how about we use your shirt for now." Nabiki responded smiling.

Ranma crept nervously across the dojo unbuttoning his shirt as he went. Nabiki followed close behind peering around Ranma to keep an eye on their visitor in case she needed to make a rapid exit.

As they reached the naked form of the girl Ranma knelt beside her and draped his shirt over her, then stood and stepped back beside Nabiki.

"Well" Nabiki said in a nonchalant manner "This is unusual."

Ranma nodded.

The girl lying in front of them snorted, coughed, sat up and drug the shirt on and idly buttoned it.

Still not having noticed Ranma and Nabiki, she stood "Ah crap, I'm a girl. When'd that happen?"

Without looking around her she stumbled across the dojo to the small sink that had been installed and turned it on. She stuck her hand into the stream of water.

Nothing happened.

She held her hand under the tap. Nothing happened. She turned the tap fully on and stuck both hands into the stream of water and started splashing herself. There was no change.

"Aaaaaarrrggh" she screamed "I'm stuck a girl, I'm stuck a girl."

She spun around and spotted Ranma and Nabiki.

"Aaaaaarrrggh" she screamed as she continued splashing herself with hot water "I'm stuck a girl, I'm stuck a girl and some freaky look-a-like has stolen my fiancé."

"I'm not freaky" Ranma whispered to Nabiki "and I don't look anything like her."

"It's not working. It's not working. It's not working. It's not working. It's not working. It's not working. It's not working. It's not working. It's not working. It's not working. It's not working. It's not working. It's not working. It's not working. It's not working."

Nabiki walked over, spun the female Ranma around and slapped her.

"Why did you do that" the female Ranma shrieked "Did you see that? Why did she do that?"

"You're hysterical" Nabiki answered seemingly unperturbed by the outburst, but ready to run just in case.

The female Ranma grabbed Nabiki's blouse and drug her close. "I am not hysterical" she said tightly "I am just a little stressed."

"You do seem a little shrill" Nabiki noted nervously noticing the panic in the female Ranma's eyes.

"Hormones" the male Ranma opined.

"Hormones, HORMONES" the female Ranma turned on the male Ranma and waved her arms wildly in the air "I'm a guy, a guy and here I am stuck as a girl and you think it's hormones."

"Could be hormones" male Ranma offered quietly.

Nabiki seeking safety, made a strategic retreat and sidestep left to hide behind Ranma.

"Maybe he's the girl, have you thought about that. Hmmm?" the female Ranma asked chasing Nabiki across the dojo peering around Ranma, certain that he had nothing of value to add to the discussion.

"He doesn't look like a girl" Nabiki offered from her safe location behind Ranma.

"But maybe he's thinking girly thoughts in there" she leant forward and tapped the male Ranma on the forehead. "Thinking of wearing pink tights? A tutu perhaps?" she looked closely into her male counterpart's eyes "Flower arranging? Moisturiser, pedicures, manicures, Brazilian waxes or watching soppy girly movies in a bathrobe with fluffy slippers, chocolates and a box of tissues?

"Well? Well? Hmmmm?"she stood on tiptoes as she continued to peer into his eyes looking for the slightest trace of any incriminating girly thoughts.

"What? No!" Ranma denied shaking his head.

"Ooooh, denial." The female Ranma raised one eybrow "So how long have you been denying your girly side."

"You are my girly side."

"That is a low blow and totally unproven."

"Excuse me" Nabiki waved from behind the male Ranma to attract the girl Ranma's attention "I think we need to sit down and quietly talk this through."

"Quiet works for me."

"Of course quiet works for you, you're a guy" the female Ranma fumed.

"Look, aah umm, can we call you Ranko?" Nabiki asked tentatively peering from behind the safety of her fiancé. "Calling you both Ranma is just going to confuse things."

"Good idea" seconded male Ranma.

"Oh sure, you think it's a good idea, of course you think it's a good idea" the female Ranma responded sarcastically "Why can't you be Ranko?"

"Well obviously I'm Ranma" the male Ranma responded matter of factly.

"And I'm not?" the female Ranma fumed. "Wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You're my evil twin from some magic mirror, potion, spell thingy."

"Evil twin?" Ranma parroted.

"See! See!" she was wide-eyed and pointing at Ranma in horror. Nabiki was starting to think that the female Ranma getting ready to explode or melt down, it was an each way bet which was going to happen. "It's repeating what I'm saying. It's a bad copy. Baaad copy."

"OK" Nabiki stepped from behind her Ranma her hands out in an attempt to placate the volatile female Ranma "Let's all just calm down a bit."

"I'm perfectly calm" Ranma said.

"Ooooh I'm perfectly calm says the copy" sneered the girl Ranma. "Of course you're bloody calm you're a guy."

"So women can't be calm?" Nabiki countered coldly her head swivelling back to the female Ranma like the turret on a warship.

"What? Of course not, they got hormones and stuff, strange crazy things women…" the female Ranma grumbled oblivious to Nabiki's less than impressed demeanour.

"Hah! Hormones I knew it!"

"Ranma, sweety" male Ranma turned to Nabiki who was offering a particularly treacly yet dangerous smile "You are NOT helping."

"That's because he's evil."

"I'm not evil."

"Are too."

"Not."

"Are."

"Not."

"Are."

"Not."

"Are."

"Not."

"Are."

"Stop it. STOP IT! The pair of you, just stop. Sit down" Nabiki glared at each in turn pointing for a spot for each "Sit!"

Both Ranma's grumbled but moved to comply.

"You are so evil" the female Ranma grumbled accusingly.

"Not. A. Word." Nabiki said enunciating each word with cold precision.

"Yes dear."

"What did I say?"

The male Ranma sat making a zipper motion with his hand across his mouth.

The female Ranma jumped up and grabbed Nabiki and led her to the far side of the dojo.

Nabiki examined the female Ranma, Ranko she decided it helped her keep things straight in her head. Ranko looked deeply troubled and kept casting nervous glances across the dojo at the male Ranma.

"Are you sure he's not evil" Ranko whispered.

"Pretty sure."

"How can you tell?" Ranko whispered casting suspicious glances at Ranma.

Nabiki thought for a moment. "Well, around here the evil ones aren't very subtle."

Ranko glared suspiciously back to where the male Ranma was sitting, expecting him to declare his evil intent at any moment. Disappointed that he was in no hurry to make such a move she looked back at Nabiki. "Mmmhmm?"

"They just arrive saying they're evil, steal souls, destroy things. Actually everyone around here destroys things so that's not really a test for evil." Nabiki pondered for a moment "They look evil." She finished weakly.

Ranko glared at Ranma "So, still got your soul?"

"What?"

"Does his head swivel three sixty degrees?"

"No" Nabiki protested.

"Unusual amount of vomit?"

"What?"

"Destroyed anything lately?"

"This is Nerima, if something doesn't get destroyed it's a miracle."

"But him?" the female Ranma stared pointedly across the dojo.

Nabiki smiled "No."

"And you don't think that's suspicious?"

"Wait. Aren't you supposed to be Ranma? If he hasn't destroyed anything wasn't that you and doesn't that make you the suspicious one?"

"Of course I'm suspicious. Wouldn't you be suspicious if you woke and someone had turned you into a girl?"

"I am a girl. So, no."

The female Ranma growled and then continued the interrogation. "Has he stolen anything from you?"

"What? No!" Nabiki answered shocked.

"You sure?"

Nabiki smirked then giggled "Well there was that one time he took my panties. Even though I…"

Ranko grabbed Nabiki by the shoulders "He is evil, he stole my panties too!"

"Actually you weren't wearing anything."

"Yikes, his perfidy knows no bounds."

"Perfidy? Are you sure you're Ranma Saotome?" queried Nabiki.

"Of course I'm sure. Are you sure that you're Nabiki Tendo?"

"What?"

"Of course you are. The question is" Ranko whispered conspiratorially "who is he?"

"Look" Nabiki said trying to project a voice of calm reason "we just need to sit down and talk this through and this will all make sense."

"Make sense? Make sense! Nothing about my life makes sense. I'm a guy who changes into a girl when splashed with water, who changes to guy when he's splashed with water. My father's a panda (part-time), my friends turn into farmyard animals when splashed with water. Well, apart from Ukyou, who's a girl that changes in to guy when she gets splashed with water.

"I mean Ukyou she's a girl engaged to a girl, well a girl sometimes, I mean she's a girl sometimes, not her fiancé who's a girl all the time, a vicious mallet wielding uncute tomboy girl. But hey still a girl" Ranko paused momentarily confused "But does this mean she's only half engaged or fully engaged? Can you be partly enagaged?"

Nabiki shrugged.

Ranko continued becoming more shrill as she continued "My school teacher's a child, oh no wait five minutes now she's in her twenties. There's a 900 year old midget who bounces around the neighbourhood stealing women's underwear, a mummy running a noodle shop. Martial arts parking inspectors handing out fines in haiku to martial arts motorists who consider a one way street a challenge that can't be ignored. Don't even talk to me about what goes on in fast food drive throughs. Cavemen in the park worshipping rabbits. Cats and pigs cohabiting. Where does any of this make sense?"

"Nerima."

"OK," Ranko blinked and then responded calmly. "You got me there."

Nabiki took Ranko's arm and led her back across the dojo and sat her down "Better now?" Ranko nodded.

"Calm?"

Ranko nodded again.

"Good."

Ranko let out a slow breath as she sat on the floor. "This" she said looking at Ranma "is obviously all your fault."

Nabiki dropped her face into her palms and shook her head.

"My fault, how is this my fault? I was just….."

"Plotting evil schemes" Ranko

"I was not plotting anything, I….."

"Eeeeevvvvviiiillllll."

"I'm not."

"Eeeeevvvvviiiiiilllllll" Ranko repeated pointing at Ranma.

"SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP THE PAIR OF YOU" Nabiki roared, her fists were clenched and she stared at each in turn. Nabiki was as angry as she had ever been, strangling the pair of them was becoming a very attractive option. If only she could decide on which one to start with.

'Deep breaths, Nabiki, deep breathes.' She dropped her head, enjoying the momentary quiet.

"Right" Nabiki lifted her head and looked at one Ranma and then the other "OK. Calm down. Deep breaths, let's just talk about this calmly."

"But he….." the female Ranma pointed accusingly at the male Ranma.

"Quiet! Nabiki snarled, "One more word from either of you before I give anyone permission to speak and so help me I am going to get Akane's mallet."

Both Ranmas looked sufficiently chastened.

"You" she pointed at the female Ranma "for now we will call you Ranko."

Ranko wisely adjudging that discretion and more importantly silence was the better course of action simply nodded.

"Now, from the beginning. What happened?" Nabiki pointed at Ranma.

"Hey. Ladies always go first." Ranko pointed out.

Nabiki looked at Ranma, who just shrugged "Ok, go ahead."

"Well I woke up and there was my fiancé and my evil twin…"

"I'm not your evil twin."

"Oh, so now I'm the evil one?"

"It's a definite possibility" Ranma stated.

Accusations of evil doing started flowing back and forth at an ever increasing rate and volume. Nabiki, her head starting to pound stood quietly and started walking to the door.

She paused at the door "I'm going to get the mallet."

"We'll be good" Ranma and Rank chorused.

Nabiki sighed heavily and walked back to her spot on the floor, this headache could take days to clear she thought. Alternating glares from Ranma to Ranko and back again she sat down on the floor.

"Right, you" she said point at Ranma "from the beginning."

"Well after everyone went out, we came here to the dojo to train a little."

"I remember that" Ranko interjected, she leant closer to Nabiki 'You know he was trying to cop a feel."

Nabiki blushed a little and smiled at Ranma "I remember that too."

Ranma blushed a lot and smiled back.

Ranko looked distressed and looked worriedly back and forth between the two "Eyuuh."

Nabiki smirked at Ranko "You know that if you're Ranma that you…."

Ranko sniffed disapprovingly "Now that I'm a girl I'm beyond that sort of thing."

Nabiki rolled her eyes and rubbed her temples in an attempt to alleviate the developing throbbing. "Anyway?" she prompted Ranma.

"Anyway, after you left, I decided to meditate for a while on stuff."

"Stuff?"

"On the curse and ki and stuff. I was thinking.."

Ranko snorted.

"I was thinking," Ranma continued loftily "you know that with training you can see peoples auras, their ki signatures, ki. I was wondering if I could see the curse."

"And that was it?" Nabiki inquired.

"Well, no I mean I've been doing this for a long time and …." Ranma struggled to come up with words to describe what he had been trying to achieve. He was also sure that he shouldn't divulge how he actually managed, whatever it was he managed. After all this was he believed part of the secrets he and Wu had discussed.

If what was happening now was part of the cure he wasn't sure if this wasn't worse than the disease.

"And I just popped out on the floor like a, like a, like a? I'm at a loss" Ranko stammered, looking at Nabiki for support.

"A physical manifestation of Ranma's curse or an ectoplasmic construct" Nabiki suggested.

Ranko nodded enthusiastically "Exactly."

"I wasn't expecting this" Ranma waved his hand at Ranko.

"Oh, so now I'm a this? I'm not even a real person to you" Ranko sniffled over-dramatically.

"Well, you could be evil" Ranma responded.

"Hey!" Ranko pointed accusingly at Ranma.

"She started it!"

"I'm a guy!"

"I didn't expect this" Ranma pointed at Ranko "I thought the curse would just dissolve and float off to Jusenkyo."

"So I could just dissolve into a pool of ectoplasmic gloop and float off to China? Is that it?"

"Well."

"That's just heartless, I mean I'm a living breathing….."

"Walking talking pool of ectoplasmic goop" Ranma finished.

"Not helping" Nabiki growled out of the side of her mouth.

"And it was gloop" corrected Ranko.

"Hey, we're cured."

"Cured?" Ranko shrieked "Cured? You call this cured?"

"Well, yeah."

"Oh, of course you're cured. But look at me."

"Well, maybe one of us had to be the girl."

"Well, why wasn't it you?"

"Well if it was me I'd be you" Ranma retorted.

"You'd be me?"

"Yeah."

"Wow" Ranko paused "You'd be pissed."

"Language" Nabiki interjected.

"Sorry."

An uncomfortable silence settled over the dojo.

Ranko sighed heavily "So I'm stuck like this?"

"I guess."

"Great" Ranko grumped.

"Just so everyone understands" Ranko switched her gaze back and for the between Ranma and Nabiki "I'm a guy."

"You're a guy?"

"I'm still me…you" Ranko faltered "You know what I mean."

"Yeah."

"Apart from those" Ranma waved a hand vaguely in the direction of Ranko breasts "and um you know." He gestured a little lower.

Ranko adopted a guise of complete misery and leant forward allowing Ranma's top to open and reveal more cleavage than is generally acceptable "You don't like these?"

"What? No." Ranma denied vehemently.

Ranko sniffled.

"Ranma?" Nabiki, unable to resist a little teasing, called in a sad little voice "You don't like breasts?"

Ranma turned to Nabiki and as he did so noticed she had raised her right hand to her collar and was dropping her hand now to the top button and was teasing it idly. It was only a supreme effort of will that allowed Ranma to raise and then keep his eyes focussed on Nabiki's face.

He swallowed heavily and turned back to Ranko "I don't like them on you" he said finally.

"Yeah. I don't like them on me either" agreed Ranko.

"Now" Nabiki said in her all business tone "this is going to create something of a stir."

Ranma and Ranko looked at her blankly.

"You and you. Separate. No curse." Nabiki paused "Cured."

"Oooh" they nodded in unison.

"How do we explain it?" Nabiki asked.

Ranko looked expectantly at Ranma "So you just thought about it?"

"Real hard" he answered.

"Well, now we know Pop'll will never be cured" Ranko giggled.

"Or Ryouga" Ranma smirked.

Ranma and Ranko suddenly developed twin grins that Nabiki found distinctly disturbing.

"We'll give them some mystic.."

"Mumbo, jumbo the…" Ranko continued.

Ranma interrupted gesturing grandly "lesson of the pools…"

"Is one that each….."

"Must learn on his own….."

"It is a pathway each must travel…." Ranko intoned sagely.

" a long and mystic journey…"

"of self discovery….."

"Self discovery, I like that bit"

"It's good, of course only I could have come up with something so good" Ranko said in a superior tone. Ranma wisely said nothing, for which Nabiki was grateful.

Ranma grinned broadly "Then we can say it came to me in a vision."

"Came to you in a vision?" Ranko interjected "Why didn't it come to me in a vision?"

"Well I'm Ranma."

"No. No. No. It came to me in a vision."

"Why would it come to you in a vision?"

"Because I could understand the vision" Ranko declared as if it was an obvious fact.

"And that's because?"

"Because I'm the smart one."

"You're the smart one?"

"Of course I'm the smart one. I'm the girl."

"Hah, I knew you were a girl."

"You are not making it easy for me to like you" Ranko growled.

"I got an idea" Ranma's grin broadened further till it became wide enough to be life threatening "I got the vision while I was in girl form."

"Well obviously, that what I was saying" Ranko replied in what Ranma was coming to categorise as her annoyingly superior tone.

"What if the vision could only come to me while I was in girl form?"

Nabiki, who had been feeling left out of the plan making at this point decided it was time for her to reinsert herself into proceedings "What Ranma is saying is that you tell the others that only in the cursed form will the others receive their visions."

"Oooooh, sneaky, I like it."

"And I came up with it." Ranma said proudly.

"That's only because you're sneaky and evil."

"I'm not evil."

"Nabiki, tell him he's evil."

"It's not too late to get the mallet." Nabiki threatened.

"You wouldn't hit a girl would you."

"It's a very attractive option" Nabiki countered "and I'm a girl too."

"Well I suppose that if I am now a girl" Ranko smiled disarmingly "we can have girl talks and I can tell you all about me, I mean him. You know what I mean."

"Uh, ok" Nabiki stammered not really knowing how to take this latest change of tack.

"I know all his secrets" Ranko smirked.

"Really?" Nabiki looked interested.

"Hey!"

"Embarrassing secrets."

"Hey!"

"How embarrassing?"

"Very."

"Nabiki!" protested Ranma.

"I need" Ranko began standing up.

"Pants" finished Nabiki and Ranma covering their eyes.

"Oh yeah" Ranko smiled brightly hands on her hips.

10 10 10

Akane studiously ignored the looks.

Today had been her first time in a golf tournament, which had gone remarkably well. Once she had resolved her issue of driving one or two fairways too far from the tee. Putting however remained an issue.

She grumbled "Damn Ranma for being right about needing control."

Kasumi had been girlishly delighted that Akane was taking up a sport. Akane was not excited, girlishly or otherwise when she saw the outfit Kasumi had prepared for her golfing debut. Akane was not quite sure what to think of the outfit and was certain that thinking of it was definitely not a good idea.

A garish combination of stripes (both wavy and straight), checks, polka dots and tartan that were almost certain to invoke seasickness and dizziness in any that observed it. Akane herself was only able to function if she kept her gaze forward looking and avoided even a casual glimpse of her reflection.

Akane had raised numerous objections to the outfit when Kasumi first produced it. However Kasumi's inherent sweetness and iron fisted resolve that her sister should be garbed in traditional golfing attire had worn Akane into submission.

Akane was not certain what was traditional about the colours and patterns of her clothing and doubted mightily that any one culture would have produced such a hodge podge of styles. Kasumi was adamant that golfers were renowned for their eccentricity in dress and Akane had no option but to comply.

With everyone, with the exception of Ranma and Nabiki gone from the house for the night Akane had no intention of staying the watch the two of them make cow eyes at each other. Not only was it depressing, she was certain they were also laughing at her and possibly plotting against her. Not that she was paranoid of course, people had been plotting against her for years. It was only natural that Ranma and Nabiki join in.

When she had announced she was not staying at home with Ranma and Nabiki her father and Kasumi had insisted she visit her new fiancé. Most embarrassing of all Kasumi had insisted she retain her golfing costume.

'At least' Akane mused 'no one is likely to notice me in this outfit, they may notice the clothes but can't or won't be able to see anything past that.'

For which she was very grateful.

Akane sighed mightily as she arrived at the door to Ukyou's restaurant and steeling herself against the humiliation to come, pushed open the door.

11 11 11

It was a quiet night at Ucchan's.

The Nekohanten was having a two for one special night after Shampoo and some of her doggy friends had rampaged through the café one afternoon leaving chaos, noodles and customers strewn in their wake. Added to that there was a drunken shogi tournament being held in a neighbouring ward which had attracted many of the locals.

Ukyou was considering shutting early when the bell and one of the strangest and disturbing sights she had ever seen wandered into her restaurant. It was, it appeared for a moment to be some form of advanced urban camouflage. The person seemed to be in motion even when still and her eyes thankfully were unable to stay focused on the individual. Anytime Ukyou's eyes seemed to focus, her stomach rebelled and waves of nausea and vertigo threatened to send her to the floor.

It was only with a supreme effort of will that Ukyou was able to focus beyond the garish colours and conflicting patterns to discern to face of "Akane?"

"Yes" the miserable reply came.

"What is…." Ukyou closed her eyes and waved in Akane's general direction.

"Golf" Akane stated as if that explained it all.

"Riiiight" Ukyou drawled drawing out the word to its' maximum possible length, understanding not at all.

Akane shuffled towards the counter.

"You know I have spare clothes in the back" Ukyou offered, thinking of her customers and her own health. The few customers she had were looking a trifle green as she was certain she was as well. Ukyou was glad that her customers generally paid when ordering their meals

Akane lunged over the counter and hugged Ukyou with tears of joy in her eyes "Thank you. Thank you."

Akane disappeared into the back room of Ucchan's and Ukyou followed.

It was not five minutes later when Akane reappeared, Ukyou looked up from her grill to see Akane clothed in less jarring apparel.

"You have no idea how grateful I am" Akane said.

"You have no idea how grateful my customers" Ukyou glanced around her restaurant "all two of them are."

"I can guess." Akane answered wearily.

"So how?"

"Kasumi."

Ukyou blinked.

Kasumi's idea of a golfing outfit."

"Just be grateful she doesn't design racing colours for jockeys."

Akane giggled "Oh no. All the jockeys falling over and …"

"And all the horses falling over and throwing up."

"Not to mention the television audience."

Akane accepted a glass of soft drink from Ukyou and dropped a paperback book on the counter.

"'Samurai's Passion'" Ukyou read.

Akane nodded "Kasumi gave it to me. It's full of heaving bosoms.."

"Heaving bosoms?"

"Yes" Akane answered "and throbbing manhoods."

Ukyou rocked back shocked "Throbbing manhoods?"

"This conversation is not going to get very far if you keep repeating everything I say."

"No, sorry, I mean" Ukyou cast a nervous glance about her to see if any of the customers were listening in. "It's just that, well…"

Akane leant forward, her eyes wide "What? She gasped.

"You know, that with the curse and all, I'm…."

"A boy?"

"Not all the time." Ukyou responded offended.

"Yes" Akane prompted impatiently.

Ukyou took a deep breath "Akane , since my, the incident…"

"Yes."

"Akane," Ukyou blurted "there are things happening in my pants I have no control over."

Akane gasped shocked "You don't think?"

"What else could it be?"

Akane looked at the paperback on the counter in shock and swallowed heavily "I thought that Kasumi was a little silly with these books but…"

"It could all be true" Ukyou finished.

"It's times like this I wished I'd paid more attention to all those Personal Development class lectures" Akane admitted.

"You mean those lectures about. You know?"

Akane blushed and nodded.

"You didn't pay attention?"

Akane looked guiltily at the table top "Well, no. I was too worried that Ranma was getting perverted ideas from whatever the class was about. I mean you saw the pictures?"

"Pictures?"

"You weren't paying attention either?" asked Akane.

"Thinking up recipes for Ran-chan's lunch" admitted Ukyou "Paperwork for the restaurant."

"Well I think it's a good thing that one of us was keeping an eye out for perverts" Akane stated.

"Really?"

"Well with these all throbbing manhoods running around willy nilly you can't be too careful."

"Willy nilly?"

Akane shrugged.

"You may have a point Akane. What else does this book say?"

Akane search through the book for one of the many dog-eared pages and pointed out a paragraph for Ukyou to read.

"He gazed deeply into her eyes the burning strength of which melted her heart and ignited fires within her feminine core…" Ukyou read.

"See, fires, sounds dangerous" Akane interrupted.

Ukyou nodded "Oh my, you don't think."

"Her bosom starts heaving in the very next paragraph" Akane confirmed.

"This is serious stuff" Ukyou was pale yet unable to turn her eyes away from the pages of the book clutched tightly in her hands.

Akane nodded.

"Have you finished this?"

"Not yet."

"Can I…., when you've finished, purely for research…." Ukyou's voices faded as she reached a particularly explicit passage and gasped "Oh my."

"You Ok?"

"And there are more of these?" Ukyou asked her hands trembling as she turned the page.

Akane nodded "Kasumi's got a box full of them."

Ukyou eyes widened "A whole box?"

"A whole big box."

"And Kasumi's read them all?"

Akane nodded.

"That could explain some things."

Akane hung her head guiltily "This is my fourth."

"Fourth?" Ukyou was shocked.

Akane nodded sadly in confirmation "I don't know what's come over me it's…"

"Depraved" whispered Ukyou her eyes widening as she reached an outstandingly lurid paragraph.

Akane again nodded sadly.

"Her luscious lips lured the samurai's closer and till he clasped her to his naked chest, his turgid member pressed hotly against her belly with only the delicate folds of silk between…"

Ukyou looked up at Akane who was flushed and breathing heavily as was Ukyou herself.

"Turgid member? What's a turgid member?"Ukyou asked.

Akane just shrugged.

"Now we have to worry about turgid members as well?" Ukyou asked.

Akane nodded and gestured for Ukyou to continue reading.

11 11 11

Nabiki and Ranma waited patiently outside the furo for Ranko to bathe.

"What do you thinks she is going to do?"

"He" corrected Ranma "and I have no idea. Oh wait."

"What?"

Ranma's reply was cut off by a cry from within the bathroom "Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot."

"Oh" Nabiki sighed.

Ranko called out "Still a girl!"

Nabiki looked at the door "Do you think there's going to be any hot water left?" she asked.

Ranma shook his head sadly "No."

"Aaaargh. Still a girl. Oh Dammit. Oooh,ho ho. Still a girl. Nooooo. Aaaargh. Hot Ho-o-o-o-o-t. Dammit" a very solid thump from a body hitting the floor was clearly audible in the hallway "STILL A GIRL."

"How long do you think she's going to keep this up?" Nabiki asked.

Whatever reply Ranma was going to make was interrupted by a very loud splash followed by a long loud undulating cry from beyond the door interspersed with the sound of a body wildly thrashing about in the water of the furo.

This went on for some time before the cries, shrieks and splashing were ended by the sound of a body once again hitting the floor.

"Oooooh" came a whimpering cry from beyond the door "I think I've burned places that should never be exposed to boiling water."

Nabiki sighed deeply and rubbed her throbbing temples.

"This could go on for a while yet" Ranma guessed. "Days probably."

Nabiki nodded and taking hold of Ranma's hand led him downstairs.

The now familiar call of "Still a girl" followed them.

11 11 11

"Plush? I'm plush?" Ranma sighed "Well at least I know where I am."

Ranma teetered on rounded feet and waited for Wu.

It wasn't long and and a plush Naruto waddled up to Ranma from behind a plush hill where plush bunnies gambolled among plush flowers.

"I thought this form would make you feel comfortable?" Wu smiled indicating Ranma and his plushy forms dressed in martial arts attire "the martial arts thing that is not the plush."

Ranma was starting to consider that if one of the after effects of dying was that you started to gain amusement from invading peoples dreams and turning them alternatively to Lego or plush he was going to start at looking seriously at methods for living forever. The afterlife must be he thought rather dull and over-rated.

"Well, how has your day been?"

"Seriously?" Ranma asked.

"I may have the most deranged ….."

"Sister?"

"Brother." Ranma corrected.

"Brother?"

"She insists she's a boy."

"Very odd."

"So did this happen last time someone cured themselves of a Jusenkyo curse?" "Ranma asked.

"It's never actually happened before?" Wu admitted.

"So you never?"

"Do I look stupid enough to ever go anywhere near Jusenkyo?"

Ranma examined the plushy figure "At the moment…"

"Well, yes. But no. Never been cursed, well not Jusenkyo cursed if you know what I mean."

"So this is all new."

"I can answer some questions though."

Ranma breathed a sigh of relief "I really need answers. I mean why is she…"

"He" corrected Wu.

"He, so…" Ranma waved his stubby plush arms in frustration.

Wu smiled benevolently "Ah, there's the thing. You didn't just get rid of the curse."

"Huh?" Ranma responded intelligently.

"Oh, the curse is gone no doubt about it. Well apart from the fact that it is sleeping on the Tendo's lounge. But you got rid of some other things at the same time."

"Like what."

"Things you thought were wrong about you."

"Wrong?"

"She, sorry, he is still basically you, only you find that some things about her" Wu shook his head, "him are more pronounced."

"Like what?"

"She will be more impulsive, less polite. He'll pay less attention in school. Impatient, hot headed, prideful."

Ranma pondered this for a moment "So I won't be these things anymore?"

"Less so than you were, or should I say less inclined to be" Wu paused "Think of her, uhm, him. It is very hard to get that right. Think of him as you only with some of your traits exaggerated."

"And me?"

"Oh, you are you. Only those traits which you considered important are stronger. Those you prize."

"Oh." Ranma nodded, "her memory seems to have…"

"Holes. Yes, she. Sorry he is not a perfect copy, so there a few holes in her memory. Nothing to worry about though. It just makes her" Wu pondered for a moment "different."

"She's definitely different" agreed Ranma.

"An opposite of you in many ways."

"So she's evil."

"What? No. Just more impulsive, maybe more self-centred. She lives for the moment."

Ranma breathed a sigh of relief.

"A little unbalanced maybe, but not evil."

"You don't have to put up with her" Ranma groused "I don't think anyone is ever going to get another hot bath."

"Give her a couple of years."

"Years?" Ranma grumped. "No one will be happy with that news."

11 11 11

A cold wind blew across the Neriman plains. Deep within the heart of the Nerima Park a vast plain spread as far as the eye could see.

Primitive huts constructed from the detritus of the world beyond the park gathered in solemn camps, huddled together for protection. The wind howled between the huts and whistled in the cracks and hollows in walls of the hats, rattling decorations of tins and brightly coloured wrappers strewn from poles at the entrances to huts to keep away the evil spirits.

A pall of fear had fallen over the camps of the Stone Age Martial Artists. Families clung together and started at each noise.

Not in the camps of the Fluffy Bunnies, no-one huddled in fear. No-on cursed the darkness and the howling winds.

No-one moved.

Toys and tools lay where their owners had dropped them.

They were nowhere to be seen.

11 11 11


End file.
